Wednesday, October 30, 2013
I am a terrible person.
Hubs and I are pretty good friends with our next-door neighbors and have now also gotten to know one of their good (male) buddies too (I'll call him A). We both liked A from the first time we met him but had never met his wife. We did know that they are a little younger than us and don't have children either, but we never really gave it a second thought.
Well, about 2 months ago, Hubs and I were in the waiting room at the RE and who walks in but A and his wife! Hubs, A and I were all like, "holy shit!" and obviously felt a little weird but also couldn't help but laugh. Hubs and I were kind of happy to finally meet the wife and tried to talk to her but she actually wouldn't even look at us and just pretended we weren't there even though we were talking with her husband! It was extremely awkward and obvious that she was ignoring us but I just brushed it off as her either feeling 'exposed' or maybe worried because, as I found out, that was their very first visit to the RE. (Coincidentally, that visit for us was the day the Dr told us we needed to do IVF. Not a fun day for me.)
Since that day, Hubs and A have become pretty good friends and text all the time and get together every now and then. It seems they have bonded over the whole IF process and A asks Hubs questions and advice since we've been through all of this and they are just starting out.
So now I'll get to why I am a terrible person;
I don't know the exact IF problems A and his wife are dealing with except that she only has one ovary. We also know that A's SA results were really good. They are currently in their very first medicated cycle with the RE (injects) and Hubs just excitedly told me that due to the wife's response, they decided to convert this to an IVF cycle! That was not originally the plan but all the conditions were right so they triggered last night and the ER is tomorrow morning.
Hubs: "Isn't that great?!!"
NO it's not great! Actually, it makes me feel like crying!! It makes me feel even worse about our own situation and like life is even MORE unfair! We've had to go through so much to get to this point with all the cancelled medicated cycles, then (once IVF was the plan) a full month of BCPs leading up to 3 weeks of injects. This whole thing has felt like never-ending waiting for us and it feels like they just breezed on it there and now have a 40-50% chance of getting KU on their first try! We're the ones who have been going in there week after week, month after month (correction: I'M the one...) getting poked and prodded, taking meds and dealing with side effects...they have one cycle and BOOM - right to the front of the line.
I don't even know if they're going to get pregnant from this cycle or not. I just know that right now they have a chance and we don't because I still have a month of meds to go, and that feels like shit.
I am a terrible person.
It's ironic that I'm struggling with these awful feelings in relation to this couple - this real life couple who I know and who my husband is friends with - when, at the same time, I fully and wholeheartedly root so hard for all of you ladies and want so badly for you all to get KU! Why am I struggling so much to find empathy and positive feelings for them when they deserve it just as much as anyone else?
Of course it all boils down to that I'm afraid they will get KU and we won't. It feels like this situation ups the ante for our IVF cycle and I hate that. But obviously their cycle has no effect on our chances. Hopefully they WILL get pregnant this cycle, and WE will get pregnant at the end of November and then (assuming the wife actually talks to us someday) we can all get together periodically and our little kids can play with one other.
Ugh, I was hoping that blogging about this would make me see why my mean-spirited feelings are wrong and would leave me feeling as happy and hopeful for them as I should feel. Nope. Looks like I'm just going to have to struggle with this one.
We're getting together this weekend with A and his wife along with our neighbors so maybe spending some time getting to know them better will turn my feelings around. I sure hope so because at the present time I'm really not feeling all that good about myself, and they really deserve to have as many good vibes sent out to the universe for them as possible.