Friday, July 19, 2013

Being Positive vs. Realistic about IF

Hubby is so positive about all of this that it really annoys me sometimes.   (Okay, most of the time.)

I get why he's doing it, and we talked about it:  He feels like it's his job to be the cheerleader. I'm the one taking all the meds, dealing with s/e, going to appts, getting u/s, getting b/w... so his job is to make a "deposit" when he needs to and to be the positive one when I can't be.

It's sweet of him to feel this way since he's doing this to support me.  He's a good husband. Maybe I'm just being a bitch. I think his positivity annoys me because I feel like it's unrealistic and if there's one thing I'm sick of, it's false hope.

Common convo in our house:

Me: No response again this cycle honey. I'm not gonna ovulate so I need to take more Provera to start a new cycle  :-(
Him: Sorry chicken. But that's okay - next cycle will be it!
Me: We'll see.
Him: It WILL be.
...Pause while I try not to overreact due to crazy-making meds...
Me: You don't know that.
Him: Sure I do!
Me: NO, you don't.
Him: Babe, it's gonna happen for us. Eventually something is gonna work.
Me: You don't KNOW that!  We can hope but we can't know for sure.

And round and round we go.

Maybe I'm too negative, I don't know.  I get why he's trying to be positive but I don't always need the positivity! Sometimes I just need to feel like he truly understands what we're going through and what our chances of conceiving actually are so that I feel like I have a partner in this and not just someone placating me. Maybe that's exactly what I should say to him the next time this comes up.

At the same time, I don't want to bring him down. I recognize that IF is a problem for him too - my body not working properly is keeping HIM from having a baby too. He has his own feelings to deal with in addition to trying to figure out how to handle me during this emotional rollercoaster. If the positivity is helping him get through it all maybe a better plan is for me to just keep my mouth shut and let him be positive. Maybe I'm being selfish here.

Anyone else go through something similar?  Any words of wisdom or perspective you could share?


  1. I totally get what you are saying. Your husband wants to "fix" things by saying it will happen next time, whereas you really just want to commiserate with him.

    My husband did the same thing with IF and does something similar with work problems. I tell him about a coworker being witchy and he says "you should do x,y,z to fix this" when I really want him to say "yeah she sure is a witch, I'm sorry"

  2. We go through the same thing. H is very positive and more on the 'it'll happen when it's supposed to' train. Me.. Not so much. It should have happened by now. And it hasn't. I have had my share of depression like episodes where I just get so down about it that I don't think it's going to happen.

    Most of the time what makes me feel better is doing something for myself. Mostly getting a pedicure. Even if it's a temporary fix to the feeling, it's better than nothing.

    (((hugs))) Sorry you're feeling down lately.

  3. I totally understand. I feel like we had quite a few similar conversations, & I totally get what you're saying about needing someone to be there with you in it, not just trying to "cheer you up". I think the further we got in the process & the more I explained things to my DH he started to be a lot more realistic, although he was always more positive than me.

    I remember one conversation we had where he told me needed to stop expecting the worst, & that he still wanted to be excited about trying. While that was really hard for me to swallow at the time, I think it was something I needed to hear too. We ended up kinda meeting in the middle - he did get more realistic & didn't act like actual setbacks were no big deal (which I needed), & I became more positive & more hopeful about the whole thing, which I think he needed too.

    If I were you, next time you have one of these discussions, just let him know you're feeling discouraged & you just need to him to really "acknowledge" what you're feeling & say "yeah that sucks", instead of trying to cheer you up. You can always tell him you appreciate his positivity, but when a cycle legitly isn't working, you need him to acknowledge that reality & be there with you in it so you can process your feelings together.

  4. I hear you, chickin. I think H tries to go so far the other way (read: positive) because he feels the need to balance me out a little. But sometimes I just want someone to commiserate with, not a cheerleader telling me it will all work out. I hope you and YH can talk about this and like, crazychicken said, perhaps you can meet somewhere in the middle. (((Hugs)))

  5. Thanks for the insight ladies. Chicken -I think meeting in the middle is definitely what I'm hoping for too.