Friday, July 29, 2016

Weight-loss Wednesday (Week 3)

...or Friday.

Oh right, I'm supposed to be losing weight. Forgot about that... Ugh, life just gets in the way! I don't know if other people are like this but for me, when I'm trying to lose weight I have to be almost obsessive about it. I have to be obsessed with food and thinking and planning all the time. When I can devote that amount of energy to it I can do well! And when I can't? Well...

Weight "loss" this week: +1.5 lbs

Weight loss so far: 3 lbs

Highlights this week: Ummm...made some better choices than I could have.

Challenges this week: Life. This has totally gone on the backburner. There is so much going on! So many people wanting to squeeze in lunches and visits and brunches and pool days before we move. Making good choices consistently has been hard.

Thoughts: We officially have a townhome in the San Francisco Bay Area. It's real now! Getting excited for this big change and I'm hopeful since we'll be in a new place I can avoid restarting bad eating habits.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Thoughts on still being infertile even after baby

I have a friend who writes for an infertility website. She recently asked for "some thoughts on still being infertile after having your first baby".  I sent her some.  I figured I'd share those thoughts here too:
I have a one year old son but I am still infertile. That's a hard realization for me to come to terms with. My husband and I would still like to add to our family but there are just so many unknowns. It feels like we'd be setting out on yet another monumental journey (but this time while carrying a child with special needs, emotional baggage from years of IF, and lasting sorrow from a prior late-term loss) and I honestly just don't know if we have it in us. We are both a bit beaten down now. We don't know how much treatment we'd need to endure before we *may* be able to have another. We don't know if we are able to conceive a genetically healthy child. We don't know if we are "tempting fate" by trying again. We don't know if we are strong enough to handle it if we get pregnant and then receive bad news again or have another loss... We just don't know. I don't want to be one-and-done. But I also don't want to go through hell again. At this point I am not sure which option scares me more.

When I got pregnant the first time, I remember celebrating finally "beating" infertility. I didn't realize then that IF was something that stays with you and may never truly disappear. I do feel like it's become part of my identity and is not (yet?) just my past; it's still very much a part of both my present and my future.

I have so many more thoughts but this is what I chose to share.  And now I have thoughts about those thoughts. And the overwhelming thought is this:  Wow, that's kind of depressing.


Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Weight-loss Wednesday (Week 2)

Weight loss this week: 0.5 lbs

Total weight loss so far: 4.5 lbs

Highlights this week:
  • Cravings are going away
  • I'm already noticing the spare tire around my belly is shrinking

Challenges this week:
  • My back sucks and hasn't gotten any better. The only "exercise" I can get is being in the pool. And even then I have to take it really easy. I'm still in PT three times a week.
  • We had a lot of company this week that made meal planning harder than usual. I am good about planning dinners in advance for the week, ensuring I have leftovers for Jack and for lunches, and then doing my food shopping according to my weekly plan. But with people popping in a lot, that kinda went to shit this week. Honestly, that's how most of the summer tends to go though so maybe I need to focus on just making the best choices I can when I have the opportunity to make them.

Thoughts: A half pound weight loss is not super motivating but my overall in just 2 weeks is almost 5 pounds which is pretty great. I think I just need to focus on that.
Also, it's kind of neat that the last time I focused on losing weight (before I got PG with Jack), my biggest challenge was planning meals in advance and then cooking them. Now, that is no longer a challenge!  Once Jack came along I HAD to do that whether I wanted to or not and now I'm quite good at it! That should likely make my weight loss even easier this time around.

Week 2 is in the books!

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Weight-loss Wednesday (Week 1)

Alrighty. I'm on board the weight loss train again.  And it's been a very successful first week!  More about that in a minute. First, some accountability:
Starting weight: 203 lbs (ugh)
First goal: 180 lbs
Final goal (maybe someday?): 155 lbs
I hate that I got over 200 again. I hate to say it but something about that number makes me feel bad about myself. Unfortunately it wasn't even seeing the scale hit my magical "you are fat" number that motivated me to start caring again: It's the fact that my back went out on me. Again.

