I feel like I could just break apart at any moment. I hate feeling like this. It's not me. I've always prided myself on being strong, confident and independent. Now I feel weak and needy, unsure and apprehensive. I'm afraid to move forward and I'm afraid to stand still. I am not in a good place right now.
On Sunday night I had a meltdown that came out of nowhere. I had been
catching up on TTGP before bed and I got sucked into a thread perpetuated by some
stupid troll who was admittedly just trying to rile people up. I'm pissed at myself
that even though I knew it I still let her get to me. The comment that did it was something to the effect of: "At least I already have a child while some of you are trying desperately just to have one." Obviously this person is a complete piece of shit for saying that and maybe karma will bite her ass someday but I think it was the word "desperate" in that sentence that did it. She's right. I am trying desperately to have a child. She has no idea just how desperate I truly feel and I loathe the fact that she has the ability to just throw that word out there in such a cavalier way since she has never had to struggle like this. The fact that this awful person is able to be blissfully ignorant of the mental anguish we deal with every minute of every day when struggling with infertility just made me feel incredibly sad.
After reading that (and giving her a great big "GFY" of course) I went upstairs to get ready for bed. DH could tell immediately that I was upset so he sat down to talk with me. I don't even remember what I said. I just remember talking and him listening and being supportive and hugging me. We cuddled and went to bed. The meltdown came in the middle of the night. I have been having a hard time sleeping lately because I'll wake up to roll over and all at once my thoughts and anxieties come rushing in and I can't get back to sleep. I lay there awake and upset with my head a jumbled mess and around 4:30ish, will eventually drift off into a fitful half-sleep until the alarm goes off. It blows. That night, DH must have been on high alert because I didn't think I even made a sound but he woke up almost immediately and asked me what was wrong. He was so sweet that I just started bawling.
I feel guilty that I'm not being a partner to my husband right now. Instead, I feel like he's taking care of me and that's not fair to him. I've been leaning on him so much lately. He has blown me away with his support and understanding and is truly my rock but I'm disappointed in myself for being so needy. He left for San Francisco today for work and won't be home until late Friday night.
I'm legit afraid that I will be slobbery crying mess all week without having him
here to talk to. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.
This is all so much harder than I thought it would be. IF is changing me. I
feel like all my energy goes into putting up an acceptable facade so
the outside world thinks everything's okay while I'm left feeling like
an empty shell of my former self. Lately I struggle to even find words for how I feel and my head is like a jumbled mess.
As my wise friend Jaytee put on her blog that I stalk like crazy:
I'm not okay right now. I'm admitting it.
think I should talk to a therapist. I have never done that before but I
think maybe it could help me at least straighten out my thoughts and possibly get some new perspective. I also think I should take a Bump-cation to help keep TTC from taking over my life. I spend way too much time thinking about it and TB contributes to that. I need to find more of a balance.
Because of this I may be around less lately but I do plan to keep blogging since I think it helps keep me (sort-of) sane :-)