Saturday, December 17, 2016

I'm still alive

And doing well! We're back in New Hampshire for the holidays. I am SO glad we were able to keep our house here (for now anyway - who knows how long that will be able to last) as I was able to fly back with Jack with just a backpack for the two of us. The flight itself ended up being a horrid experience; he did awesome on the flight on the way out to San Francisco with me and Hubs so I foolishly thought it would be no biggie to fly with him alone back to Boston while Hubs was on a business trip. I thought wrong. As it turns out, the poor guy had an ear infection.  The flight must have been excruciating!  I ended up holding and rocking him for 5.5 hours straight, singing and trying to get him to sleep and stop crying. It was hell and I honestly thought my arms were going to fall off and my back was going to break. I will never do that again if I can possibly avoid it.  I had to beg the woman across the aisle from me just to help me unscrew the cap on my water so I could drink something...ugh. My complaining is not even doing this justice. Suffice to say: It was a completely awful experience. I am already dreading the return flight.

Besides that though, things in general are good!  I have been loving living in CA. There is so much to do. We explore new places multiple times every week and I still have a bucket list a mile long.  We found a good nanny and Jack loves her.  She does a nanny-share so there are other kids there when he goes which is a really good thing because it's getting him socialization too!  And I take him to a gymboree play class every Wed morning which he LOOOOVES.  Bubbles, balls, songs, things to play and bounce on, AND other kids?! Yes!  He is in heaven.  When we get back after the holidays I plan to sign him up for swim lessons too.  Besides that, I should probably attempt to make some playdates or something too.  So far though, that has not been high on my TO DO list. We were in CA for just over 2 months before flying back here at the very end of November so I really just took that time to get my bearings and find ways to feel comfortable in this brand new place.  It's been good though!  The weather is SO good for me with my whole prone-to-depression thing so that's huge.  And I've been getting tons of exercise with all the walking.  I am super spoiled now with being able to just throw Jack in the stroller and walk out the door to anything we could want or need. The location is truly perfect.  I have to wonder though, if it's just that the novelty hasn't worn off for me yet, especially since some of that time was spent preparing to come back HERE, and if things will change once we go back in January. Then, we truly LIVE there...  I wasn't there long enough to miss anyone yet.  (Besides my sister, but that's to be expected.)  But when I go back, that will be the real test.

Things with Hubs are not fantastic. We were in couples counseling together here before we moved but nothing has really come of it.  I think I understand a bit more why he has certain issues and where they come from, but that doesn't really help in day-to-day life.  This is probably a whole separate post since that is really the base of any sort of unhappiness I'm experiencing in my life right now. But I'm just feeling some disappointment. I feel like we're really disconnected and I don't feel motivated to try to change that.  He also travels a TON for this new job and so it's just me and Jack more than 50% of the time. Really, probably more like ~75% of the time. I often sort of feel like a single mom. (A single mom with a great sugar daddy haha.)

Jack is doing great. We came back to NH when we did since he had lots of doctor appts but unfortunately, his ENT and orthopedics appts had to be rescheduled due to his ear infection. That was a bummer. But we've seen the Pedi and Geneticist so far and things are good. He's healthy!  On Monday we'll learn if he needs to have adenoids removed asap. (I assume the answer will be yes.)

Little guy is waking up from his nap now so I have to run, but there's the quick check in and a smattering of pics. Been loving doing all the Christmas things with him!! Merry Christmas!!

Jack loved Santa.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Quick update: ChickinSF

Sooooo...we moved to California.  We've been here about three weeks now and we're loving it so far!  We're in the San Francisco Bay Area. It is expensive and it is beautiful. We can walk to everything we need and if we drive 5 mins in one direction we're at the Bay, 20 mins in the other direction we're at the ocean. There's hills and mountains and water and hiking and biking and anything you can think of. Everyone is healthy and active and there is just so much to do. And as you have probably noticed, the novelty has not worn off for me yet :-)

Jack handled the move like a champ. No issues with a new place, no issues with a 3 hour time-change, no confusion upon waking up in a new room...the kid is amazing.  So far, so good.

