Saturday, March 9, 2013


I had a bit of a meltdown last night when Hubs and I crawled into bed. (I knew the positivity couldn't last!) It wasn't a TOTAL breakdown or anything, but I definitely started crying for no reason and blubbering to him about how "my hormones are all out of control and I go from being so happy one minute to miserable the next for NO reason and I'm fat but I can't make myself exercise or eat right and you keep bringing bad food into the house so I keep eating it and I'm so tired of TTC with nothing happening and I need new hobbies to get my mind off of TTC and I hate that we just watch TV every night and blah blah blah."  Ugh, poor Hubby.
He was AWESOME about it all though and let me just talk everything out and cry and he just hugged me, told me he loved me, and reassured me that it's not my fault and we just need to regulate my hormones and things will get better. I love him.

That obviously helped me feel better but I still don't feel "normal" today (I haven't felt normal for the better part of 10 months now) but I'm fighting the bad feelings minute by minute, hour by hour, like I always do now.  
Irony: I've always hated Eeyore
Depression is a funny thing - the analogy of the omnipresent black cloud following you really does seem accurate (only mine's more of a light to mid grey-colored cloud). My cloud is often at a safe distance but it's always there lurking in the background, weighing on me and following me around threatening to come closer. When it comes too close, it doesn't matter that I have a wonderful life and am blessed in numerous ways - it starts to envelop me and I end up walking around in a dull haze, either unfeeling or feeling TOO much and those are the worst days. It's a very hard thing to accurately describe or really even talk about. It's changed me.

While talking things out last night, I came up with the following actions that I think will help me (I like lists):
  1. Join a gym again.  I need to exercise to get healthy and get the endorphins going which should hopefully give me a mood lift.  I used to love exercise and lately I avoid it like the plague.
  2. Eat better. I need to lose weight. Supposedly, even a 10 lb weight loss could make me O naturally. One focus will be on cutting out most sugar & white flour.
  3. Try to focus less on TTC.  Overall I've been keeping my distance from The Bump and will continue to do so because I find that it doesn't help me - it just makes me focus on it more.
  4. Blog when I need to.  Writing really does help me feel better even if it makes for super depressing posts like this one (sorry about that).
  5. Get a new hobby where I see & interact with people. This one's tough for me because I am not interested in much. Maybe I should look into volunteer opportunities in the area.  I work from home the majority of the time so I am alone a lot, and hubby and I don't really DO all that much (mostly due to his back pain) so I need to see more people and get out more.
  6. And finally:

I mostly attribute the depressive feelings to my PCOS and I think that regulating my hormones (maybe with Metformin?) will probably make the biggest difference so I'm really looking forward to my RE appt this Thursday. However, I think I'm also highly affected by the seasons  ( how appropriate that the acronym for Seasonal Affective Disorder is "SAD") so it's like a perfect storm for me right now.  I do know that things will get better so I'm just taking it day by day/hour by hour.  This morning, I have been focusing on the fact that it is sunny out, I have my first acupuncture appt in an hour (it was rescheduled from yesterday due to the unexpected FOOT of snow - way-to-go, Meteorologists), and I have a plan!

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