Special delivery: IVF bill

I got my bill for IVF today: ((drumroll please...)) $13,300. That's just for the ER, ET and time my embies spent in the lab and does not include all the monitoring bloodwork, ultrasounds, medications or OHSS testing. Holy fuck.  I cannot tell you how grateful I am that my insurance covers a decent portion of this so that it was actually a feasible option for us financially.  I also do not have the words to express how happy and grateful I am that it actually worked (I still cannot believe it)! Even though we don't have to pay the whole thing the bill still scares me and I'm making Hubs write the check so that I don't have to look at it again. And yes, I am a child.

Next!
I am SO anxious for our second ultrasound on Thursday morning (8 weeks). Today I've had slightly less morning sickness and a bit more energy so I, of course, contort that around in my twisted little brain and torment myself with the fear of a missed miscarriage. I am a crazy person; I am well aware of that. There's no reason for me to think that there is anything wrong but I guess it's my defense mechanism and I just can't let go yet.

On another note, I have a head cold. Fun!  I can take Tylenol which does nothing for me, saline nose spray, cough drops, and Benadryl to break up all the post nasal drip upon which I have been choking and gagging for the last few days.  I'm a babe. Soup, OJ and popsicles are my best friends and I am very thankful that I do not (yet) have a food aversion to any of them.  I am hoping that the real reason for the recent increase in energy means that I'm on the upswing :-) 
I wasn't sure it would be possible but I am actually starting to understand the pregnant women I used to want to kill who would complain about being sick. Then, I had to hold myself back from bashing their heads against the wall while screaming "DON'T YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE YOU UNGRATEFUL BIATCH?!!?!", but now I'm beginning to get how much it can suck when you are sick and there's very little you can do about it. However, I do think that because of everything I went through to get to this point, I have a very different perspective on the potential tough parts of pregnancy compared to someone who tried oh-so-hard for all of 3 months and then got KU. (And yes, I have multiple individuals in mind with this one including that completely obnoxious blogger with the "fertility struggles" that Renee recently forwarded to us. I'm still annoyed about that.)

Anywho, I'm hoping my next post will contain a lovely picture of Pete! He'll be about the size of a raspberry at that point and there might even be little arm and leg nubs visible!  :-D

7 weeks

Little Pete is a blueberry!

A teeny tiny little blueberry who makes me both ravenously hungry and ready to puke with no advanced warning. 

Pete has also officially zapped all my energy. My house is a DISASTER. We hosted Christmas Eve/Christmas Day here for our joint families and I still have not cleaned up. Luckily my parents did all the dishes before they left so the kitchen isn't gross but there is random shit everywhere. I honestly am exhausted just thinking about picking up. Perhaps by the time I go back to work on Monday I will have taken care of it. 
Perhaps not.

We did end up telling everyone our good news on Christmas Eve. There was no grand reveal because I didn't feel comfortable doing anything like that but it was still nice.  My parents were the first ones to arrive and at one point I decided to just casually slip into the convo that "[their] baby is going to have a baby".  My mother shrieked and they both got teary and there were hugs all around. It was more emotional than I expected and is a nice memory.  

Hubs ended up telling his mom at one point when I wasn't in the room - apparently he was talking with both her and my mom and said something to the effect of: "So how do you feel about the fact that you're going to need to take some grandma lessons from her? [while motioning to my mom]" I guess she was pretty confused and then he told her that the IVF worked and we are pregnant.  I walked into the room to hear her repeating "no way...NO way..." while hugging him and then she ran over to hug me. At one point she exclaimed: "I'm gonna be a grandma!!" It was very cute.

That left only a few others who didn't know yet and I took the opportunity when we were all gathered around the bar getting drinks. Someone asked what I was making and I listed off the contents of my cup and mentioned that my drinks will be alcohol-free for a while. Then I just stood there staring at them with a dumb grin on my face as I watched the recognition cross their faces. 

All in all it was fun and I actually felt some comfort the rest of the holiday knowing that we didn't need to hide anything anymore.  I had morning sickness on Christmas morn and everyone was very understanding and it was nice not to have to make excuses.  Also, throughout the holiday one of my sisters kept softly patting my stomach saying hello to the baby. I said "you do realize you're just patting my stomach fat, right?" Hahaha! It was still cute though :-)

I'm amazed that I really do feel a bit more at ease now that it's out in the open. I'm sure I will still have pangs of fear every now and then (hopefully less and less) throughout this pregnancy but currently, I'm feeling good. It also helped me to write out that last blog post.  I was feeling so yucky and then feeling even worse because I was blaming myself for feeling yucky. It was good to get it out and feel like maybe I can start to let go of some of that shit.  Thank you so much to everyone who commented. You all are so wonderful and I feel very lucky to have such a supportive and non-judgmental group of online friends.  ((Hugs))

What They Don't Tell You About PAIF

Who's "They" you ask?  ::shrug::

What I do know though, is that this is going to be a brutally honest post...