My back has held up too!  I was concerned because obviously I'm not in PT anymore and with all the unpacking, etc. I wasn't sure how I'd do.  I've also been walking a ton every day because the weather is so perfect and there's so many places to walk to. Luckily that has not had a negative impact on my back and I've actually lost a few pounds already just due to the increased exercise. I got a new fitbit the other day and am interested to see how many miles I'm doing now.

Other big news: Jack started walking yesterday :-D  We're soooo proud of him!!!  Need to post some pics. In the meantime, he recently turned one and half!  My baby is no longer a baby.  Wah.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

2 years.

Yesterday was the 2 year mark of when Petey should have been born. His EDD was 8/15/14. It's crazy to me to think that if everything had gone "according to plan" and Petey had been born, we'd have a two-year-old now... and it wouldn't be Jack.  I cannot picture that.  I don't even want to picture it. It was such a tough thing to go through and I still feel sadness, but we wouldn't be where we are now if that hadn't happened. We wouldn't have our Jack. And I cannot picture life without Jack so it makes me grateful.

I did have a bit of a cathartic moment yesterday though... One of my best friends decided to play hooky from work and came over for a pool day. While Jack was down for his nap, she and I were just floating in the pool talking and the subject of Petey came up. I talked to her about it. About all of it: the diagnosis, the procedure, the loss, the pain, the feelings I have now about Petey, even just his name. I've never shared his name with anyone in my "real life" before; just here on my blog, and with all my internet friends. I also told her about seeing "my rainbow" and knowing everything was going to be ok (blog post about that here if you have no idea what I'm talking about) and then finding out I was PG with Jack.  It was really cathartic and pretty ironic that this discussion happened to be on the anniversary of his EDD. I have never talked to anyone IRL about it to this extent, except for my therapist, ha. The fact that I could thoughtfully share without feeling overwhelming emotions or having it spin me into a downward spiral afterwards was huge. It's a turning point for me.  It says to me that I've made healthy progress and am in a good place now when it comes to grieving Petey.

I'm still sad.  I still miss him and what could have been. But I am okay. And I feel confident that he is okay. 

I love you my PN <3

(Still appreciate this pic so much JayTee and Cici <3 )

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Weight-loss Wednesday (Week 4)

Only a day late this week :-)  I'm not sure how much longer these weekly check in posts will last. Things are pretty busy around here. I might have to change to once a month.

Weight loss this week: 1.5 lbs

Total weight loss so far: 4.5 lbs

Highlights this week:

  • Weight is back to where it was a couple weeks ago! I'm thinking maybe that weight "gain" last week was just a bad weigh-in and I'm more just maintaining instead of losing lately.
  • The consistent back pain has mostly disappeared and now it's more just soreness and tiredness. I'm pretty sure I've officially healed from my latest back injury and am now just working on strengthening during PT. That's a very good thing.

Challenges this week:
  • Very very busy!
  • Still lots of people around, sometimes hard to plan healthy meals. (But I try when I can.)

Thoughts:  Looking forward to going out to CA tomorrow with Hubs for an extra long weekend! Gonna walk all over the city and get acquainted with my new stomping grounds. Exercise will be good!

Friday, July 29, 2016

Weight-loss Wednesday (Week 3)

...or Friday.

Oh right, I'm supposed to be losing weight. Forgot about that... Ugh, life just gets in the way! I don't know if other people are like this but for me, when I'm trying to lose weight I have to be almost obsessive about it. I have to be obsessed with food and thinking and planning all the time. When I can devote that amount of energy to it I can do well! And when I can't? Well...

Weight "loss" this week: +1.5 lbs

Weight loss so far: 3 lbs

Highlights this week: Ummm...made some better choices than I could have.

Challenges this week: Life. This has totally gone on the backburner. There is so much going on! So many people wanting to squeeze in lunches and visits and brunches and pool days before we move. Making good choices consistently has been hard.

Thoughts: We officially have a townhome in the San Francisco Bay Area. It's real now! Getting excited for this big change and I'm hopeful since we'll be in a new place I can avoid restarting bad eating habits.