Tuesday, August 16, 2016

2 years.

Yesterday was the 2 year mark of when Petey should have been born. His EDD was 8/15/14. It's crazy to me to think that if everything had gone "according to plan" and Petey had been born, we'd have a two-year-old now... and it wouldn't be Jack.  I cannot picture that.  I don't even want to picture it. It was such a tough thing to go through and I still feel sadness, but we wouldn't be where we are now if that hadn't happened. We wouldn't have our Jack. And I cannot picture life without Jack so it makes me grateful.

I did have a bit of a cathartic moment yesterday though... One of my best friends decided to play hooky from work and came over for a pool day. While Jack was down for his nap, she and I were just floating in the pool talking and the subject of Petey came up. I talked to her about it. About all of it: the diagnosis, the procedure, the loss, the pain, the feelings I have now about Petey, even just his name. I've never shared his name with anyone in my "real life" before; just here on my blog, and with all my internet friends. I also told her about seeing "my rainbow" and knowing everything was going to be ok (blog post about that here if you have no idea what I'm talking about) and then finding out I was PG with Jack.  It was really cathartic and pretty ironic that this discussion happened to be on the anniversary of his EDD. I have never talked to anyone IRL about it to this extent, except for my therapist, ha. The fact that I could thoughtfully share without feeling overwhelming emotions or having it spin me into a downward spiral afterwards was huge. It's a turning point for me.  It says to me that I've made healthy progress and am in a good place now when it comes to grieving Petey.

I'm still sad.  I still miss him and what could have been. But I am okay. And I feel confident that he is okay. 

I love you my PN <3

(Still appreciate this pic so much JayTee and Cici <3 )

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Weight-loss Wednesday (Week 4)

Only a day late this week :-)  I'm not sure how much longer these weekly check in posts will last. Things are pretty busy around here. I might have to change to once a month.

Weight loss this week: 1.5 lbs

Total weight loss so far: 4.5 lbs

Highlights this week:

  • Weight is back to where it was a couple weeks ago! I'm thinking maybe that weight "gain" last week was just a bad weigh-in and I'm more just maintaining instead of losing lately.
  • The consistent back pain has mostly disappeared and now it's more just soreness and tiredness. I'm pretty sure I've officially healed from my latest back injury and am now just working on strengthening during PT. That's a very good thing.

Challenges this week:
  • Very very busy!
  • Still lots of people around, sometimes hard to plan healthy meals. (But I try when I can.)

Thoughts:  Looking forward to going out to CA tomorrow with Hubs for an extra long weekend! Gonna walk all over the city and get acquainted with my new stomping grounds. Exercise will be good!

Friday, July 29, 2016

Weight-loss Wednesday (Week 3)

...or Friday.

Oh right, I'm supposed to be losing weight. Forgot about that... Ugh, life just gets in the way! I don't know if other people are like this but for me, when I'm trying to lose weight I have to be almost obsessive about it. I have to be obsessed with food and thinking and planning all the time. When I can devote that amount of energy to it I can do well! And when I can't? Well...

Weight "loss" this week: +1.5 lbs

Weight loss so far: 3 lbs

Highlights this week: Ummm...made some better choices than I could have.

Challenges this week: Life. This has totally gone on the backburner. There is so much going on! So many people wanting to squeeze in lunches and visits and brunches and pool days before we move. Making good choices consistently has been hard.

Thoughts: We officially have a townhome in the San Francisco Bay Area. It's real now! Getting excited for this big change and I'm hopeful since we'll be in a new place I can avoid restarting bad eating habits.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Thoughts on still being infertile even after baby

I have a friend who writes for an infertility website. She recently asked for "some thoughts on still being infertile after having your first baby".  I sent her some.  I figured I'd share those thoughts here too:
I have a one year old son but I am still infertile. That's a hard realization for me to come to terms with. My husband and I would still like to add to our family but there are just so many unknowns. It feels like we'd be setting out on yet another monumental journey (but this time while carrying a child with special needs, emotional baggage from years of IF, and lasting sorrow from a prior late-term loss) and I honestly just don't know if we have it in us. We are both a bit beaten down now. We don't know how much treatment we'd need to endure before we *may* be able to have another. We don't know if we are able to conceive a genetically healthy child. We don't know if we are "tempting fate" by trying again. We don't know if we are strong enough to handle it if we get pregnant and then receive bad news again or have another loss... We just don't know. I don't want to be one-and-done. But I also don't want to go through hell again. At this point I am not sure which option scares me more.

When I got pregnant the first time, I remember celebrating finally "beating" infertility. I didn't realize then that IF was something that stays with you and may never truly disappear. I do feel like it's become part of my identity and is not (yet?) just my past; it's still very much a part of both my present and my future.

I have so many more thoughts but this is what I chose to share.  And now I have thoughts about those thoughts. And the overwhelming thought is this:  Wow, that's kind of depressing.


Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Weight-loss Wednesday (Week 2)

Weight loss this week: 0.5 lbs

Total weight loss so far: 4.5 lbs

Highlights this week:
  • Cravings are going away
  • I'm already noticing the spare tire around my belly is shrinking

Challenges this week:
  • My back sucks and hasn't gotten any better. The only "exercise" I can get is being in the pool. And even then I have to take it really easy. I'm still in PT three times a week.
  • We had a lot of company this week that made meal planning harder than usual. I am good about planning dinners in advance for the week, ensuring I have leftovers for Jack and for lunches, and then doing my food shopping according to my weekly plan. But with people popping in a lot, that kinda went to shit this week. Honestly, that's how most of the summer tends to go though so maybe I need to focus on just making the best choices I can when I have the opportunity to make them.

Thoughts: A half pound weight loss is not super motivating but my overall in just 2 weeks is almost 5 pounds which is pretty great. I think I just need to focus on that.
Also, it's kind of neat that the last time I focused on losing weight (before I got PG with Jack), my biggest challenge was planning meals in advance and then cooking them. Now, that is no longer a challenge!  Once Jack came along I HAD to do that whether I wanted to or not and now I'm quite good at it! That should likely make my weight loss even easier this time around.

Week 2 is in the books!