Now that I've reached the "other side" of IF, I've learned it's not all green grass and rainbows.  PAIF is scary as hell and it's lonely as hell.  At least it is for me anyway.

Don't get me wrong; I am thrilled and amazed that I am actually pregnant and thank my lucky stars every minute of every day that I am in the position I am in.  At the same time, I am so SO scared to let myself feel happy and secure about it. It's not a conscious decision to feel guarded - it's unavoidable for me. This all seems too good to be true and if I trust it and finally let my guard down, the natural next step is that the pregnancy will be taken from me. I am an infertile. Something obviously went wrong somewhere - the storks got confused, one ended up on my doorstep and once they (there's that elusive "They" again) realize their mistake, they'll come and rectify it.  

I thought that IF was some tangible thing that I was fighting and once I beat it, I could move on and never look back.  But IF is an evil bitch that's mental as well as physical. Right now it feels like there's no such thing as the "other side" of IF... I didn't cross through some magical gateway into a beautiful garden of fertility, I crawled my way through a long dark tunnel of mud and shit and tears and pain and now that I've finally reached what looks like a way out of the tunnel, my surroundings turn foggy and feel dangerous. I hated that IF tunnel but I knew what to expect when in it. Now, I have no idea if I've truly found a way out or am about to unexpectedly fall into a deeper, darker tunnel than I could have imagined was there.  If it's the latter, I honestly do not know how I will be able to fight my way through the dark again to get out of it.

It's a hard thing for me to describe and it's probably an even harder thing for others to understand.  Know that I'm not looking for sympathy with this post, that would be ridiculous.  I am writing it because I am silently struggling. I'm struggling at a time when those looking in from the outside likely think that I shouldn't be - that this is the time when everything should finally be perfect and wonderful for me!  It's not though, not yet.  This place that I'm in right now feels lonely because I have no one to connect with who understands. Hubs doesn't even understand.  And that's the other reason I'm writing this post: In case there is anyone out there in a similar position who stumbles upon this blog, I want you to know that I get it.  That you are not alone. That you are not crazy and your feelings are valid even if they seem improper and unappreciative.  And that even though you finally achieved your goal of becoming pregnant, it's okay that you don't feel ready to jump for joy and shout it from the rooftops.
At least I think it is anyway...

I'm sad that the struggles didn't automatically end for me once I saw those 2 pink lines. I thought I'd be feeling pure happiness and relief right now but I don't. Not yet anyway. But I do have hope that I will get there eventually.

I have a tenant!

I had my first ultrasound yesterday morning at 6 weeks and they confirmed that Pete has indeed taken up residence in my ute :-D  Let's just hope he's signed the lease for the full 9 months.  

Unfortunately there is no picture to share (sorry J & CC!) because all we saw was a black area with a definite round ring at the edge of it which was apparently the yolk sac. Honestly it was pretty uneventful since Hubs and I really had no idea that we were even looking at anything.  However, the nurse confirmed that although there's nothing much to see yet, everything is as it should be at this point.  Before we went in she said we were right on the borderline of possibly being able to see a heartbeat so we were excited but it turns out it was still too early.  Boo. I also learned that I have a few massive cysts still on my ovaries: 36mm, 40-something & 52. Yikes. Hopefully those will go down soon.

We've been scheduled January 2nd for our 8 week ultrasound (we should definitely see something then plus the heartbeat!) and "exit interview" with the doctor.  Assuming all is well, that will be my very last visit to the RE.  It sounds silly but I almost feel scared about that.  I've come to rely on this clinic and the nurses so much it's like they are my safety blanket and now I'll be released into the world as a "normal pregnant woman". I don't feel normal though. I still have that feeling of being lost and it's like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I want to feel happy and hopeful and excited but instead I feel very guarded with a slight sense of dread that I can't shake.  Maybe I've just seen too many instances of women finally getting PAIF and then losing it, that I can't fully believe that I'll be any different. 

