I am pretty darn focused on everything IVF-related right now. My morning shot of Lupron is on my mind the second my eyes open and at night I feel like I'm just waiting... for what I don't really know. It's like I'm waiting for the exact time to have to run upstairs and give myself another shot. (Which of course makes no sense because right now I just have the 1 shot each morning. I can't seem to convince my brain of that though.)
My excitement from Tuesday has worn off already. I was so happy to officially get this cycle started (and I'm still glad we're moving forward of course,) but even just a handful of shots in I'm already getting sick of this. I hate needles, I hate the adrenaline that courses through my body when I'm prepping the shot, and I hate that I'm so FOCUSED on it all. I'm hoping it will just become old hat soon and will just be a teensy blip on the radar of each day.
This whole thing is SUCH a rollercoaster of emotions. I am well aware that one day I am bursting with hope and happiness and the next I am a crying mess. Take Wednesday for instance: not a good night for me. Correction: it was a GREAT night since the Red Sox won the World Series but even with the excitement of the game and the win, I still could not get my mind off of IF stuff and ended up a crying mess. While watching the game the tears just kept leaking out even though I was happy the Sox were winning! I had to keep repositioning myself on the couch so I could use my computer to hide my tears from Hubs on the other side of the room. Normally I'm not at all worried about that but on the night of the World Series, if he saw me sitting there crying for no apparent reason I'm sure he'd legitimately think I'd gone crazy and I wouldn't blame him - sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. I also didn't want to ruin the night for him if he had to worry about me and couldn't just be happy about the win. So THANK YOU ladies for offering support here and on FB, I really needed it that night and am so grateful! <3I'm hoping some of these ups and downs will calm down a little bit but realistically I should probably expect them to get worse over the next month. I am just hoping SO HARD that if we do not get KU with this cycle, that we have at least one healthy embie that makes it to freeze so that I won't have to go through all the meds again the very next cycle. I honestly do not know if I am strong enough for it and I am blown away by CC and Twinkie's strength and courage in that situation. I sincerely hope that if that is my path too, I will have even a fraction of the strength you two ladies do and I will look to you for inspiration!!
Sigh. I hate this waiting game. I have never been good at waiting for something I want - I'm a Taurus! Instant gratification is my middle name. If anything though, IF has taught me patience. All good things come to those who wait, right? (We'll see...)
CHICKIN!!!!!! I swear we could write each other's blogs and no one would know the difference. Every time I read your blog, I find myself responding to every sentence with, "Yeah! Me too!!" I saw your comment on my blog today, and I can't tell you how grateful I am that you said that to me right now. I needed to hear it. You need to hear it for yourself too: You are stronger than you think!! Please go back to the comment you wrote and read it to yourself. You need to know that your words to me are true for you too!!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean about sitting around all day waiting for the next shot... and crying and feeling sad when the rest of the world seems to be overjoyed with happiness. The IF Roller Coaster (which you depicted perfectly with your illustration) is relentless. Remember that you are not alone in what you are feeling. And that just because we feel this way right now doesn't mean that we will feel like this forever. I really do believe that this gut-wrenching, awful struggle will be worth it in the end. Our miracles are coming. SOON. Hang in there, friend. {{hugs}} and lots of <3 love <3
Ugly cry....commence! LOL. You're right CC. It's funny that I 100% believe in what I wrote to you but somehow struggle to find that it's true for me too.
DeleteI am so lucky to have all of you with me on this awful journey of ours, haha. I feel so lucky to have found you all and know that I'm not alone and that we're all here for each other. I don't even want to think about how this would all feel if I never joined TB and found IDOB. <3 you.
<3 I count TB and IDOB among my blessings every day. I don't know how it would be possible to endure this without meeting you awesome, amazing, incredibly strong ladies. <3 you too!!!
DeleteHold your head up, hon! The only 'advice' I can offer up is that your shots most definitely should just become another part of your day. While I didn't have as many as you are going through, the little over a weeks plus of shots I had became a mundane part of my day. It only took a couple days for the hype to wear off. I truly hope it's the same for you! ((hugs))!
ReplyDelete::sigh:: sorry you are going through this but I hope it turns out to be worth it in the end. Keeping everything crossed for you. ((Hugs))
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