This is the month that I hope and pray will be our month!!
I am pretty darn focused on everything IVF-related right now. My morning shot of Lupron is on my mind the second my eyes open and at night I feel like I'm just waiting... for what I don't really know. It's like I'm waiting for the exact time to have to run upstairs and give myself another shot. (Which of course makes no sense because right now I just have the 1 shot each morning. I can't seem to convince my brain of that though.)
My excitement from Tuesday has worn off already. I was so happy to officially get this cycle started (and I'm still glad we're moving forward of course,) but even just a handful of shots in I'm already getting sick of this. I hate needles, I hate the adrenaline that courses through my body when I'm prepping the shot, and I hate that I'm so FOCUSED on it all. I'm hoping it will just become old hat soon and will just be a teensy blip on the radar of each day.
This whole thing is SUCH a rollercoaster of emotions. I am well aware that one day I am bursting with hope and happiness and the next I am a crying mess. Take Wednesday for instance: not a good night for me. Correction: it was a GREAT night since the Red Sox won the World Series but even with the excitement of the game and the win, I still could not get my mind off of IF stuff and ended up a crying mess. While watching the game the tears just kept leaking out even though I was happy the Sox were winning! I had to keep repositioning myself on the couch so I could use my computer to hide my tears from Hubs on the other side of the room. Normally I'm not at all worried about that but on the night of the World Series, if he saw me sitting there crying for no apparent reason I'm sure he'd legitimately think I'd gone crazy and I wouldn't blame him - sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. I also didn't want to ruin the night for him if he had to worry about me and couldn't just be happy about the win. So THANK YOU ladies for offering support here and on FB, I really needed it that night and am so grateful! <3
I'm hoping some of these ups and downs will calm down a little bit but realistically I should probably expect them to get worse over the next month. I am just hoping SO HARD that if we do not get KU with this cycle, that we have at least one healthy embie that makes it to freeze so that I won't have to go through all the meds again the very next cycle. I honestly do not know if I am strong enough for it and I am blown away by CC and Twinkie's strength and courage in that situation. I sincerely hope that if that is my path too, I will have even a fraction of the strength you two ladies do and I will look to you for inspiration!!
Sigh. I hate this waiting game. I have never been good at waiting for something I want - I'm a Taurus! Instant gratification is my middle name. If anything though, IF has taught me patience. All good things come to those who wait, right? (We'll see...)