Wednesday, March 19, 2014

A very long night.

DEFORMITIES.  Take it from me; that's a word you never want to hear from your doctor.

We had our anatomy scan earlier today (Tuesday morning). Everything seemed to go fine except the baby wouldn't cooperate fully so there were some measurements we were unable to get and we couldn't tell the sex.  I remember asking the sonographer what the next steps were and she said the radiologist will review everything, I should expect a call, and then we'll set up the next U/S.  Okay, that sounds normal.  We walked out of there disappointed with the fact that we still don't know if it's a boy or a girl. What idiots.

This evening, my phone rings around 5:30pm and I see it's from my clinic.  Hmm, it's after-hours, that's funny.  I pick up the phone and hear that it's actually my personal doctor (midwife). That's a bit unexpected. Then she asks if I'm at home. BOOM. NOT normal.  She said she had the results of my anatomy scan, and as my heart sank lower and lower, she proceeded to tell me that they found some deformities with the baby: it appears our beloved little Petey has heart, spine, leg and possible brain deformities.  DEFORMITIES. Not "potential issues", not "abnormalities"; DEFORMITIES.  I'm pretty sure I went into shock and stopped listening.  I started crying almost immediately and when she asked me some sort of silly question I was completely unable to answer. She asked again and I managed to squeak out some sort of noise. She could tell I was crying of course, and apologized, but since I couldn't respond she just repeated the terrible news to me all over again.

Poor hubby walked into the room in the middle of all this.  He said I was white as a ghost and shaking but also just sitting there immobile. I eventually got my act together enough to write down what she was saying and what the next steps were. She told us we need to take tomorrow (Wed) off of work and go to a different hospital to meet with a Periontologist in Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) asap since he's a specialist. Apparently he also has better equipment and will hopefully be able to get a better picture of what we're working with.  I am scared to death of what we will find out.

Needless to say, it's been a long and difficult night. We don't have any answers or specifics yet so we're trying not to let our imaginations run wild but it's nearly impossible. Both Hubs and I have gone through phases of ugly gasping crying episodes, at one point during which he exclaimed: "Wasn't infertility enough?!".  Agreed.  We worked SO HARD for this child. 18 weeks in and I was finally starting to let my guard down and let IF-brain take a backseat. Now this. I should have known better.  I think I'm still in shock and disbelief about it.  I'm crying but I also feel detached. I think it's a defense mechanism.

I have so many emotions but mainly I'm afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I'm dreading it, and yet it can't get here fast enough.  If you have any prayers or positive vibes to spare, please PLEASE send them my way.


20 comments:

  1. Oh, lady. I'm sending a million good thoughts and well wishes your way. I hope tomorrow brings clarity. Please take care of yourself. You are an amazing, strong woman. Huge ((hugs)).

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I will be thinking of you and saying a few extra prayers for all of you today.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sending you strength peace and wisdom...enough said. I will be with you in thoughts all day.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sending you all of my positive vibes and good juju to you today. So sorry you are have to deal with this. Big squishy ((hugs)).

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh my gosh, Chickin. I am so sorry you're going through this. I'm keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am sending all my prayers your way. I hope today's testing brings clarity and peace of mind. I wish I was there right now to give you a big IRL hug. Love you, dear.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh Chickin, I can't even imagine. I so wish I could pile on Cici's IRL hug! Sending all my love and prayers to you and Petey today <3 <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh gosh, I am so so sorry you and your DH are going through this. I am praying so so hard that the appointment brings more clarity and better news. ((HUGS!!!))

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am so sorry about the bad news and the continued uncertainty. So many prayers headed your way.

    ReplyDelete
  10. oh Chicken, my heart aches for you! I'm sending T&Ps so hard right now for you & little Petey.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thinking of you today! Sending positive vibes

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this! Praying for you and baby!!! {{{hugs}}}

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sending thought for you and your family....

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh sweetie, I am sending you so much love and positive vibes. I will be praying for you, your DH and your little Petey. ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  15. So so sorry to hear this :( Will be thinking of you and your sweet baby.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm so sorry and I'm really hoping that everything turns out ok

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am so sorry you are dealing with this, sending all my love and prayers to you and Petey, ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh sweetie, I am just so so so sorry to hear this. I'll be thinking of you so much and sending all of my good vibes your way. So many hugs. <3 <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh my gosh, I am so so sorry. You and hubs are in my thoughts. ::HUGS::

    ReplyDelete
  20. mmb248/Melissa3/19/14, 11:28 PM

    I am so so sorry. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. (((Hugs)))

    ReplyDelete