Meh, no more acupuncture

So, I stopped going to acupuncture about 3 weeks(?) ago.  I didn't really like it, I was just trying to convince myself that I did because I was hoping it would help.  "Oh it's so relaxing"...mmm, no.  It really is just getting one to two dozen needles stuck in you (some of them do hurt) and then you lay there for about 45 mins to an hour trying to relax and not move at all and ignore the fact that you are itchy all over your body but can't scratch anything. 

The nail in the coffin for me was just as I was starting to get a cold since, in community acupuncture [see this old blog post if you want more detail], if you have any kind of little tickle in your throat it is sort of like a mild form of torture since there is NOTHING you can do about it. You can't sit up to get a good cough out, and you try like hell to just keep swallowing and trying to ignore it so you don't disturb people by coughing or clearing your throat.  The last time I went I had a coughing fit which was complete TORTURE. I kept trying not to cough but realized there was no way around it so I tried to do it as quietly as possible with my mouth closed. It didn't work.  I started sweating, could feel my face getting bright red, and was worried my head was going to explode. Once I realized whatever I was doing wasn't going to cut it and I had to actually COUGH, I couldn't even bring my hand up to cover my mouth and had to just lay there like I had invisible straps on and just cough into the air with my mouth open. Gross. When that didn't even work I began to panic internally and got concerned that I was going to start thrashing about against my will. Thankfully, the acupuncturist came back into the room right then, made a beeline for me and mercifully popped a cough drop into my mouth. Sweet relief (even though it was icky menthol).  I haven't been back since.

 

"Oh, this feels so fabulous" - Bullshit.

I was never truly convinced it wasn't a bunch of BS anyway so I'm not too upset I haven't gone back. I think I'll try my luck with Clomid (proven results!) and see what happens. 

RE appt this Thursday!  I should be getting more Provera to start a new cycle (currently on CD50) and then likely the first round of Clomid.  Wish me luck!

Can We All Agree?: Hemsworth Edition

For fun on TB this morning, someone asked who everyone's 5 'freebie' celebrities are.  I am totally lame because I'd never really thought about it. However, it took me about a fraction of a second for Mr. Chris Hemsworth to pop into my mind and then like any red-blooded woman I immediately googled him and found a ton of super hot pictures of him and his brother.

Can we all agree that Chris & Liam Hemsworth are the hottest brothers alive? I wish I lived next door to them growing up...

Yowza! Hello!

I recently watched Snow White and the Huntsman which gave me lovely dreams that night of Chris H :-)  For that reason, I believe I now need to watch Thor (it certainly wouldn't be for the plot). 

In my mind, Chris has the slight edge over Liam, not just in the looks category but also because Liam's engaged to Miley Cyrus so he is obviously a moron. How unfortunate.  
That certainly wouldn't stop me from a Hemsworth sandwich though...(salami sandwich?  HAHA!)

I think my hubby needs to come home so I can jump him now.

CD43 Update (aka: Bitchfest)

I feel like I should post an update but honestly, there's not much news.

It's CD43. I have not ovulated. I am not surprised.

I haven't lost any additional weight since my first week on Metformin which was more than a month ago (and it's certainly not for lack of trying).  My next appt with the RE is next Thursday and I know he will scold me for not losing weight so obviously I am really looking forward to it. Since that day will be CD52, I assume the dr. will give me Provera and then we will be starting the first round of Clomid on the next cycle.

Honestly, I'm just kind of in a bad place right now with TTC.  I don't feel optimistic or hopeful, I just feel tired and disappointed.  I feel like the past year (technically, 11 mos) has been a total waste of time. I'm just so sick of it all right now. I rarely check The Bump anymore. I'm not blogging as much. I don't want to talk to anyone about it - I don't even want to SEE anyone in case they ask me about it!  One of my coworkers to whom I mentioned our trouble TTC asks me EVERY SINGLE TIME I see her how it's going. I guess it's nice that she cares but I don't want to be reminded about it all the time while at work!

I'm also consciously staying away from Facebook because I am starting to get seriously upset seeing all the baby pictures. (I realize that is not a good thing.) I counted yesterday and I have 14 friends with babies under 18 mos. old - 9 born while we've been TTC. That's almost 1 every month! If I spend much more than a few minutes on FB with the constant barrage of BABY BABY BABY, the jealousy and sadness just kind of overwhelms me. Some days I can't stand to be on it at all.  