I don't know when I'll start to feel good and positive about this.  Maybe after 12 weeks?  15?  Maybe once I see there's an actual BABY growing in there?  I don't know.  I feel like I owe it to all my friends still struggling with IF and my family (and likely myself too) to be over the moon happy about this but I'm still having a hard time believing any of it.

Hubs felt good after yesterday's appt.  He was waiting for yesterday's results to feel good and secure and now he does. Just like that. I wish it was that simple for me.  Both he and my sister want us to announce it to everyone on Christmas Eve (we host both families at our house every year). I don't.  I can't help but feel like it could be a big mistake.  However, there will only be a handful of people here who aren't aware of our IVF so it seems sort of dumb to tell everyone except a few. I guess my issue with it is that it just feels so FINAL if we do an actual announcement.

If I had to go back to October when we started this IVF cycle and do it over again, I would tell almost NO ONE about the IVF.  Since so many people knew, it's forcing our hand now and we've had to tell people we're pregnant so much earlier than we would have wanted to.  I know it's completely illogical but I feel like every additional person we tell makes it more and more likely I'll miscarry.  I know that's dumb so I'm currently trying to smack some sense into myself.

In the meantime, I'm reading some baby books so I can get a clue as to what happens during pregnancy and what I should and should not be doing.  I also need to find an OB.  Technically I have one but she's terrible so I need to find a new one prior to my Jan 2nd appt. That means I also need to decide now which hospital I want to deliver in. This is easier said than done since I have more than a dozen choices around here and really have no idea what I'm looking for, what to ask, and what's good or bad.  Oy. Wish me luck!

Hoover

...and I'm not talking vacuums.

All I want to do is eat everything in sight lately.  Strangely though, not sweets.  The crazy amounts of chocolate and cookies 'round these parts lately are of no interest to me; I just want FOOD and lots of it.  I could really go for a chicken pot pie right now...  A whole one.  

My first ultrasound is tomorrow morning!!!!  I am so excited.  Things have been good and it's feeling more real to me every day but until I actually SEE that Pete is in the right place and not in a fallopian tube or something, I don't think I'm going to fully feel ready to believe this.  If all goes well tomorrow, we're planning to tell our parents the good news on Christmas.  Tomorrow's only 6 weeks so it's obviously extremely early but they all knew about our IVF and we've just been dodging questions the last couple weeks regarding whether or not it worked by saying we're still going through testing. I don't think that's going to fly much longer.  I'm excited to tell them but at the same time I just reaaaaaaally hope that we don't end up having a reason to regret it. (I don't even want to say it for fear of bad juju! Gah! I hate IF brain!!)

It appears I spoke too soon.

Symptoms: I gots them.

Hello heartburn!
Hello extra bra cup size that appeared seemingly overnight!
Hello bloodhound sense of smell!
Hello crazy-ass dreams! 

Also, it appears my new favorite thing is to wake up around 2:30am every night craving clam chowder.  Wtf? And I'm not talking the thin Manhattan-style imitation clam chowder, I mean the real New England kind with heavy cream, clams, potatoes, onions in a great big bread bowl. Mmmm. I finally had some today and it was everything I hoped it would be and more. Delectable! Unfortunately, it did not stop the craving. 
I seem to be craving all things creamy right now: chowder, fruit & yogurt smoothies, egg nog, broccoli & cheese soup, tapioca pudding, chocolate milk. All I want to do lately is find creamy things and pour them immediately down my throat (/insert obvious sexual joke here).

As for the unbelievable sense of smell?  I totally followed some poor guy to a different part of the building at work the other day because he smelled soooo good.  I'm like one of the women in the Axe Body Spray commercials.  On the flip side, that afternoon I also opened the microwave in the shared kitchen to pop in my lunch and almost puked as a wall of fish smell hit me. BARF. 

Luckily, the nausea has not set in though...yet.  And I'm tired during the day (I always hit a serious wall around 7:30pm) but I don't have the bad fatigue...yet. I'm trying to get lots of things done over the next week or so (pretty much asap) before I get hit with those and all I want to do is lie down and imitate a slug.

I would however, like to start sleeping better. I'm awake every night between 2:30ish and 4:30ish and once I do fall back asleep I take little naps filled with totally mental dreams that leave me feeling confused/scared/completely unsure of reality when the alarm goes off. This all makes for quite the refreshing mornings! I've never really been a great sleeper though so I'm not surprised by this.

Me thinks this is just the beginning! Bring it on, Baby!

Symptoms...

...I got nuthin'. 

It's starting to weird me out a little. 

