Sunday, April 13, 2014

Emotional Extremes

Life is hard right now. Really hard. Not just for me but for quite a few very important women in my life. I am in pain because of my own loss and I am in pain watching them suffer and struggle too.

My mind is so FULL. My heart feels like it might just burst.  I feel so much love and so much sadness. So much hope and so much fear.

I am, of course, mourning my little Petey. Whether consciously or unconsciously, I've been trying to make some sense of our loss; to figure out something that might soothe our aching hearts and make me feel like this was for some reason. I began to feel like this was me "taking one for the team"; that out of all the wonderful women I've met throughout this IF journey, there will, of course, be at least one of us who will have to deal with a tragedy like this and I ended up being that one. And it sucks. And it's sometimes unbearable. But it had to be one of us and it happened to me and I'm still standing. It didn't break me. Maybe I was "chosen" to shoulder this burden because my husband and I are strong enough to handle it. Maybe not everyone can weather this storm and find a way to someday be okay, but we can and we will. Thinking that made me feel stronger.

And then yesterday, Becky (one of the wonderful girls in my IF & Success after IF facebook groups) had her water break at 17 1/2 weeks and lost her precious baby girl, Rowan. My heart broke for her. The fact that we both lost our sweet babies whom we both worked so hard for and wanted so badly makes me ache in ways I did not know was possible. And it makes me MAD too. Why does life have to be so fucking unfair?! I HATE that this happened to her. My little Petey was lost - why can't that be enough pain for our group? Why does she need to feel it too?!  The amazing women in this group are just full of life and love and kindness and just want to be mothers! There are so many bad people in the world - why are these women the ones who have to shoulder so much pain? Life is so unfair.
My heart smashed into a million pieces with the loss of our sweet baby and before it's been pieced back together it smashed again with Becky's loss.  I know pieces of it will never return but even so, the human heart and mind amaze me.  I feel so much sadness and loss, but also so much love and hope and fear and worry. The fact that I can carry all of these strong emotions within me at the same time and not break apart is amazing.  It feels like pieces of my heart truly do live with some of my closest girls as they struggle through their own journeys and I somehow find it within me to send them strength and love even when I feel like I have nothing at all to give.

I've said it before but I'll say again: I don't know where I'd be without all the wonderful women in my life that I've met along this IF journey. I used to put a disclaimer along with that comment to say "I know I've never met them face to face but..." but I don't need that anymore.  I don't care that we don't live near one another. These women are my strength: They carry me when I'm too weak to do it alone and hold my head above water when I feel like I'm about to drown. I hope I do that for them too.

I haven't attended church for many years now but on this Palm Sunday I find myself praying.
I pray for peace for Becky and her husband; for me and my husband; for Jen and her family; for all the sweet women I've met through TB Loss board who are mourning their lost children.
I pray that Cici's embryo transfer (ninja reunion!) that is happening as I write this will WORK and that she will be able to have the family she so deserves.
I pray that all the IDOB women still struggling through IF will finally have good news soon; that things will start to work in their favor and they'll soon be able to celebrate both small victories and BFPs; that the world will prove to us that there is still a reason for all of us to HOPE.
I pray that all the SAIF women and other blog friends in my life will continue to have healthy pregnancies and births and babies and will never know the pain that Becky and I and others now share.

There really is not much more I can do than just survive and pray.


  1. ((Hugs)) Chickin. I'm so impressed at your eloquence. I can't even come up with the words to use to explain how unfair, awful, heartbreaking this all is. Continuing to send you love and strength as you and Shaun continue to heal from the loss of sweet Petey. <3 And sending Becky, her H, and their angel love, strength, and peace, <3

    I am so grateful for you and the other ladies that I've met through TB and IDOB, I just keep hoping that we will be able to celebrate some good news soon. And I hope and wish that every one of us will have a take home baby in our arms soon.

  2. Oh, Chickin, you are so beautiful in every possible way! I could tell from when I started reading your blog about one year ago that you were 'my kind of people.' You are truly a sister to me, and I don't know what I'd do without you in my life.

    I don't know why life has to be so unfair... It's something that has been weighing on my mind for a while, and especially since that dreadful day in March when you got the call from your midwife. And now with Becky's loss... It's all just so horrible.

    I admire you for every word you said above. You are so strong, and I truly believe that your best days are coming. I love that you haven't given up hope, and think it's absolutely amazing that you have room in your heart for all the love in spite of what you've been through (and are going through). It must be incredibly painful, but you handle it all with such grace. You are amazing!

  3. Oh Chickin. My heart is broken for you and for Becky and for all of the pain that the ladies in our group have to live with every day. As usual, you've said some things and expressed some feelings so much better than I would ever be able to. I know I've said it before, but I don't care - you are an amazing person and an amazing friend and I am so lucky to know you. I'm thinking of and praying for you often. Hugs and love <3

  4. ((hugs)). I am so sorry... I don't even have the words. You are such a great friend to those women by feeling their pain as well. You must have the weight of the world on your shoulders with your loss and your friend's loss as well. You said it best - there is nothing to do but to try to survive and to pray. Lots of love your way.

  5. Oh chicken your strength amazes me. I love your words and pray for you, Becky, and all the IDOB and SAIF girls daily. Big huge Internet hugs!

  6. It is incredibly cruel and unfair that you, and so many other women, have had to endure this kind of pain. You're still in my thoughts and prayers, and will continue to be.

  7. You are so eloquent when you write, Chickin. You never cease to amaze me with your love, compassion, strength and courage. You are truly an inspiration and I am grateful to call you my friend. I pray for you and Shaun and Petey daily, sometimes many times a day, and I am heartbroken to now be including Becky and her family in those prayers. Sending all my love <3

  8. I definitely feel that anyone who has dealt with IF has that extra connection with each other. We are all a family and feel deeply each other's ups and downs.

  9. Colleen, thank you for your kindness & love over the last few days. For you to reach out to comfort & commiserate with me, while your world is still spinning, has meant more than I can ever say. You are so strong & are very honestly you are my inspiration at this point in time. We will get through this & we will come out the other side stronger. Sending you so much love! <3

  10. I share your anger for everything that has happened. IF is a difficult struggle in itself, and to add more hardships to it is just so cruel and unfair. I wish there was a good reason for any of these things to happen, but sometimes I guess tragedies just fall upon good people. I admire the strength that you and Becky both have to share your story. You are women who deserve all the happiness in the world and I hope that is what the future holds for you. <3