I've also found that I've started getting legitimately angry (not just annoyed but actually angry) when posters on TB complain that "it's CD20 and I'm still waiting to O!" or "It's been 3 mos and I'm not preggers yet!". Cry me a fucking river ladies. I realize anger is not a normal or healthy reaction so I've been keeping my distance until I can get my issues under control.  I've been thinking about intro-ing on the T-TTC board since I'm having a hard time identifying with most of the posters on the TTGP board now (whenever I ask a question no one has any input since most of them are new) and feel I'd probably fit better on 3T now.  I haven't intro'd though for 2 reasons: 1) I haven't been TTC for a full year yet, and 2) my interest with TB ebbs and flows and I'd hate to intro and then disappear for a while and not be an active poster and support-giver.   I'm thinking that once I actually start clomid I may go ahead and join that board though. I could probably use some support from people who can identify with what I'm going through.

After writing all this, it sure seems like the depression is back.  I think I'll just hang out with my buddy here and hope the feelings pass soon.

A sad time for Boston

It's taken me a little while to feel ready to write a post about the terrible bombing in Boston yesterday at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. Though my husband and I live in New Hampshire now, Boston is and will always be our home. He grew up there and still works in the city, and I grew up nearby, used to live right outside the city, and now work just about 10 miles away. We have many many family and friends in Boston and a large amount of them were at the Marathon yesterday; running, volunteering, or simply cheering on the runners and experiencing the beautiful holiday. Hell, we've both been there volunteering or cheering more times than I can count! We were not there yesterday though and thankfully, I believe we have now heard from everyone and they are all safe.  Yesterday was an extremely scary and sad day for us, our friends, our family and our city.

This was taken at Mile 26 of the 2012 Boston Marathon. Pretty poignant now.

The fact that these bombs hit at the four-hour mark is just heart-wrenching since that is the time when the floods of "regular" runners are finishing - they are the regular people that have put their lives on hold to raise funds and train so they can run for a cause that is important to them, something that has touched their lives.  That last 1/2 mile should be a time of overwhelming pride in reaching their goal and overcoming obstacles, of hearing the roar of the crowd cheering them on to the finish line so they can revel in their huge accomplishment.  The runners' families and friends are crowding the sidelines of the finish line at that time, cheering with excitement and ready to celebrate together.  While NO ONE should be injured or killed at an event like this, the fact that this attack targeted the regular good-hearted people makes this even more difficult to comprehend.

Not only is this a loss in the physical sense for the innocent victims and their families, but also because Marathon Monday/Patriots Day in this area is probably the most joyous day of the year and it will now forever be tarnished.  Those not from the Boston-area likely can't understand what exactly this holiday is like for the city: It's a day that marks the start of spring and sunshine and warmer weather, where it's not only acceptable but expected that everyone will play hooky from work, go into the city, meet up with friends, smile at strangers, cheer on runners, watch the Red Sox game, flood the pubs & restaurants, and just have a fantastic and relaxing freebie day. In the midst of so much self-absorption that is rampant in any city, it is a day when Bostonians feel a sense of camaraderie and pride to be part of such a wonderful city and such a revered international event. As a friend of a friend wrote on his Facebook wall of his experience running in the Boston Marathon:

"An entire city lines the streets in support. Normally stoic police officers smile and offer words of encouragement. Friends and family track your progress and make a day of hustling around to different points on the course to see you for all of 10 wonderful seconds. Complete strangers, young and old, shout words of encouragement, offer you high fives, orange slices, Red Sox score updates, bananas, free beer, kisses, and even marriage proposals. From a runner's perspective, the Boston Marathon is a 26.2 mile celebration of the human capacity for kindness."

It's a day of happiness, pride, and accomplishment, not a day to be affiliated with fear, chaos,  sadness, and death. 

My heart goes out to all those directly affected by the bombing. I am sad for them and for all Bostonians. I have no doubt however, that the city will pull together and come out strong. There's a reason why Boston sports fans are fiercely loyal to and supportive of our teams (aka: seen as completely obnoxious by our opponents): we love and believe in our city and evil, cowardly acts such as these won't break the city's spirit.

Thank goodness for the first responders, EMTs, medics, police, and civilian volunteers who did whatever they could to save lives yesterday. They are true heroes, as were the runners who kept on running straight to the hospitals to give blood once they heard what happened. In the face of evil, there is always good to be found.

Boston's Finest. True heroes.

Here's how I know I'm old now:

I am SO EXCITED about the patio furniture we bought this weekend!!  I am more excited about this than anything else I can remember since our wedding. I realize that sounds kind of pitiful but hear me out: Hubby and I spend pretty much every single day outside from May to Sept. All  summer long we entertain with BBQs and pool parties, and we both 
work from home a few days a week so on weekdays we'll grab our laptops and work pool-side as long as it's not raining.   I won't lie - spending this much money in one fell swoop was pretty painful. This is the most expensive purchase we've ever made (besides the wedding & house of course) so that's a little tough to swallow, but it will be SO worth it!