The boobs have been unremarkable, the IVF bloat is gone, I'm not peeing anymore than usual, no nausea, no fatigue, no mood swings...  It seems my lack of symptoms is currently my only symptom.

I am not complaining but as it is I'm still slightly skeptical that this is my reality so this is not helping me believe it.

I suppose I've been a little hungrier than usual but that could just be because I'm finally back to normal after the OHSS and can eat again.  I also am not sleeping well but that's certainly not news in my world.

I guess we'll just have to see.

I can't wait for the first u/s next Friday!

Whoop whoop!

Beta #3 today came back at 386 (we were hoping for at least 306)!  Woo hoo! Game on!!  

My first ultrasound has been scheduled for next Friday, 12/20 to confirm the fetal pole and yolk sac. That is so weird to type. 
I feel like I'm writing it about someone else.

It is slowly starting to sink in here and there that I am actually pregnant which simultaneously gives me bouts of excitement and feelings of being...lost. I've identified for so long as being infertile that now that I'm not I can't figure out what to be/how to be. You would have thought that after trying so hard for this that I'd be ready to hit the ground running the second I got my BFP but not so much. I know everything there is to know about infertility. I know NOTHING about pregnancy. I went out today and picked up "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and I'm sitting here looking at it over on the coffee table and trying to make myself believe that there's actually a reason for me (ME - chickin!) to read it!  It is all so strange.

So now that things are looking good in beta-land, it seems this blog will be morphing from an IF blog into a pregnancy blog. I am so conscious of the fact that many of my beloved stalkers, ahem, readers are currently struggling with IF so I don't quite know yet how to make a gracious transition into talking about pregnancy/baby stuff.  I certainly know how hard it can be to hear this stuff so I just want to verbalize that I completely understand that those of you who have been been active readers/commenters may not be able to do that anymore as it might be too difficult.  I love all you girls so much and will understand if that happens.  I just want to say though, that I can't imagine having gone through all of this without you girls to keep me sane and I am so so grateful for the good friends I've made throughout the last 1.5 years.  Rest assured I will still be stalking you all good and proper and will be constantly rooting for you and sending positive vibes!  I may be pregnant now (weird!) but you're not getting rid of me that easily :-)

Beta #2: I'm calling it!

I'M PREGNANT!!!

Beta #2 was 153 which means my hCG more than doubled in 48 hours. Hooraaaaaay!!!  

I was SO anxious to get the test results back today that I was actually making myself feel sick but in the end, nothing to worry about!  I'll go back again Tuesday for a 3rd beta just because these were slightly early (my first beta wasn't supposed to be until tomorrow) but because of today's results I'm feeling good. I feel like I can finally start to try to believe this and start to get excited.

And now, since I am obsessed with posting pictures of my pee sticks...

That's an awfully purty line this morning! AND my bleeding has stopped!!!

Gotta love Tina Fey

I'm so excited!!!!!!

Beta #1!

The difference is slightly more impressive in real life.

Good news!  Beta #1 came back at 73!  The nurse said that this early (today's 9dp5dt) we should hope for 70 so we are currently right on target!   The bleeding has lessened a bit since last night and my HPT was a bit darker today too!  These are all good things! Ahhh!  I am starting to let the thought that this might be for real sneak in :-)

However, Beta #2 is Sunday AM and that will be the real test.  The nurse said that we want to see at least a 66% increase which would mean the goal is 121. Come on Pete!!!

She didn't have much to say about the bleeding. Obviously it's not a great thing but she said that some women do end up with bleeding but go on to have healthy pregnancies so we really don't know if this is anything to worry about or not. She said that if I keep bleeding and end up getting pain beyond the partial cramping I am having then they will check me for an ectopic.  However, right now there is nothing I can do so I'm going to remain slightly apprehensive (as my defense mechanism), while praying that Pete has snuggled firmly into my ute. 

Eeeeeeeee....!
Sunday afternoon cannot come fast enough!
 

Positively torturous

Yesterday at work I started bleeding. It began as spotting and when I saw it my stomach just dropped.  An hour later it had turned into AF - a light flow but definitely how my periods normally start.  I was crushed. I went back to my desk to pack up because I knew I couldn't stay there any longer, and my coworker (the one who has been so great through this whole process) saw my face and just knew. She came over and gave me a huge hug and I lost it.  I cried hard but as silently as I could into her shoulder. I couldn't help the huge gasping breaths every now and then though so I can only imagine what kinds of questions she got after I left.  Sigh.  

