Friday, July 11, 2014

Or.....not.

My last blog post was titled "Messy and uncertain but moving forward".  Mmmm, not so much. It looks like we're benched.

I've visited the RE twice since that last post. The first time I met with the dr. for baseline B/W, discussed what happened with my pregnancy and surgery and determined next steps on moving forward with a FET.

The second time I met with the RE was yesterday. I went in for a hysteroscopy and he found polyps still left in my uterus. He said it's possible I will need surgery to remove them depending on the location and that he needs to take a closer look at the pics and video to see for sure. I should be finding out this afternoon whether or not I will need surgery. They also discovered yesterday that I now have high blood pressure. It was 144/90. I have never had high BP before. It has always been perfect or even a tad bit low so this is new for me. The nurse took my BP (twice) when I was in last week too but said it was likely elevated because of the anxiety of being back there again. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case. The doc wants me to go see my PCP to get checked out. He expects they will tell me to lose weight (I'm 10 lbs heavier than I was when I started IVF) and that they might want to put me on medication for it. (No thank you, I do not want to take more meds.)  I will also need to meet with someone in Maternal Fetal Medicine to discuss the risks of getting pregnant right now with high BP as it increases the risk of Pre-Eclampsia.  

::sigh::  I'm starting to fall into pity party mode. I know I brought the BP thing on myself with my extra weight gain but jesus! It's only 10 lbs!  Between leftover baby weight and deep depression over everything we've been through I am proud of myself that I didn't gain 3 times that amount! I exercise regularly and don't eat horribly (both of which I have to work at) but I guess the fact is I will just have to suck it up and put myself on a diet. It is what it is. I can take responsibility for that. 

But the thought of another surgery... that is a bit of a nightmare for me right now. Even just going in for the procedure yesterday was tough. For some reason I felt more...violated yesterday than I have since I first started seeing the RE at the beginning of 2013. Now it's not so easy for me to just detach from what's happening during a procedure - I can't force myself to think about the errands I have to run and what to make for dinner. Instead, I am acutely, painfully aware that the last time I saw my uterus my precious baby was growing inside of it and the last time a doctor entered my cervix it was to rip him/her out of it. Most women have no knowledge of any of this. Most women make love to their husbands, discover their periods should have come the week before, take a test, rejoice, go through 9 healthy months of pregnancy and then deliver perfect babies.  Not me. Not us.

I held it together in the doctor's office but cried on the way home. I am just sad and disappointed and I guess frustrated.  I really had to work to get to a place where I felt okay to move forward and start TTC again and now that I'm there I'm told we need to wait again. I hadn't realized how important it was to me to have a plan and a timeline and something to look forward to. It's so frustrating feeling like you're just at the mercy of the shifting winds. I'm sick of telling myself to be patient and have faith.  I'm tired.

I really appreciate all the love on Facebook from my IDOB ladies. I know I haven't been around much but I so appreciate you still caring and offering support when I need it the most. <3


7 comments:

  1. This is so frustrating to be in a place to where you might be ready to move forward and then the decision is taken out of your hands, that's the worst! I am so sorry this hasn't gone as you would have liked it to.

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  2. I'm so sorry, dear. It's agonizing realizing you're ready to go, but you get the red light. I hope you don't need surgery and that things go well with the PCP. Sending love <3

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  3. I'm so, so sorry. It has to be so difficult and frustrating to be encountering all these roadblocks. It's just not fair. Why do some people have it so easy when it comes to TTC, and some people have to go through emotional and physical torment? I know you are just so exhausted. I'm praying and hoping that all of this passes quickly, and you won't have to worry about much else. As always, sending love and hugs.

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  4. Sad :( I'm sorry you may have to have surgery and that your blood pressure is causing problems. I hope your PCP can get your blood pressure under control quickly so you can get this show on the road. Sending you love and hugs

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  5. Ugh I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all of this. I hope that both things - the polyps and the high BP - get resolved quickly and easily. I'm also sorry for all of the sadness and disappointment you're feeling right now. I want you to know that I care about you very much and I'm still thinking of you all of the time. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you get through this <3

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    1. Aww thank you dear. Big ((hugs))

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  6. I am so sorry, Chickin. I so wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big ((hugs)). Know that I am thinking about you and sending you so much love. <3

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