Wow, I've realized I really am old now. A full-blown adult.  5/7 years ago I couldn't really have even imagined myself caring about this crap but now this is like, a big exciting thing and I can't wait for it to be delivered in a few weeks! I guess I need to just embrace the fact that I'm firmly in my 30s now and this is what happens when you grow up!  I truly do love my life and am so thankful for all we have been blessed with. All we need now is a family of our own to share it all with!

Speaking of creating a family;

Today is CD34 and I had a big temp spike this morning. It makes no sense since I had no other fertility signs the last couple days so I have no clue if it means anything or not. This whole process is so frustrating that I've really just stopped focusing on it for now. I'm still temping & peeing on sticks but just not thinking about things as much. I'm still feeling good mentally which is wonderful, and I think I'm doing all I can do for now until I see the RE again in a couple weeks. Until then, I'm trying not to dwell on it.

Nevermind the sleet yesterday...

I am getting super duper (yes, I'm a 5 yr old) excited for summer! July 4th to be precise!  

Hubby and I just started planning our big Fourth of July party (well, technically 6th of July since that's the Saturday this year) and I can't friggin wait!  

Three years ago when we first moved into our house, we threw a huge Housewarming Party the weekend of the 4th which was a ton of fun and has now sort of become an annual tradition.  We made our guest list last night and this year the list is larger than the guest list for our wedding was! (We MAY or may not be getting slightly out of control with it. In a good way. Hopefully the cops agree.)

I ordered cute invitations off of Etsy the other day and worded them to emphasize the most important parts of our party:  food, full bar, DJ, games, swimming, aaaaaaand... a drunken jousting tournament!  We totally already reserved an Inflatable Gladiator Jousting Ring like the one in the picture :-)
Plus, I live in New Hampshire where fireworks are legal! (/insert evil laugh here/) This is a big deal to me because they're illegal in every other state I've ever lived in (and yes, I've gotten in a little trouble before -  I like fireworks).

We're also getting smart this year and hiring someone to grill all day since the last 2 yrs Hubby has been doing it himself and hasn't really been able to enjoy the party as much as he should.

We also already reserved the canopy, tables, chairs and port-a-potties (klassy!), and I can't wait to go shopping for stuff to make decorations, etc.

Don't worry - I DO realize it's April and we got sleet yesterday so we're a little crazy to be already thinking about this, but we are just super excited and love planning and throwing parties! 

YAY SUMMER!

Today Hubs and I are going shopping for new outdoor patio furniture. We want big comfy loungey stuff for around the pool and then also a nice new outdoor dining table with 8 chairs to replace our current crappy one.  The jury's still out on whether or not we are going to replace our former big glass-top bar with chairs that Hurricane Sandy decided to smash all over the yard last Fall. (I spent 4 HOURS vacuuming the lawn with the Shop-Vac and I STILL find pieces of that damn bar out there!  We will not be buying anything with a glass top again.)

Today is going to be an expensive day. Goodbye tax return, I hardly knew ye.

Feeling better!

My back is decent, I'm off the meds, and my cold is almost gone! Yahoo!  
I'm still sleeping in the guest room though since every night around 12:30 I still wake up in a coughing fit and then proceed to aggressively clear my throat repeatedly in order to keep from choking on my own mucus.  Sexy. Hubby can appreciate that but still keeps asking me when I'll come back to our "marital bed", haha (like we're 18 yr old newlyweds living in 1950).  He's lonely in there.  I, however, am not. To tell you the truth, I sleep better in the guest room than in our room (likely because he is a snoring machine and blanket hog) and sort of wish we could always sleep in separate rooms. Or at least separate beds.  On opposite sides of the room. With a wall between us.  
I think my grandparents were on to something.

Note: Lucille Ball is not my grandmother

On the TTC-front:
The dotted crosshairs from FF disappeared a couple days ago as my temps went back down to normal. I think the high temps were just due to the pain/ inflammation.  

I've also noticed a serious lack of CM so far this cycle which is odd for me since I normally have EWCM here and there all throughout my cycle, baiting me into thinking I'm about to O (never the case).  I posted on The Bump's TTGP forum asking whether anyone has noticed a decrease in CM when taking Metformin and I seem to be alone in this.  I couldn't find much on google confirming this either so I don't know what is up.  Maybe the Met is actually successfully regulating my hormones and keeping the Estrogen at the level is SHOULD be, so I'm producing less CM? If so, maybe when I finally DO get some fertile CM, I will actually O this time! A girl can dream...