Once I got out to my car I REALLY lost it (I'm talking blubbering/snotting all over myself) and then cried most of the way through my 1.5 hr drive home.  I was dreading telling my husband when I got home and it was every bit as awful as I thought it would be. Needless to say it was not a good night as Hubs and I came to terms with the knowledge that this IVF cycle failed. I was so sad and felt so dumb because even though I knew we only had a 45ish% chance of it working, I just always thought it WOULD work. I didn't mentally prepare myself for it failing.  I had been so focused on making it until next Monday's beta that I allowed myself to be completely side-swiped by the fact that if it was negative, I wouldn't MAKE it to Monday because I'd get AF before then.

I decided I would take an HPT in the morning so that when I call the RE to let them know I got my period I could also report the BFN and hopefully they'd move my beta to Friday so I could start to move on.

However........

This morning, this happened:

HO.LY.SHIT.  I was SHOCKED. Hubs was shocked.  We have no idea how to feel and are SO apprehensive.

After being so crushed just last night, it's hard to feel positive about this - particularly because I am still bleeding quite a bit (it's a light-medium flow at this point).  I have no idea if this is going to be a viable pregnancy and this is just some kind of breakthrough bleeding or if I'm currently in the process of losing it. I am hoping so hard that when I test tomorrow AM the line is darker. 

I called the RE office and the nurse agreed to push my beta up to be tomorrow AM so thankfully I will only have to be tortured with wondering what's going on until I hear back tomorrow afternoon.  If it's positive then the second beta will be Sunday.

::Sigh:: I'm afraid to be happy or truly believe this yet.  I always pictured getting my first BFP would be such an exciting and happy day - I'd see the line turn and then run into the bedroom waving the pee-stick in Hubs' face and we'd laugh and cry and hug and kiss.  Instead, I climbed solemnly back into bed, told him it was positive, and we laid there in the dark in shock and confusion, holding hands, afraid to be happy, unsure of how to feel.

Now, this has been the longest morning of my life. I cannot WAIT to get the number back tomorrow. I don't know whether to expect to crash back down into despair or if the IF rollercoaster is going to bring me up higher than ever.

I'll update again tomorrow PM but in the meantime, if you have any positive/sticky vibes to spare please send them my way!! <3

PS: Get the title?  "Positive"ly torturous?  Heh. I amuse myself.

What's Pete doing?

Today is 4dp5dt.  According to this handy-dandy little chart that I found at NYU Fertility (here), my little petrie dish baby (aka: 'Pete') should currently be in the process of snuggling into my ute. Hopefully he likes it enough to stay for 9 months.

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

I'm hoping this chart will help keep me grounded (read: sane) as I wait for my beta on Dec 9th since my crazy little mind likes to twist around "4dp5dt" to be 9DPO and I tell myself that people get BFPs as early as 9DPO...I should test soon! 

Umm, no.  

Pete hasn't even fully implanted yet (if he's even going to) and my body definitely has not begun secreting hCG.  So this chart helps me for the next 3 days but after that I make no promises.  I am a crazy chicken right now!  (Hubs always told me I should have named this blog "Diary of a Crazy Chicken"...I think he's right.)

Also - I am feeling much better physically! I even did some grocery shopping yesterday (first time out of the house in a week besides dr. appts)! I am definitely on the mend.

PUPO!

Wow, I am technically pregnant right now. That is awesome and also kind of hard to believe.  We had our 5DT yesterday and transferred 1 beautiful grade 7 blast. As it turns out, it was a GREAT decision to wait until day 5 since the embie they were going to transfer on day 3 ended up not growing as well. PHEW! We also found out that at least 2 of our embies will make it to freeze (possibly more)!!!  I am so freakin happy about that I can't even tell you.  Of course all this was not without some drama first...

I am sick.  The OHSS has been kicking my ass - I have no energy, no breath, tons of fluid in my abdomen, pressure, cramping, diarrhea (but also a constant feeling of constipation), and lightheadedness (is that a word?). That's all been really fun but then on Tuesday the nausea and vomiting started as well. As Laura so eloquently put it in one of her previous blog posts, I've been feeling like "the filling in a shit sandwich" lately. (I'm getting nauseous looking for google images of "shit sandwich" so you'll just have to imagine one here.)

