I left the house today. Progress.
I had a teeth cleaning appointment in the morning and then ran some quick errands. And it was... okay. I was so scared the dental hygienist was going to ask me questions I wasn't prepared to answer (she could tell I hadn't been flossing) but all I said was that "I was pregnant for a while and could barely even brush my teeth without throwing up so I certainly couldn't floss" and she just accepted the information and reassured me that I can get back on track easily. End of conversation. PHEEEEWWWW.
Then she murdered my gums for half an hour.
I've been having anxiety about leaving the house and talking to people. Going about daily life like everything is normal is extremely difficult when it feels like your world is upside down. Very very slowly, I am starting to integrate back into the world though. Today was a big step.
I still am not really talking to people though. The wave of messages, cards and phone calls (and flowers, cookies and dinners) has died down now which gives me mixed emotions: I feel slightly relieved since, even though I was appreciative, it felt like a lot of pressure to keep interacting with family and friends when I barely had the energy or wherewithal just to get myself through the day. On the flip side, it indicates that our loss is likely no longer on others' minds. Logically I know that people have lives and it would be completely unrealistic to think that just because I frame every single insignificant thing against the timeline of our loss (e.g., yesterday was the first time I shaved my legs since Petey's been gone [yes, I actually think about stuff like that]) that it is still on anyone else's mind. I realize that but it still just stings a little bit. Not enough to make me reach out yet though.
I just want to know when things will get easier. When will I start to feel like myself again? I don't even feel like myself writing this blog post. Over the past few days I've begun writing no less than 5 posts but stopped partway through each one because they just didn't sound like me. I'm not thinking like me right now so I'm certainly not writing like me. I just feel so different. I don't feel like myself. I hope I will again some day.
In the meantime I'm just going to try to continue "healing". I've received so many cards and emails from people saying "take this time to
heal" or "make sure you take the time you need to grieve". What does that even mean? If it means puttering around the house waiting for the days to pass while Hubs plays video games in an effort to distract himself then we're doing great! We'll be healed in no time! Sigh.
One thing I've learned is that in the loss community, most women hate the phrase "time heals all wounds". People like to say it in an attempt to make you feel better but the consensus seems to be that it's a load of crap. That really, time will dull the pain turning it from a sharp stabbing pain into a duller continuous ache, but that the scar from your wound will always be there.
At this point I am looking forward to the dull ache.