Or.....not.

My last blog post was titled "Messy and uncertain but moving forward".  Mmmm, not so much. It looks like we're benched.

I've visited the RE twice since that last post. The first time I met with the dr. for baseline B/W, discussed what happened with my pregnancy and surgery and determined next steps on moving forward with a FET.

The second time I met with the RE was yesterday. I went in for a hysteroscopy and he found polyps still left in my uterus. He said it's possible I will need surgery to remove them depending on the location and that he needs to take a closer look at the pics and video to see for sure. I should be finding out this afternoon whether or not I will need surgery. They also discovered yesterday that I now have high blood pressure. It was 144/90. I have never had high BP before. It has always been perfect or even a tad bit low so this is new for me. The nurse took my BP (twice) when I was in last week too but said it was likely elevated because of the anxiety of being back there again. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case. The doc wants me to go see my PCP to get checked out. He expects they will tell me to lose weight (I'm 10 lbs heavier than I was when I started IVF) and that they might want to put me on medication for it. (No thank you, I do not want to take more meds.)  I will also need to meet with someone in Maternal Fetal Medicine to discuss the risks of getting pregnant right now with high BP as it increases the risk of Pre-Eclampsia.  

::sigh::  I'm starting to fall into pity party mode. I know I brought the BP thing on myself with my extra weight gain but jesus! It's only 10 lbs!  Between leftover baby weight and deep depression over everything we've been through I am proud of myself that I didn't gain 3 times that amount! I exercise regularly and don't eat horribly (both of which I have to work at) but I guess the fact is I will just have to suck it up and put myself on a diet. It is what it is. I can take responsibility for that. 

But the thought of another surgery... that is a bit of a nightmare for me right now. Even just going in for the procedure yesterday was tough. For some reason I felt more...violated yesterday than I have since I first started seeing the RE at the beginning of 2013. Now it's not so easy for me to just detach from what's happening during a procedure - I can't force myself to think about the errands I have to run and what to make for dinner. Instead, I am acutely, painfully aware that the last time I saw my uterus my precious baby was growing inside of it and the last time a doctor entered my cervix it was to rip him/her out of it. Most women have no knowledge of any of this. Most women make love to their husbands, discover their periods should have come the week before, take a test, rejoice, go through 9 healthy months of pregnancy and then deliver perfect babies.  Not me. Not us.

I held it together in the doctor's office but cried on the way home. I am just sad and disappointed and I guess frustrated.  I really had to work to get to a place where I felt okay to move forward and start TTC again and now that I'm there I'm told we need to wait again. I hadn't realized how important it was to me to have a plan and a timeline and something to look forward to. It's so frustrating feeling like you're just at the mercy of the shifting winds. I'm sick of telling myself to be patient and have faith.  I'm tired.

I really appreciate all the love on Facebook from my IDOB ladies. I know I haven't been around much but I so appreciate you still caring and offering support when I need it the most. <3

Messy and uncertain but moving forward

My head is a bit of a mess.  To the point where writing a comprehensive blog post isn't really possible lately so this is what you get instead :-)

I took a test today at 14DPO and it was stark white.  I don't have the energy to try to express all the conflicting emotions I feel about that.

However, despite my continued uncertainty as to whether TTC again is what will help move me out of this low place or if finding a way to move out of this on my own before TTCAL is the better plan, I've decided I am sick of feeling unsure and afraid. I am an action-oriented person so I am taking action: Hubs and I are meeting with the RE on Thursday to start the process for FET #1.  In the last week I had all my medical records from the pregnancy and D&E (from my OB, Periontologist and Operating Dr [3 different hospitals])  sent to the RE's office and have secured another 6 months of referrals from my PCP.

Ready or not, here we come.
 

Back on the TTC bandwagon

Well, I think I'm officially in a 2WW. My chart is all messed up because I haven't been consistently temping/POAS but my temp seems to be rising a bit and is in the same range it was the only other time I ovulated. If I did actually O we managed to hit the fertile window once so... there's that. But honestly, I have no hope that this will lead to some miracle BFP so yesterday I decided to call the RE's office to start putting the wheels in motion for our FET.  It looks like I've made up my mind that we are now officially back on the TTC bandwagon. Here are my next steps:

• Contact hospital to have all notes from D&E faxed to RE
• Office visit with RE on July 3rd
• Day 3 baseline B/W
• Hysteroscopy
• BCPs until all insurance paperwork goes through
• Then stop BCPs, get AF, start estrogen
• Day 4 B/W to ensure I'm on the correct dosage
• Day 14 lining check and schedule the transfer

I'm actually glad I called now and did not wait longer since at this point the FET still won't be until August. I think I'll have plenty of time between now and then to wrap my head around everything.

Making the call was a little tough. I found myself laying on the couch yesterday feeling miserable about the sad dark expanse of nothingness that is stretched out before me and wishing there was something I could do about it. Then I realized; there IS something I can do! So I got up, marched over to the phone and made the call before thinking twice.  I ended up talking with my favorite nurse and of course she was so sweet and so sad for us when I told her what happened so I got a little emotional.  It's not going to be fun to have to have those conversations with the nurses and my RE but I guess it has to happen eventually.

I feel...pretty good. I feel some sadness that we're moving on but it's also nice to have a plan again and something to look forward to.