I haven't been around much for two reasons:
1. Work has been CRAZY lately. Long story short: I do government funded work and our contract is up in a couple months so we have to write a proposal to recompete in order to get more funding so that we can all continue to have jobs. IT.IS.MADNESS. I have never experienced anything quite like this before and I'm working pretty much around the clock (including weekends) except for the handful of hours that I'm sleeping. It's possible I may drop dead soon from utter exhaustion.
2. I've been finding my "new normal" in this life-after-loss. In many ways, my life is exactly the same as it was but in other ways, I am drastically different now. The truth is that I am not the same person I was and I will never be that person again. But I'm finding that much of the good parts of me are slowly restoring themselves and for that I am thankful. I felt like an empty shell after losing Petey but I've slowing started to fill that void back up again with...what? I guess just LIFE, really. Love, happiness, knowledge, experience, strength, gratitude, hope, people, plans.
I seem to have reached a sort of 'plateau of grief' that works for me most days. I am okay. I have moments of happiness. I have moments of sadness. But mostly I am okay. I do better when I don't think or analyze too much and just try to remain positive. After all:
So in the spirit of trying to focus on thinking positively, introducing.......
[Kind of like my own little twisted version of a gratitude journal]
Friday used to be the day of the week I'd usually do my pregnancy update post so now I'm thinking that it might be a good day to focus on some happy stuff that has happened/will be happening and random positive things in my life that are helping me fill up this void within me.
So, here we go!
- I have Zumba tomorrow morning!
- It's going to be a beautiful, sunny weekend here. I plan to spend some quality time tomorrow relaxing in my backyard, swimming/floating in the pool and laying in the sun reading a book.
- Hubs and I are going to see Cirque du Soleil (Amaluna) in Boston on Sunday! I've been looking forward to this for months.
- While walking through the office with a coworker earlier this week, I ran into a woman who I haven't seen in a long time and she asked me how the baby was doing. I was able to tell her what happened without crying or losing my shit. As my coworker and I walked away it was quiet for a moment and then she said "Well that sucked." And we both had a good laugh. I consider that a win.
- While working from home today, I happened to look out the window just as two little furry brown bunnies were hopping through the yard!
- My purple irises, orange azaleas and pink clematis have popped and the roses are budding! I do love this time of year.
I guess that's all for this week. We'll see how long this lasts ;-)