It's not to say it's not still hard because it is, particularly around 4am when I've been with Jack all day, Hubs took him for a couple hours after he got home from work to give me a break, then I was with the baby all night too and then he just decides he doesn't want to go down again after his middle of the night feeding - it's then when I just have a slight breakdown from exhaustion and so much broken sleep and I bring him to Hubs crying. He's always good about taking Jack at those times though. He gets up quickly, grabs the baby and tells me to just go to bed and not worry about it. Sometimes I just cry with relief.
Things are good though. Jack is sleeping for longer stretches during the night and is up a lot during the day so it seems he's got his nocturnal thing kicked. Hooray! I would say I'm able to have a pretty normal life now where I usually get an okay amount of sleep at night now (although quite broken up), often can get a chance to get in a nap in the late morning if I make myself take a break (hard to do when there's laundry, dishes, cleaning, food shopping, errands, showering, etc. to do), and now I'm able to predict with some amount of certainty how much time I have to run errands, etc. based on his sleeping and eating schedule. During the day he eats 4oz every 3 hours like clockwork now. It's pretty awesome. At night he stretches that to more like 4-4.5 hours. In his bassinet. In our room. NOT in the living room (or in my arms) anymore. That is EXTREMELY awesome.
Stopping breastfeeding/pumping has done wonders for me both mentally and physically. I made the decision to stop last week. It was hard for me to decide to stop but in the end I am very glad I did. It was just too hard. I couldn't the find time to do it, the amount of milk I'd get during a pumping session just kept dwindling and dwindling, I was exhausted, disappointed, feeling like a failure, feeling crazy... it was better for us both that I stopped. I have been a better mother because of it. And Jack is still healthy, happy and growing well. I don't know what took me so long or why I beat myself up so much trying so hard to make something work that just wasn't going to work. I feel so much relief now.
I had my 6week post partum check up last Wed. My c-section incision is infected. ::Sigh:: I kind of knew it but just didn't have time(?) to deal with that problem. I should have made it a priority but I just didn't. The doctor told me sternly: "You need to rest more so you can heal". I told her that's impossible. She told me to figure it out because that's what needs to happen. So, we flew my parents back up here yet again from FL a few days ago. Hubs ended up having to go to San Francisco for work all this week and there was a zero percent chance I'd be able to get any rest whatsoever without him here so it was either hire someone through care.com who I don't know and I'd have to teach them the ropes/worry about them with Jack, or just use that money to fly my parents back up again. No brainer. Man, I'm glad they're retired!! They'll be here through Saturday when Hubs gets home. I was a little worried about bringing them back since last time they were here I was in a bad place mentally and kept having crying breakdowns so I sort of equated those feelings with them being here, but things have gotten so much better over the past couple weeks. I'm feeling so much better and more like myself (albeit still constantly tired). I'm not sure if it was post-partum hormones taking a handful of weeks to sort themselves out or if it was hormone changes from BF (or maybe from actually stopping BF/pumping) but I'm just in a much better place now.
Anywho, back to the dr appt: So yeah, my incision is infected. I'm on antibiotics for the next week and have to clean and redress the area 3 times a day while getting air to it for chunks of time each day so that's fun. Besides that, I've been cleared for sex again! Yahoo! Only...not. I have had absolutely no interest in sex for oh, 9 months or so, so I'm not exactly champing at the bit to get some action. Poor hubs. But, that seems to be changing a bit as I go longer and longer without BF so maybe that's coming back. That means I'm back on birth control pills now. I am just REALLY hoping that those will get me back to how I was feeling 3 years ago when I went off of them for the first time when we started trying to conceive. (Y'know, before my hormones went mental from taking all kinds of fertility meds, then getting PG, then PG loss, then PG again, then BF... it's been quite a journey with that)
Other body changes:
- My weight has leveled off at about 5 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight so that's good.
- The extra flap of skin on my stomach that used to sort
of hang over my incision scar has mostly stretched back. It's still
flabby though and I'm sure it will be for a while until I can actually start working out..
- I still cannot get my engagement ring back on my finger :-( I am so sad about that!! I've been able to wear my wedding band since about 3w PP but that diamond just will not make it back on. At this point I'm not sure what to do. Unless I start a weight loss program that thing will not be making an appearance anytime soon.
- PP bleeding stopped somewhere between 5-6w after birth. It's been really nice to not have to wear a pad constantly. I feel bad for Jack who has to wear a diaper around the clock!
- My face is fatter than it used to be and I now have ever-present bags under my eyes.
- My feet went back to normal a couple weeks after birth (thank GOD) but my toes look horrific. I really need a pedicure. I wasn't able to reach my toes for while there and now I just don't have time! When I finally get one it's gonna be like that scene in Dumb and Dumber.
- My back pain has mostly dissipated now which is a huuuuge relief. I have still been going to the chiropractor twice a week and am not sure if it's actually helping or not but I continue to go. I think the excruciating pain was lingering stuff from the c-section and from my body (ligaments, etc.) going back to where they used to be before pregnancy. I'm so thankful I can walk and do things again without feeling like my back is going to go out on me at any moment.
- Finally, my breasts are gross now. They are pretty much ruined, haha. Flat, misshapen, no longer perky by any stretch of the imagination... The nips were relatively mutilated for a while there but they are healing up now which is a very good thing. Ah well - the price you pay to have this beautiful little guy:
I'll take the sacrifice :-)
He is doing awesome. He's focusing so much more now. He recognizes mine and Hubs' voices and looks around for us. He looks at his toys, he looks at our faces...he melts my heart! And I just KNOW there's a real smile right around the corner. I cannot WAIT :-)