Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I am a terrible person.

Hubs and I are pretty good friends with our next-door neighbors and have now also gotten to know one of their good (male) buddies too (I'll call him A). We both liked A from the first time we met him but had never met his wife.  We did know that they are a little younger than us and don't have children either, but we never really gave it a second thought.

Well, about 2 months ago, Hubs and I were in the waiting room at the RE and who walks in but A and his wife!  Hubs, A and I were all like, "holy shit!" and obviously felt a little weird but also couldn't help but laugh. Hubs and I were kind of happy to finally meet the wife and tried to talk to her but she actually wouldn't even look at us and just pretended we weren't there even though we were talking with her husband!  It was extremely awkward and obvious that she was ignoring us but I just brushed it off as her either feeling 'exposed' or maybe worried because, as I found out, that was their very first visit to the RE.  (Coincidentally, that visit for us was the day the Dr told us we needed to do IVF. Not a fun day for me.)

Since that day, Hubs and A have become pretty good friends and text all the time and get together every now and then.  It seems they have bonded over the whole IF process and A asks Hubs questions and advice since we've been through all of this and they are just starting out.

So now I'll get to why I am a terrible person;

I don't know the exact IF problems A and his wife are dealing with except that she only has one ovary.  We also know that A's SA results were really good. They are currently in their very first medicated cycle with the RE (injects) and Hubs just excitedly told me that due to the wife's response, they decided to convert this to an IVF cycle! That was not originally the plan but all the conditions were right so they triggered last night and the ER is tomorrow morning.  

Hubs: "Isn't that great?!!" 
Me: "Yup."  

NO it's not great! Actually, it makes me feel like crying!!  It makes me feel even worse about our own situation and like life is even MORE unfair! We've had to go through so much to get to this point with all the cancelled medicated cycles, then (once IVF was the plan) a full month of BCPs leading up to 3 weeks of injects. This whole thing has felt like never-ending waiting for us and it feels like they just breezed on it there and now have a 40-50% chance of getting KU on their first try!  We're the ones who have been going in there week after week, month after month (correction: I'M the one...) getting poked and prodded, taking meds and dealing with side effects...they have one cycle and BOOM - right to the front of the line.

I don't even know if they're going to get pregnant from this cycle or not. I just know that right now they have a chance and we don't because I still have a month of meds to go, and that feels like shit.

I am a terrible person.

It's ironic that I'm struggling with these awful feelings in relation to this couple - this real life couple who I know and who my husband is friends with - when, at the same time, I fully and wholeheartedly root so hard for all of you ladies and want so badly for you all to get KU! Why am I struggling so much to find empathy and positive feelings for them when they deserve it just as much as anyone else?

Of course it all boils down to that I'm afraid they will get KU and we won't. It feels like this situation ups the ante for our IVF cycle and I hate that. But obviously their cycle has no effect on our chances.  Hopefully they WILL get pregnant this cycle, and WE will get pregnant at the end of November and then (assuming the wife actually talks to us someday) we can all get together periodically and our little kids can play with one other.  

Ugh, I was hoping that blogging about this would make me see why my mean-spirited feelings are wrong and would leave me feeling as happy and hopeful for them as I should feel. Nope.  Looks like I'm just going to have to struggle with this one.

We're getting together this weekend with A and his wife along with our neighbors so maybe spending some time getting to know them better will turn my feelings around. I sure hope so because at the present time I'm really not feeling all that good about myself, and they really deserve to have as many good vibes sent out to the universe for them as possible.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

1 shot down, 1 million to go

Okay, so really it's more like 35-40 to go...  but, I gave myself my first Lupron shot this morning! That means we're finally getting moving and I am officially in an IVF cycle!  That makes me happy.

It's funny how apprehensive I was about IVF a few months ago and how now, not only am I completely used to the idea/good with it, I'm actually excited about it! Besides that sole (unexpected) O a few months ago that resulted in a BFN, this will be our first REAL shot at getting pregnant in a year and half trying. My fingers are gonna be crossed for the entire next month!

I already have a bruise on my stomach from the shot this morning, and the one from the practice shot last Thurs is still there. At this rate, I'm going to be completely black and blue for the next month.  Over the weekend I did go out and buy myself some new pairs of nice work pants that are a little looser though since the waistlines of all my pants fall right on the bruises when I sit down and I expect to also be bloated from the meds. Hopefully this month will go by quickly and it won't be much of an issue.

In other news, I found a new hobby: cross-stitching. CiCi turned me on to it and now I love it because I find it both relaxing and strangely fulfilling. And maybe it's silly and/or presumptuous of me, but I ordered this baby pattern online and should be getting it any day. Now that I've started my IVF cycle, my plan is to work on it as a little project to keep me calm & relaxed, and to keep my eyes on the prize through all of this.  Hopefully hopefully hopefully, at the end of the month I will actually have a reason to use this 9 months later! If not though, my hope is that I WILL use it someday.