FOR SNAKEFISHERBUB:

Like this?  :-)

It appears this is not my lucky cycle

CD28

So remember how I said I was sort of excited for this cycle? Yeah, I'm not anymore. 

After starting this cycle with 18 days of bleeding (and a month of Metformin-induced pooping), I finally restarted the temping and OPKs but that didn't last too long since I threw my back out last week! Yahoo!  Aaaand, I also have a head cold.  I'm pretty much a pile of shit right now. 

I've been trying to continue temping but haven't been as consistent as I'd like  (seeing how I'm having a hard time just moving nevermind holding a BBT in my vag) and I'm not sure how reliable the temps are.  Overall, I have seen a pretty significant temp rise but I don't know if that's due to actually ovulating or if my temps are elevated because I'm in pain.  Regardless, it sucks either way.  If I actually O'd, that would be incredible since it would be the first O in 10 months of TTC but talk about awful timing since  I'm a cripple right now (zero chance of getting pregnant this cycle).  And if my temps are up due to the pain then this is just a massive mind f#&k. I am also on NSAIDs (umm, and Percocet) which will likely screw up my cycle further if I have not yet O'd. 

In other words, this cycle is pretty much just another waste of time.  FF gave me dotted crosshairs last Thursday so I should know in about a week whether or not that is actually true. I hope it is because that would mean A) I actually O'd! and B) I could restart a new cycle and have another chance before I see the RE again at the beginning of May.

Alright, I'm gonna go ahead and put an end to this rambling post now. As I mentioned I'm currently on pain meds and am pretty sure I'm not really making much sense tonight. This post has taken me about 45 mins to write because I keep forgetting what I'm doing. I think I'll go to bed and dream about being able to walk again someday.

CD24: The waiting game

No, not the two-week wait (let's not get crazy here!), just waiting to do something. Anything.

If my body acted like a normal person's, I would be firmly in the 2WW right now and would know sometime next week whether I was KU or whether to expect my period. However, this is my body we're talking about here and it likes to play fun games with me so at this point in my cycle there is no discernible difference between today and say, CD8.  

I finally stopped bleeding this past week though so that's a plus!  Once that fabulous new addition to my cycle ended I picked back up on charting temps (up & down per usual but still low overall) and using OPKs (all depressingly faint thus far).  I did have some crampy pain around my right ovary the past couple days which I would have previously classified as ovulation pain but since I don't O, that is highly unlikely. I now wonder if that feeling is actually cyst pain which would mean I currently have a larger one in my right ovary. That makes sense to me and would explain why I get that sort of pain quite often (and then don't O). Thank you PCOS!

Overall though, I gotta say I am feeling much better emotion-wise so far this cycle than during the last few.  I'm hoping it's because of the Metformin, acupuncture & weight loss (all 4 lbs of it, woo!), and not just because it's still early yet.  The change in season could also be having a positive effect (Hubby & I are shopping for new patio furniture this weekend!). The real test will be if I gear up to O and then don't. Last cycle I noticed that the depressive feelings were the worst a few days after that happened each time and got progressively worse with every subsequent surge.  I guess I'll just have to see how this cycle goes.

I think I'm also in a good mood because Hubby and I had a great little mini-getaway this past weekend at Foxwoods Casino/Resort in CT! We stayed at the MGM Grand, saw a show, did some gambling (I learned Craps and won some $ at Blackjack!), and had a fancy dinner at Craftsteak (Chef Tom Colicchio's restaurant for any of you die-hard Top Chef fans like myself!)

Exhibit A: Acting like a dink

ASIDE: I sort of have a little crush on Tom Colicchio. I realize he's not really all that good looking and is sometimes a total jerk to the contestants but I think that's just part of his charm, haha (I was also totally convinced that when Padma had a baby and wouldn't reveal who the father was it was because it was Tom! But nope. What a let down :-)  I think I have a crush on him in the same way you would a co-worker who you probably wouldn't really notice in day-to-day life but since you're around him so much and you get to know his personality, he starts becoming cute to you. Know what I mean?...No?  Well whatever. Maybe this is indicative of the fact that my obsession with Top Chef has gone a bit too far.

Aaaanyway, back to real life.  So yes, we had a good time. We never really go anywhere unless it's on a planned real vacation to the Carribean or something so it was nice to change it up a little.  It was also nice to make some lovin' because we wanted to, not because we felt like we had to.  I vote for more getaways and more spontaneous sexy time!