Saturday, March 2, 2013

TTC when you have all single friends

Apparently I'm the kind of person (that everyone likely hates) who forms a new group of friends at every major new stage of life and loses touch with all the old ones. I wonder if it's a result of changing high schools when I was younger - your teenage years are so formative and when you are forced to make a new group of friends during that insecure and tumultuous time, maybe that establishes itself as a "norm" for you moving forward? Or, (as crappy as it sounds to say this) maybe I just haven't really made any "quality" friends that are worth keeping in touch with? Or maybe I just am a sucky friend. Who knows. 
What I DO know is that I have lost touch with almost all my college and HS friends (except for Facebook of course because where would the world be without silently stalking the lives of people you used to know and comparing yourself to them?) and although I'm not losing sleep over it, I now happen to find myself surrounded by a close group of girlfriends who are all older than me (some much older), unmarried, and childless, most with no plans to ever have children. 

I do have one close girlfriend who is about my age but she and her fiance recently moved away for work. They were our fun "couples friends" so I am very bummed that now we will only see them a handful of times a year.  She is the only one of my friends who is in a similar situation as me and now she's far away. Sad face. 

Don't get me wrong - I love my girlfriends, but we are just in such a different place in our lives that even though it used to not be an issue, it's starting to make a difference to me now that my priorities are changing. I'm not sure if they can feel it too or if it's all in my head, but things are just different. I don't feel like I can really talk to them about any TTC stuff which is hard because it has become a very important part of my life and I used to be able to tell them anything!  I already wrote about one instance of unintentional insensitivity (clicky - sorry, I realize it's pretty douchey and totally narcissistic to link to another post on my own blog), but there have been others things that have happened too.  I know they don't do it on purpose but they just can't relate to what I'm going through and I find it's creating a divide for me.

For example, a little while ago we all met for dinner after work. One of them was telling a story about her coworkers and said something to the effect of: "well, they're all married with kids anyway so they're probably just jealous of me since I have a life and they have all lost their identities and are completely boring since the only thing they have to talk about now are their kids."  Uhhh, what?
One of my other friends looked at me sort of apologetically then but most of them just sort of nodded in agreement and continued with the discussion, completely oblivious. Another friend did notice the look and said to me (trying to be helpful I guess): "That's why we're happy you don't have kids yet! You're still fun!"  Uhhh, thanks? WTF kind of back-handed "compliment" is that?  First, am I supposed to be happy you think I'm fun even though that also means that you are all apparently going to think I'm boring once I have kids and won't be interested in hearing about them?  And second, thank you oh-so-much for saying you are HAPPY I don't have a child yet even though you know we have been TTC for a while. That makes me feel great. 

They obviously weren't trying to make me feel bad and I'm trying to focus on not being oversensitive (maybe it was a joke?) but that kind of sucked.  I went to the bathroom then and have to assume they talked about me while I was gone since there was a lull in conversation when I got back to the table and the more sensitive friend who had looked at me apologetically asked me how everything was going and if there were any updates from the doctor, etc.  At that point I totally did NOT feel like I had a supportive environment in which to share my feelings so I just shrugged and said that I didn't really feel like talking about that tonight.

Since then, I haven't had all that much communication with them. I haven't reached out and they haven't reached out to me.  Sigh. C'est la vie.  NOW, I'm sort of wishing I had stayed in touch with some old friends too, since we're the same age and many of them are married, have babies or are pregnant. (However, I could also picture that if the opposite were true and all my friends were KU and had babies and I was the one having trouble TTC that that might suck even more! Hmmm...) I just hope that when I do get pregnant (and especially when I have a baby) that I'll be able to meet some new people who are in a similar situation as me.  It's not like I want to just throw away my current group of friends - I love them, but it would just be nice to feel like I can relate more closely to someone else again instead of feeling more and more like an outsider.

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