Today was the nail in the coffin on this cycle - it's CD17 and I went in this AM for another follicle scan. Nada. No growth, no response. No more Clomid for me.
My assumption had been that we'd just swap out Clomid for Femara and see what happens (so I figured it would be Femara/Letrozole + trigger + TI) but the nurse told me that my doctor does not like prescribing Letrozole. Uhhh, why? She was totally elusive about it which was sort of annoying but I gathered it's something about former studies that had been done showing a link between Letrozole & breast cancer. I asked her what my options are if he doesn't want to prescribe Letrozole/Femara and she said that it's possible he could suggest injects (Gonal-F) but in the past with other women in this position, he's also suggested going straight to IVF. WHAT?! I am not mentally prepared for thinking about IVF. I've been feeling like we are still in the beginning stages of IF treatment and IVF always felt sooooo far away!
Warning, heavy part of post:
I honestly never truly thought I'd be in this position. I know other women who have gone through this but I never really thought I'd be one of them. I gave lip-service to comments like "oh, it could be any one of us", etc. etc. but in my heart and unconscious mind I guess I always just thought that even if it took a little more time, in the end it would all work out okay for me. Today I realized that may not be the case. Today was the first day it really hit me that it's actually possible I may never be able to conceive a child, grow it within my body, carry it to term, give birth, and hold MY baby - my own flesh and blood- in my arms. That is an unbelievably shitty realization.
Until now I'd had a hard time giving myself the infertility label. Today I know it's true.
When life gives you lemons...sometimes you just have to eat the damn lemons.