In all this time, I have avoided buying ANYTHING baby-related out of fear of bad juju so I found it interesting that the moment I saw this, I knew it was exactly what I wanted to work on and bought it without a second thought. TTC has been a long road filled with almost constant disappointment for me, but the fact that I had no qualms about this purchase/project tells me that I must finally have some real hope inside me that things will turn out alright in the end.

I'm so glad this IVF cycle has finally begun and I can't wait to start working on this little project :-)


Thursday, October 24, 2013

Got my IVF schedule!

I had my IVF class this morning and it went really well.  I'm relieved that there was nothing new or unexpected and that I now have all the info.  During the class Hubs and I got to practice loading/injecting all the different types of shots. Unfortunately, the nurse wanted me to actually TAKE the shots while we were with her (just with some sterile fluid) so I gave myself a subcutaneous one in the belly (that will be for the Lupron & Gonal-F) and then Hubs gave me the intramuscular one in my bum. He was really nervous but did a great job. The little one I gave myself was a total breeze but the one from Hubs hurt like a mo-fo! I'm glad I'll only need to get one of those suckers (trigger shot - Novarel). It made me jump when he stuck me and I'm still a little sore even now. I also learned that I'm apparently a bleeder. 
Aside: I will refrain from making the obvious reference to "There's Something About Mary" here, since I already referenced that movie just a few posts ago and the fact that it's come up twice now is sort of weird. I barely even liked that movie when it came out in the 90s and if I reference it again you will probably think it's my all-time favorite movie or something but that would be incorrect because my all-time fav movie is most definitely Shawshank Redemption. Damn, now I kind want to watch it again for the eleven-millionth time.
Aaaanyway, based on all the info, I made myself a handy-dandy calendar to follow so that I can just check off the meds as I take them and there's no confusion.  I'm also kind of ADD so without this I'd probably wander away from the meds as I'm prepping them to go make the bed, examine the dog for ticks, or check the weather and then forget all about it.  Hopefully this will help. Here's the calendar for November!:

It's hard to see but I color coded all the different meds and put in the tentative dates for everything.  As of now, here's what my schedule looks like:

10/9-11/5: 4 wks BCPs
10/29: Start Lupron
11/7: Pre-op & Sounding test
11/8: Should get my period around this date
11/9: Baseline BW & US, Start Gonal-F, decrease dose of Lupron
11/14-11/21: Montoring BW & US as needed. Clinic will adjust med dosages daily as needed
11/21: Anticipated trigger (Novarel)
11/23: Anticipated ER (Crinone starts 11/25)
Hoping for a 5DT on 11/28 (Thanksgiving!!)

I thinking it's sort of neat that with this schedule our 5DT (day transfer) falls on Thanksgiving, but I also know that going into the hospital for procedures on a holiday kind of sucks because there's often a skeleton crew and the unlucky workers who ARE there likely do not want to be there.  Oh well!  Not like I can do anything about it anyway so I will just be thankful if that is the case :-)

I'm officially excited!!

Update: I am apparently not just a bleeder but also a bruiser!  I've got two fresh ones already.  I will spare you a pic of my belly roll complete with stretch marks though :-)

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Special delivery!

I got a very special FedEx package today!

Obligatory pic of all my meds:

Lupron, Gonal-F, Novarel & Crinone plus about a billion needles. This pic does not include all the Metformin I have to consistently take (1500mg/day) or the 4 weeks of BCPs (Emoquette). Oy. I kind of can't believe that all of this is going IN my body...

I was pleasantly surprised to see the size of the syringes for the Lupron. I guess I was expecting the huge needles like with an intramuscular trigger shot since that's all I had to compare it to.  Also, the Gonal-F comes with a little pre-filled clicky-pen type thing (on the right in the pic) which makes me happy since it's one less thing I'll have to worry about.

Bright and early Thursday morning is my IVF class (at 7:30 am!). Finally! I feel like I've been waiting for this forever! I can't wait to get my calendar and know the plan.

I guess this means I'm a real IVF-er now, eh?

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Updates from a delinquent blogger

I am a poor excuse for a blogger lately. I've been busy with both work and personal stuff so I sort of fell out of the habit and stopped thinking about it. Also, being on BCPs sort of feels like being benched so there's really nothing happening!  In spite of that, here are some random updates:

I am (mostly) sleeping again, hurrah!

I just started my 2nd week of BCPs. I will take them for 3 more weeks but at the start of the last week (10/30) I will also start Lupron shots.

