Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Jack: 10 Months

He is such a little lovebug. This is the first month that he wouldn't sit still for his picture which is a very good thing :-)  He's gaining more and more core strength and is now able to hold himself in the sitting position for a handful of seconds at a time.  This is a HUGE milestone.  He's always on the move and is generally just such a happy little guy.  Argh I love him.

I'm doing okay. Still in therapy, still in physical therapy. Currently reading a book called "Keys to Unlocking Depression", written by my therapist's apparent mentor. I like him though. I've also done some hypnosis sessions with him and I like his positive point of view. I'm trying not to hibernate as much as I want to this winter and have been making a point to get out of the house and see friends and have playdates with other moms so that I have a reason to put on pants and hopefully don't forget how to speak English. I'm looking forward to spring.

Hubs isn't great. We learned he's definitely going to need another back surgery. This time a spinal fusion. He's in immense pain and most days I need to help him put on socks and pants... it's become a major part of our lives. He is honestly one step away from disabled at this point and I am both amazed and grateful that he's still able to go into work every day.  He works in Boston though which means he's spending at least 3 hours driving every day which I'm sure is not helping the back situation. This spring we're still planning to put the house on the market and move closer to the city.  We're at the point where we'll do anything to alleviate some of this pain for him. We're even considering renting an apartment down there so that he doesn't have to drive EVERY day.  Sigh. It's no good right now.

Besides that, I'm starting to plan Jack's birthday party! I honestly cannot believe he'll be turning one before long. This has been the fastest almost-year and also the longest and the hardest and the most wonderful and the most challenging...  This year I have learned that what I pictured life to be like with a child is drastically different in real life.  I had a LOT of time to think about it and prepare and hope and pray and never did I think it would be like this. It's both amazing and the hardest job in the world. I'm thankful every minute of the day and I'm exhausted every minute of the day.  I don't doubt that it is likely very different for me than most other moms since I have a son with some special needs and a more-or-less disabled husband so things are much more challenging than I thought they would be but they are also wonderful.

We're very up in the air about what will happen regarding future family. We always wanted multiple children - Hubs always said 2 or 3, I always said 3 or 4 - but now, after what we've been through, what we're both going through physically (AND mentally), and with all of Jack's issues, we just don't know anymore.  We might be one and done. We might adopt. We might try again. I really don't know. Due to significant genetic conditions with my pregnancies with both Jack and Petey, Hubs and I will definitely need to have some genetic testing done to determine our risks with another pregnancy and if we choose to use our frosties, will need PGD.  I am so not ready to face all of that. Months ago I told myself I would start to focus on that after the first of the year. Then January came and went and I still wasn't ready.  Once into February I made myself call and make an appointment to see a genetic counselor. I told myself the hardest part was just making the call. It wasn't.  I made the call. I set up the appointment. I made arrangements for medical records from both pregnancies and from Jack's diagnostic testing to be sent. And every single day I had anxiety about it.  One day last week I had a full blown panic attack. I went in to talk to my therapist and realized that although I was telling myself to be ready, I'm just not.  I called and cancelled the appointment. It was supposed to be today. I'm so relieved it wasn't.  Maybe I'll revisit it in a month or two. Maybe not. I'll have to see how I feel. I just need SOMETHING besides family matters to be my project. I need to try to find myself again and what *I* like to do and what *I* want to do... The last 4 years have been devoted to TTC, to pregnancies, to grief, to navigating this new world as a mom and this unknown world of dwarfism.  I have to do something for ME again before I can be okay devoting myself to the TTC rollercoaster again.

Anywho, that's what's going on with me.  Baby's waking up so I have to go. I will leave you with some sweet pictures of my favorite guy :-)

My little bookworm
Crawling away

The kid loves to eat!