Sunday, March 30, 2014

3 days.

We've made it three whole days. That actually feels like a bit of an accomplishment.

I am doing okay.  I'd like to describe how I feel but it's like I just have no words left now that the waiting is done and it's all over. I've gotten some calls from family and friends but I don't answer. There's nothing to say.  I appreciate hearing that people are thinking of us and love us but I don't want to talk. It's too hard to talk. I have almost nothing to say and certainly nothing GOOD to say so I would just depress people. My sister has been great though and has been keeping everyone up to date on my behalf which I so appreciate.

Physically I am fine.  Friday ended up being a tough day with pain and soreness so I needed the pain meds afterall but it was mostly because it appears I ended up pulling a neck muscle at some point during the surgery or recovery. I'm ok now though. I'm still bleeding and will continue to for a while but it's nothing major. The worst of it was actually being able to feel my organs moving back into their original positions over the past couple days. My intestines shifted down and stretched back out...that was the grossest thing I have ever felt. (Aren't you glad you're reading this?) Now, the biggest issue is my breasts. They are out of control.  My milk has started to come in which is just punch-in-the-face fantastic.  I spend almost every minute of the day icing them to dissuade swelling and leakage. They are so full and heavy and painful, and are a constant reminder of what we lost (as if I need a reminder).

I miss my bump. I miss my baby and I miss my bump and I miss being pregnant.  


Last night when getting into bed, Hubs made a comment about how much thinner I was already. In the past I would have loved to hear that. Now, it just makes me cry. I don't want to be thinner, I want to be pregnant! I want to be growing and gaining weight and getting rounder and rounder. I want things to be back to the way they were 2 weeks ago but I want for the fantasy that I was carrying a healthy perfect child to have been the reality.     

Right now I should be celebrating the knowledge that Petey is either a boy or a girl, deciding on a nursery theme, shopping for strollers and searching the internet for baby tips. Instead, today we called to cancel the order for our beautiful nursery furniture, discussed what kind of tree we may want to buy in Petey's memory, and I'm searching the internet for loss support groups. Life isn't fair I guess.

The last few days made me realize just how often the fact that I was pregnant was on my mind; it was constant. I was so much more careful walking the dog amid the snow and ice, I thought about everything I put in my mouth so I was getting proper nutrition to Petey, I sat in ways to accommodate my bump, I was conscious of how much I lifted, when I needed to put my feet up, how much sleep I got...  Now it's just me.  I felt like a whole person before I got pregnant so why, now that I'm no longer pregnant, do I feel like such a huge part of me is missing? 

I started a different "blog"; one that's just for me. One that I can pour my heart and soul out into and don't have to worry about making sense or even making sentences. I'm hoping it will help me work through things.  I don't intend for anyone to ever read it (it's possible I may never even read it) but writing is cathartic for me. It helps me to get things out of my head. I'm hoping it will help me start to heal.

If you're reading this I know that you care about me. This stuff is not fun at all so I appreciate you reading it and caring about how I'm doing. I will still continue to post updates here but until I am in a better mind-frame it will probably be better for all of us if I shield everyone from the shitstorm in my brain for a little while.

((Hugs))

17 comments:

  1. I wish there were words to say to ease your pain, a way for me to carry some of your burden. You are still in my thoughts and prayers. ((Hugs))

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  2. I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. Although I know the pain of infertility, I can't imagine the pain of losing a pregnancy. Hoping your heart heals. Hugs!

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  3. I'm so sorry, I have not been on here very often lately but just want to let you know I'm thinking of you and praying for you. Hugs from over here as well <3

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  4. I would give anything to be able to take away even an ounce of the pain you're feeling. I hope you know how much I love you, I'm sending all my love, hugs, and prayers to you <3

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  5. I felt the same way when I lost the baby weight. It came off almost instantly and everyone complimented me. I wanted to vomit over it. I hated not having my baby bump. I so wish you didn't have to go through this. I am glad you are writing just for yourself. I hope that it helps you. I did the same thing and it was one of the only things that got me through my mess of emotions. Lots of hugs to you.

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  6. ((Hugs)) I wish there was something that I could do or say to help take away the pain. I wish that you never had to go through this. Sending you big hugs and all my love.

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  7. I'm sending you all my love, and want you to know that I'm here for you in any way you need a friend. In a very small way, I can relate to not wanting to talk for fear of being too negative. I know this doesn't come close, but after our embryos arrested for IVF #2 I was so angry, bitter and hateful... It was almost better to not speak to anyone because I resented myself for the things that came 'out of my mouth' (or through the computer to you girls). It took a lot of therapy for me to see that having those thoughts and feelings didn't make me a bad person. It was part of the healing process, and I had to get it out somehow. I'm glad you have found an outlet with your secret blog, and I really hope that helps you to sort it all out. I think JenTee would agree that we are there for you if you ever want to vent it out to a real person. I know it sounds silly, but when I was in that hateful place in December, one of the few things that actually made me feel better was the sticker spam. And I'm not talking about the lovey dovey stickers. I'm talking about all the stickers that matched my mood. I can't explain why, but it really did help me to feel better. I am forever in your debt for showing me that the sun was still there all along, even if it was hiding for what seemed like an eternity. I wish that I could do the same for you, but I know that your wounds run deep... It won't be for a very long time before you can even handle the thought of sunshine without feeling angry. And that's ok. Take all the time you need, and when you're ready, we're here for you. In the meantime, you, Shaun & Petey continue to be in my prayers. I love you dear.

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  8. Yes, I do care about you very much and I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Always remember that you're not alone. I'm still sending you love, hugs, and prayers <3

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  9. Lots of love and hugs to you. Always thinking of you.

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  10. Just thinking of you while cooking dinner and stopped to drop you a note, I thought maybe she just needs a cyber hug today...hope some sun hit your face today.

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  11. Thinking of you.... the first days without your baby is the hardest to get through that drowning feeling. I'm thinking/praying for you in this tough time, I'm here if you need to chat.

    Kate

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  12. You are always in my thoughts.
    <3 you and sending hugs.

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  13. Hugs!!! I am so sorry! Having been through similar, I know there are no words. Thinking of you.

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  14. (((((hugs)))))

    Thinking of you always and sending you lots of love. <3

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  15. Think of you and sending you lots of love and hugs <3

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  16. I've been a quiet follower for some time, and I am so sad to hear your news. I've been thinking of you for the last couple days, and sending all my love and hugs your way.

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  17. I found your blog through Heidi (HiddenInfertility) and am so sorry to hear of your loss. You are in my prayers.

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