Saturday, June 28, 2014

I'm Losing It

During a serious conversation with Hubs last night I heard myself telling him that I wasn't sure anymore if I even wanted to have children.

I don't know what's gotten into me. I don't know if that's even true or not.

I never used to question it. From the moment I was old enough to realize I was a girl and "girls grow up to be mommies" I knew I wanted children. Whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I told then I wanted to be a mom. (Although Broadway Star was a close second.)

For as long as I can remember I've had a vision of what my future would hold and it always centered around kids. Happy, healthy kids who would be outside playing in the yard while I stood at my (always lovely, always granite-topped) kitchen counter fixing them snacks. That vision never included infertility and it certainly never included deformities and abortion and grief. Now it does. Now it also includes uncertainty and fear.

It's hard for me to admit that since our loss I sometimes question myself now. I question whether I am meant to be a mother. Maybe the path I've led is now meant to just be a story, a cautionary tale of sorts for other women who will stumble across this blog and read about all these sad things that happened to some person who calls herself Chickin.  Maybe everything I've been through has happened because I'm spending all my time and energy chasing something that is just not meant to be.  
Maybe I'm losing my mind.

I think I said that to my husband last night because after assuming for so many years that my dream of a future would someday come true, things feel like they are so off-kilter now that it's enabling me to picture other futures for us for the first time. Futures that include selling our big house in the suburbs and moving into a small condo in the city; traveling multiple times a year and buying a boat to dock at our future lake house; moving across the country or even to an entirely new country... It scares me that I can now so easily picture these things when less than a year ago I had not a shred of doubt in my mind that there was ONE future in store for us, and that we would make it happen however we needed to. I was so impatient then and each month that ticked by felt like an eternity and made it that much more critical for the next thing to WORK. Now, time is barely a factor.  I feel no sense of urgency anymore. I feel no sure path anymore. How quickly things change.

Last night as we were wrapping up our convo I found myself beginning to tell Hubs that he shouldn't worry, that he shouldn't think that I no longer want children. I had wanted to set his mind at ease but I had to stop. I couldn't do it. I couldn't say the words because I'm not sure what's true anymore. I don't know how I feel.

But then I'll see a baby and break out in tears because I'm so sad that s/he's not our child and that our arms are still empty and I remind myself to be patient and have faith. So apparently that longing is still there inside me.  I still wish and hope and pray... I just am no longer certain of what it is I'm praying for.


11 comments:

  1. You are not losing it. I've said the same thing millions of times - with my boys still in my arms, when they took my boys away, and I think a few weeks ago even. I feel like you - I just always imagined myself with kids and I knew in my heart that was what I wanted but after our huge loss I found myself saying "no more." What price was I willing to pay to have living children? More losses? But the want eventually outweighed the fear. Oh Chickin what you are feeling is so normal. I don't think anyone loses a baby and then jumps into the deep end of TTC without some sort of resignation. Even now, I sometimes wonder what the hell I just got myself into. I'm pretty awful with advice, so I'll just leave you with this: leave your heart open. I have no doubt that you will figure out what path is right for you.

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    1. I think that is GREAT advice. Thank you :-) Wish I could give you a hug <3

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  2. I know it's not the same but I understand your feelings to the point. I have two older children. But then my daughter died and I'm unable to have more. Ending on a loss is painful but then all my friends are going on and having other babies. And I'm happy for them. I really am but I feel this this.... ache of jealousy and hurt. I want to cry sometimes but it's not because I'm not happy for them, but it's because I feel so aching and empty still 7 years later. I know I'm new to your blog and I hope I've not upset you or hurt you worse but what you are feeling? Is totally normal

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    1. No, of course not. Thank you for commenting. It always helps to know people can identify, even if it's only in a small way. I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. ((Hugs))

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  3. Chickin, I cannot tell you how much I wish I could hug you right now. It breaks my heart that you are going through this. What I can say is that I think you are are an amazing woman and an amazing Mother. I'm not sure what the future will bring for you and I don't think that you should feel the need to push yourself into making a decision right now. I think it's natural to question yourself. Whatever happens, I hope that you find all the happiness and love that you deserve. No matter what, I'm here for you if you ever need anything. <3

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  4. Huge hugs. I can't even imagine what you are going through but I have had a similar discussion with my H- about reinventing who I am if we can't have children. Being a mother is how I see my future self and because I want that so badly, I would have to live a completely different life if I couldn't have it. Sometimes it's easier to choose that path before it gets chosen for you. And sometimes the experiences we go through change us right down to our core. I really wish I could say something more comforting- I'll just give you more hugs. ((hugs))

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    1. Thank you dear. And thank you for posting that amazing quote on your blog today. That is so PERFECT.

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  5. I absolutely think that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. All of it. As I was reading your post, I was thinking, well of course she feels that way - I would too. I'm sorry you have to go through all this doubt and confusion and just want to send you love, hugs, support and reassurance. ((hugs))

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  6. <3 sending you love, always. Krystal's advice is perfect: keep an open heart and you'll find the way. I'm so sorry it has to be so painful and confusing. You deserve nothing but the best!

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  7. Chickin I wish more than anything I could give you a huge hug right now. I am so sorry this is all so difficult and painful. I can't begin to imagine what you have been, and are, going through. You have to do what feels right for you, and that may change from one day to the next right now, don't force yourself to make a decision or feel a certain way, just allow yourself to work through it, take the time you need. I am always here for you and I am always keeping you and Petey in my heart and in my prayers. Love you <3

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