Sunday, January 20, 2013

My sister's infertility

*I changed the original title of this post because I would hate for it to sound insensitive to anyone dealing with IF*

My sister and I are less than 2 years apart and have always been close friends.  For as long as I can remember, our plan has been to own houses near one another, get pregnant around the same time and then raise our kids together so that they’d be more like siblings than cousins. We had it aaaall planned out.  And it was going along swimmingly too until she learned about 9 months ago that she will not be able to have children. Whoops – didn’t factor that one in. 

I feel such a range of emotions regarding her infertility, but most of all is sadness since she had always pictured being a mother and now she finds herself having to map out a whole different future for herself than she had planned. This has not been an easy road for her and I’m sure it’s going to be hard every day for a long long time.  I feel so helpless since there is nothing I can do. It’s just so unfair and it makes me angry and sad for her.

I’m sad selfishly too, since we always pictured going through this huge life event together and now that won’t be happening.  She knows I am TTC and supports me and is interested to know how things are going (which I am grateful for), but it also makes me feel guilty that I’m still on this journey and hers has ended. And I realize that feeling guilty is sort of silly since at this point I don’t even know yet if I will be able to have children either but I can’t help it.   

I’m afraid too, that if/when I get KU and have children that our relationship will never be the same.  My other sister has a child and once she became a mom it seemed that we just could not relate to one another anymore. I don’t want that to happen with this relationship too. Not only would I be going through things that she has not experienced and can’t relate to, but I realize that it may be really hard for her to put on a happy face about any part of my anticipated pregnancy so she may choose to keep her distance. If that were the case I would understand but it would make me very sad.

I can only imagine how difficult this has been and will continue to be for her and I worry that she’s truly okay. We actually spent a lot of time today talking about all of this and I’m really grateful that she’s willing and able to discuss it with me but I’m sure it’s harder for her than she admits. I just wish there was something I could do.

Her situation obviously makes me think of my own too, and I can’t help but wonder if I’ll find out that I have the same IF issues that she does.  Only time will tell of course, but so far things have not been going smoothly in the TTC department for me and Hubby. Hopefully my PCOS with long, irregular cycles and anovulation will be the extent of my issues and can be fixed with meds eventually if needed, but who knows?  I’d be lying if I said that didn’t also creep into the back of my mind every now and then since this was the start of her problems as well.

Sigh...I hope that she will continue to be open with me about things and that she will always feel she can talk to me.  Besides my marriage, my relationship with her is the most important one in my life so even though this throws a wrench in our "plans" I hope we’ll still always stay close. 

Growing up in the 80's we totally thought of ourselves as Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield.

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