I scheduled delivery for my giant box o' meds!

Next Thurs 10/24 is my IVF class. I'm really looking forward to it because I am a person who likes to know everything I can so I feel in control and know what to expect.  Right now there's still some "mystery" about IVF for me so I'm looking forward to being an IVF know-it-all soon  :-)

I went out with one of my girlfriends over the weekend and she asked how things were going so I told her about starting IVF.  Upon telling her about freezing any extra embryos for future FETs if needed (FX there will be some healthy ones to freeze!), she said "well hopefully you'll get pregnant and then you can just sell the leftover embryos to another couple who can't get pregnant!"  Ummmm, whaaat?  No. I said; "You do realize that that would be my egg and Hubby's sperm, right? We're not going to sell our fertilized eggs to someone..."  She seemed very confused and couldn't seem to understand why I wouldn't want other little 'Chickins' running around somewhere that we don't know about. Not to mention; even if we DID happen to get KU with this IVF, it's likely we'd need those embies for the the next time we TTC!  I was just met with confusion. That was a very strange conversation and left me feeling totally judged and misunderstood. Am I being the weird one here? I don't get it.  

This is a good example of why I don't really share this stuff with anyone. The sister I'm closest with knows, as does one sister-in-law.  Besides that, I told my boss because she conceived one of her children through IVF so she knows exactly what I am going through, and I've tried a few times to talk about it with my parents but that has been an epic fail.  They are from the era where you DON'T talk about this stuff with anyone and you DON'T see anyone for fertility help. You just try and try and if it doesn't happen then it wasn't meant to be. Whenever I bring it up they get visibly uncomfortable, ask zero questions, offer zero support and just sit stoically, waiting for me to stop talking so they can change the subject to safe happy topics like their garden or the books they're currently reading.

I'm beginning to feel like an alien.

This is why I love my IDOB girls so much and love stalking all you other bloggers. It makes me feel normal again.

Overall though I've been feeling quite a bit better mentally and more like myself, which I attribute to maybe being on BCPs instead of fertility meds (??). Whatever, I'm goin' with it.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

I can't sleep anymore.

This. Totally. Sucks. I fall asleep just fine but then I wake up every night sometime between 1:30 and 3:30 and can't get back to sleep for hours. I am not liking this pattern.

Here's what I spend my time doing in the middle of the night lately:
70% of the time: Laying awake thinking about random stuff/upcoming plans and picturing every scenario of how things might go. I usually end up making myself either excited or anxious. Either way, it just wakes me up more.

15%: Thrashing about angrily

10%: Giving up and A) wandering around the house, B) surfing the interwebz, C) going to the spare room/couch to hopefully fall asleep again due to change of scenery

4%: Calculating exactly how much sleep I will get if I fall asleep riiiiight...NOW. No? Okaaay...NOW.  Nope, how about...NOW....

1%: Sleeping soundly through the night (that should probably be more like 0.1%)
I usually finally fall back to sleep about 30 mins before it's time to get up which results in me being a total zombie the next day and feeling like a big pile of poo. It's now like a fun game of hide-and-seek for Hubs each morning since he never knows where he's going to find me when the alarm goes off!

Ugh, I'm going to the spare room now to hopefully catch a shred of sleep but I'll probably just do some more of this:

Thursday, October 3, 2013

I have been completely MIA.

Sorry 'bout that folks.

I was seriously just about dead from all the government shutdown-related work that had to get done through Monday and had to recover.  But, I am now recovered!  Yay! My back is better too which is a huuuuuge relief.

I'm on Provera day 4/5 and side effects have been minimal so far - just a handful of hot flashes and some seriously f-ed up dreams.  Hopefully I'll be getting AF around next Tues and then can start the 4 weeks of BCPs.  I already have them and am so ready to get moving on this IVF cycle already! We've been scheduled for the IVF class on Oct 24th and I have my sounding test on Nov 7th. If all goes according to plan, I will hopefully be PUPO by Thanksgiving!

"Franks and Beans!"..."What about Brett Fav...ruh(?)"
This week I've also been kitty-sitting while my sister and her hubby are on vacation. We had some super-special cuddle time today which was adorable but ended with me getting hives all over my face and neck and pretty much looking like Woogie from There's Something About Mary. 
Me thinks I am allergic to cats. 
It was not attractive.

Besides that, I've been lamenting the fact that we had to cover the pool yesterday (on an 85 degree day). Waaaahhh! Swimming was my relaxing time and my go-to when having a bad IF day.  I now need to figure out a new happy-place.

I need to find some time to do some serious blog/IDOB stalking soon! Right now Hubs and I are gonna watch the episode of Homeland we have on the DVR though :-)