Monday, May 29, 2017

Jack is two

Well, 2 plus almost 2 months now :-)  I'm a little slow.

He is awesome.  He's on the go all the time now, can't just walk but has to run everywhere all the time.  Kisses all his stuffed animals first thing every morning and "feeds" his farm animals (LittlePeople) before we can go downstairs and have breakfast. He loves to give kisses and hugs, waves and smiles at everyone he sees and is generally just the sweetest cutest kid ever.  He's been getting his fair share of stares lately when we're out in public - I think it must be that he's now grown enough that people can tell he's not a baby but can't quite figure out what's "wrong". I dread when he's a little older and starts noticing the stares.  For the most part though, people just generally comment on what a cutie he is and I have to agree!

We had him evaluated for speech therapy a few months ago and got some good tips on how to work with him at home. He is now up to 30 words which is a huge improvement and he seems to gain a word-a-day lately! He also now refuses to call us Mama and Dada any longer, it's only Mommy and Daddy and he will correct us when we forget.

This kid is a little spitfire. He has a great sense of humor and I can't get enough of him.  (Except for when I can, but then I drop him off at PT daycare :-)  )


25 lbs, 28.5 inches
Wearing size 12-18 mo tops and 12 mo bottoms
Has all his teeth except the dreaded "2-year molars"
Favorite show is Little Baby Bum videos on YouTube
Favorite foods are blueberries, yogurt smoothies, and anything anyone else is eating
Loves trucks, vehicles, trains, balls, Elmo, swinging, playing in the sand
Breathing better since he had his adenoids removed

Finally discovered his pockets.

Cool dude.

The kid loves to swing!

Sunday, May 14, 2017

It's Mothers Day.

This is my 3rd Mothers Day as a mama with a child here in my arms. And I still feel emotional and disjointed and just... yucky about this day. I am so grateful for Jack. SO grateful I don't even know how to express it and when I think about it too much I tear up. And I miss Petey. And when I think about it too much I tear up. (And now I am fighting back tears at a sidewalk cafe with happy people walking by. Dammit.) I hate that I still feel so effected by this day. I try not to make it a loaded day but it still is. I fight the depressive feelings. I fight the memories and the what-ifs. I fight the feeling that I'm somehow a fraud as I hold my one child in my arms on this day and have no way to hold my other child. (And now I'm not even fighting back the tears; crying in public - not a first for me unfortunately.) I don't know what to do with myself on this day besides just wishing for I t to pass. Hubs got up with Jack this morning and let me sleep in. Then I took a loooong shower and it was glorious. That's exactly what I said I wanted for Mothers Day. And that's what I got. But what I truly want is to somehow change the past. I want to have both my babies in my arms. I want to not have gone through what we went through. I want to not have a day that reminds me every second of what I am missing. I want to really truly feel at peace. Hubs can't give me that. And he doesn't even know I feel like this. We rarely talk about Petey anymore. I haven't said his name out loud since August when I told it to my friend for the first time on the anniversary of his due date and I can't even remember the last time Hubs and I said it to each other. I don't know where he stands on grieving our first child. There's so much to do and think about and focus on now with our living child. And I wouldn't change that for the world. I just wish I could change the past. To clarify: not the decision to terminate, as I still know that was the right decision for us, just to change what happened, period. But I can't and I never will and I have to find a way to live with that. Most days I do okay. Today is not one of those days. Today the tears are slowly rolling down my cheeks as all the sweet happy families pass me by. And that's my reality right now. That's how Mothers Day effects me. Maybe before next Mothers Day I'll find a way to figure out how to not let the past take over my present.