Wednesday, July 3, 2013

A tiny piece of me has died inside.

I realize I'm being a tad overly dramatic but in a way that's kind of how I feel...

Hubs and I finished the spare room last night.  We've lived in this house for 2.5 years and that room was always going to be the baby's room.  We knew when we moved in that it wasn't going to be long before we started TTC so we never really did much in that room, just stored a bunch of extra stuff in there and waited for the happy day we could turn it into a nursery.  Unfortunately, that day is taking way longer than it should and I've gotten fed up with the room looking like crap so we redid it into a bona fide guest room. It now looks beautiful and that makes me sad. 

Does moving on with my life mean that I'm slowly starting to give up hope? We've put a lot on hold because we thought I'd be pregnant last summer...and then in the fall...then winter...then spring...then THIS summer... When do you just say fuck it and continue to live your life without the thought of (hopefully) impending pregnancy factoring in? I'm beginning to think I've made a mistake by not doing that these past couple years.  


On a different note, my hot flashes from the Clomid have been out of control lately. It's to the point where, if it was socially-appropriate to strip in public, I would do it without a second thought.  I'll be in at Target looking at shampoo or sitting in a meeting at work and all of a sudden I'll just turn bright red and start sweating profusely ALL over my body (seriously - sweat starts beading on my calves and forearms and shit).  Surely that's not normal.  I'm seriously considering bringing a change of clothes with me everywhere I go lately.
"I am serious... and don't call me Shirley."

(See what I did there?  Yeah, that's right - nailed it. Leslie Nielsen would be proud.)


  1. I totally hear you. I stare at our guest room longingly, imagining it as a nursery. No, sorry, I USED to do that. In the early months I used to imagine, "If this is the month, then I'll have a baby by DATE". I stopped doing that, it got depressing to have all of these 'deadlines' come and go. Now, I try to live our lives, plan our vacations - I can't stop living, then TTC will have overtaken my life completely, and that can't be good. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I don't think that moving on with things has to mean you're giving up hope, it just means you're trying not to make TTC your be all and end all. Don't let yourself have regrets about not doing things now, just go for it and deal with the rest as it comes. It doesn't mean you're giving up, there's just a buttload of waiting involved in TTC, may as well fill up that time with stuff that makes you happy, make some memories :)

  2. I can relate. I don't think it means giving up at all. It's more like taking back some control. This process is such a mindgame and there's so much of it that we can't control. As jaytee said above, if you let it, this process can consume you. When all the things that you've put on hold/changed/sacrificed start to make you sad, it's time to go back to things that make you happy instead. Control what you can and the rest will sort itself out when the time comes.

  3. Thanks for the perspective, ladies. That really helps. I do think I've been letting it consume me since I am ALWAYS waiting. Because I have never seen a 2WW I have never been able to just rest and know that I've done everything I can in that particular cycle so my life for more than a year has been filled with analyzing and anxiousness. I agree that I need to get back to things that make me happy. I needed to hear that. Thanks. <3

  4. big hugs to you, dear. This journey sucks. But moving forward is all we can do. Hang in there, take it one step at a time, and you'll get there!!