I don't know how I feel.
I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know how to tell if I'm ready. I don't know if I'll ever truly feel ready.
I knew this was coming. I didn't really expect it on a random Monday evening while I was standing in the kitchen arranging a vase of flowers from the garden but I knew it was coming. I think I hoped it would come later though. Like in a month or maybe two or maybe a year. Or maybe never.
I feel so different about TTC now. I still want to have a baby. I still picture us as a happy little family with kids playing in the backyard, bikes laying on the driveway, and toys strewn about. I still want that to be our future, I just don't know at what point in time this daydream of mine takes place. Is it the immediate future? Is it 5 years down the road? 7? I'm 32, I'm not getting any younger. If I got pregnant today I wouldn't even have my first child in my arms until I'm 33. And I want a brood! I've always wanted 3 or 4 of them. If this daydream has any hope of becoming a reality I better get moving. Time is starting to run out.
Hubs asked me what I felt like I was waiting for. He was sensitive about it, don't get me wrong, but direct. And I couldn't answer him because I don't know. I think I'm just afraid. Some bumpie who is TTCAL said you'll know you're ready when the excitement (of trying again) outweighs the fear. I don't feel excitement, I feel tired. I feel dread and fear. I know what it's like to be pregnant now. Besides the amazing fact that you're growing a human inside of you, being pregnant SUCKS. It's really hard on your body and your emotions. Am I ready for that again? Am I ready for any of this again? All the dr. appts and the bloodwork and medications and dildo cams and getting up at the ass crack of dawn to drive 1.5 hrs to the office. All the doctors and all the disappointments. I hated that part of my life. Although I never would have chosen the path we've had to lead, it was sort of nice to have a break from all of that and just live for a bit. Am I ready to put myself in a position that could lead right back to unbelievable heartbreak again??
But there's that pesky time thing... and the fact that Hubs
So now I'm sitting here with my heart in my throat staring at my RE's business card. The one that I tucked away happily at the beginning of the year, thinking and hoping I wouldn't have to dig out again until well into 2015 when we were ready for a FET for our second child. (And if I'm being honest, the one I hoped I'd never have to dig it out again because in my dreams, my body magically fixes itself after having Petey and I never have to go through the pain of IF again!! Right.)
But I think today I don't feel ready to make that call. I think I'll just tuck it away again for at least one more day. Or one more week. Or one more month...
I wish I could close my eyes and fast forward to my happy future.