Thursday, April 3, 2014

1 week.

I left the house today. Progress.

I had a teeth cleaning appointment in the morning and then ran some quick errands. And it was... okay. I was so scared the dental hygienist was going to ask me questions I wasn't prepared to answer (she could tell I hadn't been flossing) but all I said was that "I was pregnant for a while and could barely even brush my teeth without throwing up so I certainly couldn't floss" and she just accepted the information and reassured me that I can get back on track easily.  End of conversation. PHEEEEWWWW.  
Then she murdered my gums for half an hour.

I've been having anxiety about leaving the house and talking to people. Going about daily life like everything is normal is extremely difficult when it feels like your world is upside down.  Very very slowly, I am starting to integrate back into the world though.  Today was a big step.

I still am not really talking to people though. The wave of messages, cards and phone calls (and flowers, cookies and dinners) has died down now which gives me mixed emotions: I feel slightly relieved since, even though I was appreciative, it felt like a lot of pressure to keep interacting with family and friends when I barely had the energy or wherewithal just to get myself through the day.  On the flip side, it indicates that our loss is likely no longer on others' minds. Logically I know that people have lives and it would be completely unrealistic to think that just because I frame every single insignificant thing against the timeline of our loss (e.g., yesterday was the first time I shaved my legs since Petey's been gone [yes, I actually think about stuff like that]) that it is still on anyone else's mind. I realize that but it still just stings a little bit.  Not enough to make me reach out yet though.

I just want to know when things will get easier. When will I start to feel like myself again?  I don't even feel like myself writing this blog post. Over the past few days I've begun writing no less than 5 posts but stopped partway through each one because they just didn't sound like me. I'm not thinking like me right now so I'm certainly not writing like me. I just feel so different.  I don't feel like myself. I hope I will again some day.

In the meantime I'm just going to try to continue "healing". I've received so many cards and emails from people saying "take this time to heal" or "make sure you take the time you need to grieve".  What does that even mean? If it means puttering around the house waiting for the days to pass while Hubs plays video games in an effort to distract himself then we're doing great! We'll be healed in no time!  Sigh.

One thing I've learned is that in the loss community, most women hate the phrase "time heals all wounds". People like to say it in an attempt to make you feel better but the consensus seems to be that it's a load of crap. That really, time will dull the pain turning it from a sharp stabbing pain into a duller continuous ache, but that the scar from your wound will always be there. 

At this point I am looking forward to the dull ache.


  1. I felt the same thing when the phone calls and visits started to slow down: relieved and also lost and abandoned that other people were moving on. I am so glad you are taking steps towards healing. You are right - time wont heal jack crap when it comes to losing your babies. But as time goes on, you will keep taking steps forward. ((hugs)) to you.

  2. I still have you on my mind quite a lot, my dear. I am proud of you for getting out of the house today (for a dentist appointment no less... You are fierce!). One step at a time... And if you feel like you're going backwards, that's ok. There are no rules to this. Just love. Thinking of you & continuing to pray for peace <3

    1. I know you do. Thank you <3 <3

  3. Good for you for going out, that's a big step, and to the dentist no less!
    I honestly think about you and Petey so often but I don't know if it helps or hurts to tell you that, but I'll say it now - I think about you and pray for you many times on any given day. I wish there was something more I could say or do but please know that I carry you both in my heart - Petey is important and loved and will not be forgotten. I love you and I'm here if/when you want to talk, but in your own time, there's no pressure, no rush, I'm not going anywhere. Love you <3 <3 <3

  4. I read somewhere once that time doesn't heal wounds but merely scabs over it and every once and awhile it gets pulled open again. I think that is true... I'm 3.5 months out from my loss and while I'm finally able to leave the house on a regular basis I definitely don't feel like myself and doubt that the "old me" is ever coming back. I can't promise you this pain will ever go away, but I can promise you that you will survive this...there is really no other choice. You, me , others ...we have nowhere to go but forward. Thinking of you. ((hugs))

  5. I think of you and Petey I also don't know if it helps or hurts to know that from me either, but it's very very true.
    All I really know for sure is that there is not a 'right' or 'wrong' way to grieve. You're blowing my mind with going out today - you're so so amazing.

  6. I definitely think of you and Petey all the time. I wish there was something I could do to help ease your pain. What a big step getting out of the house and going to the dentist. I don't really know what to say other than I think of you often and am sending so much love and ((hugs)) your way.

  7. Good for you for going to your dentist appointment! If I were in your shoes I probably would have cancelled it. You are so strong Chickin. Please know that I think of all three of you all the time. Time doesn't heal all wounds. But it the pain will lessen. When I lost my sister, and I was in a particularly dark place, I asked my MIL if the pain would ever end and she said: I won't lie to you. It won't ever go away completely. But that's ok,, because it will remind you of how much you loved her. BUT, every day, it will get less and less until one day when you open your eyes in the morning, it won't be the first thing you think of. It will be the second. Another day, it will be the third. And there will come a time when you will remember with sadness AND love but it will no longer be all consuming. The pain won't ever go away completely but you will heal and things will get easier.

    Sending you so much love and prayers for this burden of pain to be lifted ((hugs))

  8. You ladies are the best. Thank you all so much for your comments. I know you guys love me and truly care and are thinking about us. I don't really know where I'd be without you all. I've been struggling with many of the people in my "real" life so you all truly do keep my head above water. <3

  9. I think of you and Petey every day still Chickin. Sending you my love all day, every day.

    And congrats on getting to your dentist appointment! I struggle going to those on my best days. You are a strong woman. One day and one thing at a time. <3

  10. I've thought of you so often but don't know how or what to say. Just know that my prayers and thoughts are with you. Huge hugs!!!

  11. wow, I give you mad props for going to the dentist!! you're an amazing woman, & for what it's worth, you still "sound" like yourself, in your way with words, even though I know you don't feel like yourself just yet. I also, think of you every day, & pray for you, & wonder how you're doing. It's good to see you writing here, no matter what it is, no matter what stage you're in. I agree with PPs that there is no right or wrong way to grief. When I counsel people I always say that grief is like waves...some days there are just little waves, little reminders, but you feel generally okay (which may be surprising at times), & other days another huge wave will hit & seemingly knock you off your feet, which may be surprising as well. Just know that all of that is normal, & give yourself permission to take the time you need to process your feelings & pick yourself up again whenever you feel knocked down. And know that we are here for you, whether it's a good day, bad day, weird day, funky day, it doesn't matter. Sending all my love & hugs to you!!

  12. I came over to your blog from stirup queens. I TMFRed due to T18 2 years ago. We also didn't find out the gender, though I default to "him" most often. I know you're still in the early days. It will get better- never gone- but the pain will scab over. Eventually bit everything will be framed by "should have beens" and "lst time x happened I was pregnant".