Yesterday morning I felt absolutely awful. We were supposed to leave for the transfer at 10:45 and at 10:00 I was still bent over the toilet losing my breakfast.  Hubs and I had a long talk about pros and cons with just going ahead with the transfer or cancelling and doing a freeze-all then doing a FET sometime in January.  I'm still not even sure how we came to the decision we did but I decided to rally and armed with a puke bucket and saltines, we made the 1.5 hr trek through the driving rain and wind down to the hospital in Boston.  (I'm pleased to report that although I came close a few times, I never actually needed the bucket.)

Because I am lightheaded, short of breath, nauseous and so crampy I can't stand up straight, walking is hard. Once at the hospital, it took 3 stops along the way and a near fainting episode in the ridiculously hot (and SLOW) elevator to make it to the IVF suite but I did it.  Every time I had to stop Hubs was like: "That's it! We're not doing this, come on, we're going home." And I of course was like:  "Like hell we are! We've made it this far, I'm not turning around now!" Luckily, the nurse immediately got me some anti-nausea meds which was a lifesaver and after confirming with the doctor that it was still okay for me to go ahead with the transfer, we started prepping for it.  

It was so quick and easy and although I was still feeling crappy I was (am) SO happy to have it over and done with and to not have to wait until January.

Also, Hubs was adorable during the transfer - he was all wonderment (I'm using all kinds of potentially made-up words today!) when we were in the OR and he could see the embryo and fluid entering my uterus.  I agree it was kind of neat but I wasn't quite so amazed since I am so used to seeing the inside of my body through ultrasounds that I guess I'm kind of dulled to it all now.  This was the first time Hubs has been present for any sort of actual MEDICAL aspect of IVF - I've been the one going in for all the monitoring and bloodwork, giving myself the shots, and of course going through the egg retrieval...I didn't think about the fact that this was all new to him.  Once we got out and were relaxing we had a nice emotional moment with hugging and kissing and tears.  We may have just made our baby.  I am technically pregnant with our little Pete.  (PS: We are not naming the baby Pete. Hubs has been jokingly calling it that because it was made in a Petrie Dish, hahaha!)

Sigh. I am happy and relieved and just hope that A) this works and B) I don't get sicker. 
My beta is scheduled for Monday, Dec 9th.  I am hoping to try to hold off on POAS until the beta but with the progesterone (aka: crazy-making juice) coursing through my body, I make no promises.


PS: Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends!  Unfortunately, I will be staying home on the couch today trying to feel like a human instead of eating delicious food with family, but Hubs has promised to bring me home leftovers which I hope to be able to keep down :-)

A very silly day.

So this morning I got the call from the hospital saying I should come in this afternoon for a 3DT. I was bummed to say the least. All signs had pointed to a 5DT (I'm young, I have a ton of fertilized eggs, the nurses and retrieval doc said I'd most likely be Day 5...), so I was really upset that they wanted us to do a Day 3 because that must mean my embryos weren't very good quality. I cried. (Shocking, I know.) I did call the nurse then to let her know about my concerns with transfer due to my OHSS symptoms and she talked to the doctor who then called me and told me to still come in, just 1.5 hrs earlier so they could do testing first to see how bad the OHSS was. If it wasn't too severe then they would transfer this afternoon and if it was bad then we'd do a freeze-all and a FET in January.

We left the house honestly not knowing what we were hoping for.

We got there and waited forever again and then the nurse brought me back, had me change into a gown/hairnet/the whole nine yards, and proceeded to draw approximately half a billion vials of blood.  Then we waited another 45 minutes for the results. We found out I have moderate OHSS which sucks but is not a huge deal (just very uncomfortable) and that we could still go ahead and transfer!!  So the doc brought out the info on all our embryos and showed us a picture of the 2 lovely 8-cell and 9-cell embies that the embryologist recommended for transfer.  Then we told him we only want to transfer one since we want to decrease our chances of twins. He agreed that was the prudent choice (again, since I am young and should have a lot of embies to freeze for more chances if this one doesn't take), then told us he'd be right back to bring me in and went to inform the embryologist. Then he didn't come back for 20 mins.

Now keep in mind, I had already been there for 2 hours by that point and was drinking water and Gatorade that whole time since you need a full bladder for transfer. That, coupled with my huge ovaries pushing down on my bladder was causing me to have to pee so badly I don't even know how to explain it in words. It HURT. It hurt like a motherfucker and I was seriously about one second away from standing in a puddle.  I started to panic and just as I was flagging down a nurse to say that if the doctor did not bring me back NOW, this transfer was not happening because I was about to pee myself, my doc plus 3 other gowned staff were walking over to us while in the midst of a lively discussion.  Ooooh-kay.

