Monday, August 5, 2013

Time for a new plan.

I don't know what the plan will be yet but I'll find out on Thursday morning at my consult with the RE.  

Today was the nail in the coffin on this cycle - it's CD17 and I went in this AM for another follicle scan. Nada.  No growth, no response.  No more Clomid for me.

My assumption had been that we'd just swap out Clomid for Femara and see what happens (so I figured it would be Femara/Letrozole + trigger + TI) but the nurse told me that my doctor does not like prescribing Letrozole. Uhhh, why?  She was totally elusive about it which was sort of annoying but I gathered it's something about former studies that had been done showing a link between Letrozole & breast cancer.  I asked her what my options are if he doesn't want to prescribe Letrozole/Femara and she said that it's possible he could suggest injects (Gonal-F) but in the past with other women in this position, he's also suggested going straight to IVF.  WHAT?!  I am not mentally prepared for thinking about IVF.  I've been feeling like we are still in the beginning stages of IF treatment and IVF always felt sooooo far away!

Warning, heavy part of post:
I honestly never truly thought I'd be in this position.  I know other women who have gone through this but I never really thought I'd be one of them.  I gave lip-service to comments like "oh, it could be any one of us", etc. etc. but in my heart and unconscious mind I guess I always just thought that even if it took a little more time, in the end it would all work out okay for me.  Today I realized that may not be the case.  Today was the first day it really hit me that it's actually possible I may never be able to conceive a child, grow it within my body, carry it to term, give birth, and hold MY baby - my own flesh and blood-  in my arms. That is an unbelievably shitty realization.

Until now I'd had a hard time giving myself the infertility label.  Today I know it's true. 

When life gives you lemons...sometimes you just have to eat the damn lemons.


  1. I'm sorry lady. I hope your next appointment sheds some light on where you can go moving forward.

  2. Oh, Chickin... I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I totally, completely, 100% can relate to most of what you said above. Sometimes you do have to eat the lemons. And they're sour and bitter. But just because you don't like them doesn't mean that's the end of it. There's something else in store for you, those lemons are just the (sucky) appetizer. ((hugs))

  3. I am so sorry this cycle is a bust. I am surprised your doctor jumped right to IVF from oral meds, usually they like to at least try injects first to see how you will respond.

    1. That's what I thought too - I was really surprised! I asked the nurse about injects and she said that with my severity of PCOS, it would be likely that I'd hyper-stimulate with injects so she didn't think the Dr would suggest that. However, she did leave the door open to that and said I should talk to the Dr. Thursday can't come soon enough! I'm very interested to hear what the RE will say.

  4. PS: I just want to say thank you to every one of you who reads this crap and comments on it. I know it's not fun and I appreciate the support more than you know. THANK YOU.

  5. Aw, Chickin, I got a little teary reading your post. I'm so sorry this cycle is a bust, and I'm sorry that you're dealing with IF. I am rooting for you and I really hope that your next RE appointment can help shed some light on what the next steps should be. Sending lots of interwebz hugs your way, lady! <3