It went out on me on the last day of June. My parents were already on their way up from Florida for the summer so luckily they arrived the very next day and could take care of Jack. I was OUT. As in: needed a walker/laying all day in bed/could barely wipe myself after using the bathroom kind of out. I was so thankful my parents were here and could take care of Jack as I slowly got better over the next week and a half and was able to do more things bit by bit. I was feeling better so I "released" my parents and just sort of assumed it was a fluke. But the following week it started getting bad on me again and one afternoon I was sitting on the floor playing with Jack and went to get up and I couldn't. I could barely move and I could tell (because I'd felt that feeling before) that if I DID move my back would go out on me again. It was SO SCARY. I was stuck there just praying that I would be able to keep Jack beside me and occupied long enough until my sister was able to come over after work to help me. I was scared to death he would crawl too far away from me and get into something or try to climb the stairs and I wouldn't be able to help him. THAT is the straw that broke the camel's back (or rather, my back, heh) and convinced me it's past time to do something about my weight.

Because the thing is, I was surprised to be having this back pain again. I hadn't had issues the last 3 months since I "graduated" from physical therapy, I was feeling pretty good physically, I was even back into zumba every week again!  BUT, I was also eating like crap again. I did not care what went into my mouth and I had gained about 5 lbs over the last few months.  If it wasn't the weight gain that caused my back to go out, I don't know what it was.  And I can NOT chance feeling so scared and vulnerable like that again if I have the power to stop it. Since apparently, I haven't felt like I am a good enough reason for me to take better care of myself physically, I have to do it for Jack. He needs a mom who can take care of him and run around and play with him without having to worry her body is going to give out on her.  And since we're moving soon to a place where I won't have a sister or a mother in law or a friend I can just call up and say "I need you to come over right now", it is even more important for me to do everything within my power to keep that from ever happening again.

SO, here we go with check in #1!


Weight loss this week: 4 lbs!

Total weight loss so far: 4 lbs

Highlights this week:
  • Highly motivated. 
  • Joined MyFitnessPal again and am back to tracking everything I eat. Goals are keeping calories at 1500 per day, sugar and sodium intake low, and eating enough fiber and protein.
  • Back under 200 lbs again already :-)
Challenges this week:
  • Sugar detox.  That's never fun.  
  • My back really limits any kind of physical activity right now beyond normal daily movement. The physical therapist told me I have a herniated disc and also one of my legs/hips was out of alignment which shifted all my vertebrae. She was able to put me back in alignment but I'll still have to nurse this herniated disc for a while through PT twice a week for the forseeable future. Once my back is stronger again I'll be able to add exercise in veeeery slowly. That's frustrating.

Thoughts: I realize that 4 lbs in a week is a fluke because it's likely more water weight than anything but I don't care; it's good motivation. Seeing that scale back into the 190s so quickly is very helpful for me. I'm looking forward to this next week too and seeing that total weight loss number grow.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Little dude is 15 months!

Since I just wrote a huge update the other day I will spare you and just post the update pic :-)

I decided that once Jack turned a year I'd keep up the official update pics every 3 months until he turns two.

Oh, I lied: One thing I didn't update on last time is my hubby.  He did have his back surgery in April and while recovery was tough (for both of us) for a couple months he is doing SO MUCH BETTER now.  It is a HUGE relief.  He still has limitations but he can actively help care for Jack now which has made a huge difference in our lives.  I seriously want to cry, it's such a big deal for us. Yay.

And I am actively losing weight! It's only been less than a week but I'm already down a few pounds and am heading in the right direction. I think I'll post "weight-loss wednesday" check ins starting this week. :-)

Thursday, July 7, 2016

San Francisco bound!