All four were doctors: 2 REs and 2 Embryologists, and as we found out they were discussing the merits of transferring now vs. waiting until Day 5. I did not know that was even an option at this point.  We came in thinking we were either transferring TODAY or doing a freeze-all (because that's what everyone had told us all day long) but apparently that was not the case.  The doctors were somewhat at odds with their thoughts on what would be best but left it up to us to decide.  Long story short: My embie report was JUST under the cutoff for an automatic 5DT which is why they had us come in today but they think quite a few of the embies will make it to blastocysts, one of which could be transferred on Wednesday and the others frozen.  By waiting we are obviously taking a gamble since we were already gowned up and ready to go and staring at two healthy 8/9 cell embies, but the odds of implantation are better with a 5DT. They said that if we had planned to transfer both embies today they would have gone ahead but since we only wanted to do one, the better choice was to wait.  If we waited, I'd also have a little extra time for my OHSS to get better. So we talked it over quickly and decided to take the gamble with Day 5. Then I ran (RAN!) to the bathroom and peed for 2 minutes straight.

Sooooo, that was an unexpected turn of events.  Throughout the day I went from being anxious about whether we'd get "the call", to crushed that we had to go in for a 3DT (thinking my eggs were bad or the embryos were no good), to scared that we would have to do a freeze-all, to elated that we would be able to do the transfer, to confused about what was best, to completely unsure of whether we made the right decision.  We definitely left today feeling a little shell-shocked, confused, annoyed (that we had to go through all of that for nothing just to have to go through it all again on Wed), frustrated, and also slightly hopeful since we had wanted a 5DT all along.  When I asked Hubs how he felt he said it felt like we had just bought a new car, went to go pick it up, signed all the paperwork, and had keys in hand and then were told we'd have to come back in 2 days to get it.  Pretty good analogy but I'm not really sure who is the car in this scenario...

All in all, even though today was a crazy-ass rollercoaster, I guess in the end this is probably the best case scenario!!  I really hope we made a good decision and I hope that this is what will bring us our baby. I just pray that we will indeed have some blasts on Wed.

What a day.

And in case you are interested, here is the state of my embies as of early this afternoon:

• 24 eggs retrieved, 14 fertilized, 2 abnormal/did not grow past 4cells. 
• Of the 12 remaining embies; I have qty1 - 11cell; 2- 10cell; 1 - 9cell; 5 - 8cell, 2 - 7cell, and 1 - 6cell.   
• The two the embryologist recommended for transfer today had the least amount of fragmentation (highest score).  It looks like 3 of the remaining 12 have a low fragmentation score so we may lose those.

All in all, great embryo report and I'm excited for Wednesday! 

Aliens & OHSS

Alrighty. So as you know, I had my ER on Friday. It was kind of intense.  Maybe that was because I have never had a surgery of any sort before (besides wisdom teeth), or maybe it was because it was kind of intense.  

When they took me into the OR and laid me down, it felt like I had been abducted by aliens. 

There were at least 6 masked/gowned people in the room and all of them pounced on me the second I laid down: the anesthesiologist was adjusting my head, the nurse was putting my arms in the right place, someone was changing my gown, two different people had ahold of each leg and were forcing them up and into stirrups, someone was putting the oxygen mask over my face, someone else was asking me questions...I had no friggin clue what was going on.  As the Propofol (aka: Michael Jackson juice) started to seep into my veins I remember responding to the questions of my first and last name, my birthdate, and just as I was starting to answer why I was there my brain just shut off. The next thing I remember was waking up in complete confusion of where I was and what the hell was happening.  They wheeled me out of the OR into the recovery room and the alien abduction was over (but apparently not before the anal probe was complete since I found out from Hubs later that they shoved a tylenol suppository up my bum. Awesome.).

It took me about 1.5 hrs to recover although it felt like 30 mins because I was high on Percocet for the majority of it; it was lovely. At first I was in pain but the drugs kicked in quickly and then it just morphed to soreness.  I was lucky not to have any nausea and once the embryologist came over to tell us they retrieved 2 dozen eggs we signed some paperwork and were allowed to go home. It was a long ass day.  

The nurse had told us to be there by 9:15am ("and do NOT be late") and since that meant we'd need to drive into downtown Boston during rush hour, we left really early. Once we parked we actually dozed in the car for 30 mins then went in and found out that there was a miscommunication somewhere because we weren't supposed to be there until 9:45 and oops, we were actually pushed off another 20 mins on top of that.  We spent a lot of time waiting that morning.  After prepping and getting the IV (which was in my arm, not my hand - hooray!), I finally went in at 11:00, the procedure took about 45 mins and then after the recovery time and drive home we didn't get home to our poor little pee-filled pup until after 3pm.

