Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I am a terrible person.

Hubs and I are pretty good friends with our next-door neighbors and have now also gotten to know one of their good (male) buddies too (I'll call him A). We both liked A from the first time we met him but had never met his wife.  We did know that they are a little younger than us and don't have children either, but we never really gave it a second thought.

Well, about 2 months ago, Hubs and I were in the waiting room at the RE and who walks in but A and his wife!  Hubs, A and I were all like, "holy shit!" and obviously felt a little weird but also couldn't help but laugh. Hubs and I were kind of happy to finally meet the wife and tried to talk to her but she actually wouldn't even look at us and just pretended we weren't there even though we were talking with her husband!  It was extremely awkward and obvious that she was ignoring us but I just brushed it off as her either feeling 'exposed' or maybe worried because, as I found out, that was their very first visit to the RE.  (Coincidentally, that visit for us was the day the Dr told us we needed to do IVF. Not a fun day for me.)

Since that day, Hubs and A have become pretty good friends and text all the time and get together every now and then.  It seems they have bonded over the whole IF process and A asks Hubs questions and advice since we've been through all of this and they are just starting out.

So now I'll get to why I am a terrible person;

I don't know the exact IF problems A and his wife are dealing with except that she only has one ovary.  We also know that A's SA results were really good. They are currently in their very first medicated cycle with the RE (injects) and Hubs just excitedly told me that due to the wife's response, they decided to convert this to an IVF cycle! That was not originally the plan but all the conditions were right so they triggered last night and the ER is tomorrow morning.  

Hubs: "Isn't that great?!!" 
Me: "Yup."  

NO it's not great! Actually, it makes me feel like crying!!  It makes me feel even worse about our own situation and like life is even MORE unfair! We've had to go through so much to get to this point with all the cancelled medicated cycles, then (once IVF was the plan) a full month of BCPs leading up to 3 weeks of injects. This whole thing has felt like never-ending waiting for us and it feels like they just breezed on it there and now have a 40-50% chance of getting KU on their first try!  We're the ones who have been going in there week after week, month after month (correction: I'M the one...) getting poked and prodded, taking meds and dealing with side effects...they have one cycle and BOOM - right to the front of the line.

I don't even know if they're going to get pregnant from this cycle or not. I just know that right now they have a chance and we don't because I still have a month of meds to go, and that feels like shit.

I am a terrible person.

It's ironic that I'm struggling with these awful feelings in relation to this couple - this real life couple who I know and who my husband is friends with - when, at the same time, I fully and wholeheartedly root so hard for all of you ladies and want so badly for you all to get KU! Why am I struggling so much to find empathy and positive feelings for them when they deserve it just as much as anyone else?

Of course it all boils down to that I'm afraid they will get KU and we won't. It feels like this situation ups the ante for our IVF cycle and I hate that. But obviously their cycle has no effect on our chances.  Hopefully they WILL get pregnant this cycle, and WE will get pregnant at the end of November and then (assuming the wife actually talks to us someday) we can all get together periodically and our little kids can play with one other.  

Ugh, I was hoping that blogging about this would make me see why my mean-spirited feelings are wrong and would leave me feeling as happy and hopeful for them as I should feel. Nope.  Looks like I'm just going to have to struggle with this one.

We're getting together this weekend with A and his wife along with our neighbors so maybe spending some time getting to know them better will turn my feelings around. I sure hope so because at the present time I'm really not feeling all that good about myself, and they really deserve to have as many good vibes sent out to the universe for them as possible.


  1. Chickin, you can't feel badly for feeling the way you feel... honestly, I don't know A and wife from Adam, but based off of wife's awkward response to you at the RE office... I don't like them too much!! You are a good person for giving her the benefit of the doubt. Me? Psht. Biiiiiiiitch!! ;) In all seriousness though. I COMPLETELY understand and followed your logic in this post. Rationally, we know that A & wife's fertility has nothing to do with yours... but this journey is an EMOTIONAL journey. Nothing about it is rational. So don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you feel. You are NOT a bad person for having those thoughts. Cause honestly... we all feel that way. It means that you're human. ((hugs)) I hope you can forgive yourself and make peace with the situation (and good for you for making plans with them this weekend. I'd be like "Peace the eff out!" LOL)

  2. Thank you so much for your comment CC - you have no idea how much that helps me right now. You're the best <3

  3. Don't beat yourself up over feeling this way- I have definitely been there before. I used to feel sad and annoyed when we were going through IF treatments and I would hear that a friend was starting to TTC - in my head I would route against them getting pregnant before us, which is totally mean spirited, but it helped me cope!

    Of course you want your cycle to work and it would be tough if theirs worked and yours didn't! Those are totally normal thoughts.

  4. I just want to reach out and hug you! Cici really hit all the points that I was thinking reading through this post. You are allowed to feel however you feel, whatever that is. I am learning that you can't control how you feel, the only thing you can do is feel it and then decide what you want to do with that. You can't make it go away just like that, but there's no point in adding to your feelings by beating yourself up about it.

    I still feel like a b@%#^ that I haven't talked to my SIL as much about this pregnancy, but it's what I need to do to keep putting one foot in front of the other right now. It's not that I don't inquire when we see each other and wish her well, sincerely, but it's such a different feeling than when she was KU with #1 and I had no idea about IF. And that sucks, but it's also ok. My parting wisdom: fake it till you make it (my current mantra!) and stop beating yourself up about feeling this way. Love ya, girl, I'm always here for you!! <3

  5. One thing I have learned from IF is there is no right or wrong way when it comes to your emotions. Sometimes our heads tell us one thing, while our heart goes in another direction. You are an amazing person. Don't beat yourself up. This process is hard. You do what do need to, and feel what you need to, to get to the other side.

  6. I appreciate you girls so much. Thank you!!

  7. I totally agree with CC, & I can definitely see why you would feel that way! Don't beat yourself up! Honestly, if I was in your position I think I would feel the same way...and of course no one wants to feel that way, it's just what happens! You're completely normal, girl! ::hugs::

  8. I agree with CC also. It's hard to explain to most, but the emotional aspect of infertility can be so difficult. I would probably feel the same way.