Well, it's happening. This east coast gal is going to become a west coast gal in the next couple months.  Does this mean I need to retire the "ChickinNH" name? "ChickinSF" just doesn't look right...

Hubs and I officially decided he should take this promotion (it's a BIG step in his career) and so to San Francisco we go!  I'm choosing to look at it as a new adventure and maybe (hopefully) as a fresh new start.  It's no secret I've fought depression for the last few years and it was certainly a battle after Jack was born with the PPD/PPA but things are pretty decent overall these days.  I'm still on Lexapro and occasionally still see my therapist but things feel under control now.  What is NOT under control is my weight. I'm 10 lbs heavier than I was when I got PG with Jack and I've decided it's time to do something about it. I'm hopeful that this move will help me with weight loss.  I've developed bad habits that I need to break and this big life change can help me start fresh with good habits. The sun, the water, the hiking, the proximity to fresh produce and walking trails... all of it should be good for me.  And what's also good is that this will likely only be a 2 year move (tops).  The new initiative my hubby is undertaking should be completed within 2 years so if we want to move back to the Boston area then, we can. And I assume we will since we both grew up here and all our family and many friends are here. Another good thing is that we will still be able to keep a residence here in NH during that time as well since we will be back and forth quite a bit, mainly for Jack's dr. appts.  It's taken a full year to find the right specialists for him so I do not plan to move all his care to CA just to (likely) move it back to Boston again. Barring any issues arising during the next couple years, we should only need check ups once per year with most of his doctors so I will try to lump those visits together when I can and just come back east here and there over the next couple years.

Speaking of Jack medical news; he is doing great.  He FINALLY had his MRI and overall it was good news.  No compression at the base of his spine, so no surgery needed at this time. Also, no hydrocephalus found in his brain. Huge relief! They did find a potential issue with swelling of the sheaths surrounding his optic nerves though so we were referred to an Ophthalmologist for some testing.  Luckily they didn't find evidence of damage to the optic nerves themselves (that would cause irreparable blindness) but they weren't sure if this was an issue that was getting worse or if he was born with the swelling due to intracranial pressure and it's actually getting better. So we went back to the specialist a month later for repeat testing and found there as been no change.  Overall, good news. We'll need to go back again in 3 months, and Jack's Neurosurgeon also ordered a repeat MRI for 2 months from now to ensure everything is still okay as they did find ventriculomegaly (enlarged ventricles of the brain, common with Achon), and though his nerves aren't currently being compressed, one of the vertebrae in his neck juts out at a funny angle so they need to keep an eye on it. Hopefully everything will be fine.

He's doing awesome though. Within the last month he started sitting on his own and pulling to stand and we are just so proud of him. He is so happy and smiley and I am just totally in love. His new challenge as of today is trying to climb up the stairs. Uh oh.

Here are some pics of him doing his favorite things:

Pool time
Playing with balloons

Being naked (probably his most favorite thing).

He has such a personality and is totally a toddler now (complete with attitude).  He'll be 15 months in a couple days and I'll post the update when I have it.

We also were lucky enough to go to the Annual LPA (Little People of America) Convention this past weekend as it just happened to be here in Boston this year!  It was a really wonderful and unique experience to be able to see so many little people of all sizes, shapes, and abilities, and to truly understand that we are part of something so much bigger than just our little world. Pun intended :-P
We plan to go again in future years but likely not until Jack is old enough to start to get something out of it.  Many little people meet their best friends and future spouses through LPA so we definitely want it to be a part of our and Jack's lives. Here's a pic! Final attendance was more than 2,200 from all across the US and Canada!

In case you are wondering, we did not make it into the picture due to a certain cranky baby who shall remain nameless.

So there's my update!  In a nutshell: Jack is doing good, Hubs and I are doing good, we're about to start planning/packing for our big move, and I'm going to start focusing again on losing weight. Don't be surprised if you start to see some diet/exercise check in posts again soon!