I have been sore and bloated ever since.  There really hasn't been pain per se but I'm super uncomfortable with pressure and cramping, diarrhea, and a constant feeling of constipation from enlarged ovaries pushing on my colon; all from Ovarian HyperStimulation Syndrome (OHSS). You can read about it HERE.   The biggest risk factors for OHSS are: young age (check!), lots of follicles (check!), and high estradiol level (check!). At the hospital just before I went into the OR, the doctor came to speak with me and said that she thought it was likely we would need to do an embryo freeze-all because she could "almost guarantee [I'd] have complications from OHSS afterwards" and OHSS gets worse with pregnancy so it would be risky to do a transfer right now.  The only thing she wanted to see first was the number of eggs retrieved.  She said the absolute cut off was 25 - if they got 25 eggs or more I would definitely be having a freeze-all and then a FET in January (I would have to get a period, go on BCPs, then take estrogen until my lining was ready for transfer).  Luckily, they retrieved 24 eggs.  I was under the cutoff but they were still skeptical and said I need to be vigilant about my symptoms and make sure I rest a lot and remain as hydrated as possible. I have been chugging Gatorade, Powerade and water like it's my job and have become a constant fixture on the couch with my heating pad. I'm not sure it's working though...I really hate to admit it but I am not feeling any better :-(

In the meantime, a 3DT has been scheduled for tomorrow at 2:15pm and as long as I'm feeling okay and I don't get the call saying it will be pushed off until Wed for a 5DT, the plan will be to transfer 1 embryo tomorrow.  As badly as I want to be pregnant, because of the OHSS I don't know if I should go ahead with transferring tomorrow!  The whole point of this is to get pregnant but if I do, the extra hCG is going to make me feel even worse for many weeks and the holidays will be an absolute nightmare.  My hope is that the transfer will be pushed to Wed to give me a couple more days to get better and hopefully I'll feel more confident at that point in doing a fresh transfer. I'm thinking that it is likely the transfer could be pushed to Wed since I have 14 fertilized eggs - at least a few of them should be in good shape and growing well, right?! (please please please)  If not though and the 3DT remains the plan for tomorrow I'm not positive if I'll pull the trigger or not... I said that to Hubs and he is obviously disappointed.  He was so thrilled when the doc said we wouldn't be forced to do a freeze-all but he also isn't the one who has to deal with feeling like this.  I don't want to disappoint him but even more, I don't want to make the wrong decision just to make him happy and then really regret it.

Yuck. This should be an extremely exciting time and instead I'm feeling crappy physically AND mentally.  I hate that I'm unsure if this is the right thing to do or not.

Eggies!

Yesterday was my egg retrieval and I'm thrilled to report that they retrieved 24 eggs!!  That is a crazy amount.  Also, 24 just happens to be my favorite number :-)

Lucky #24!

The embryologist called earlier today and let us know that of the 24, 14 of them fertilized.  That is amazing and I'm so relieved that with that number, the odds are in our favor that we'll have some to freeze in case this cycle is a BFN.  Phew!

I'm still feeling a little rough - crampy, lots of pressure, tired...not much actual pain though thankfully. I took Percocet yesterday for the pain but am just on Tylenol now. I'm hoping the rest of this will go away by tomorrow.  

I don't have energy right now to write all about the ER but will try to post again tomorrow.
In the meantime: Yay!

Triggering tonight!!

Oh boy am I ready: U/S this morning showed 31 measurable follies (31!!) - 8 above 20mm and 3 of those are at 24. I am relieved that I'll be triggering tonight and going in for the ER on Friday (1 day ahead of schedule) because I can't wait to get these damn things out of me! 

Last night and this morning have been pretty darn uncomfortable and I look like I'm about to have a bunch of Oompa Loompas roll me to the juicing room. Seriously; my stomach has grown by at least 4 inches and I fit into exactly 1 1/2 pairs of pants right now: my comfy yoga pants and 1 pair of jeans which I have to unbutton when sitting.  I feel like my stomach is going to bust open and every time I laugh, sneeze or poop it feels like my ovaries are going to fall out.  

My tummy also can't take much more since I am one big bruise and have officially run out of real estate. Last night I had to give myself 3 separate shots to get the full 112.5 iu dosage of Gonal-F since I am down to the dregs in the pens. That was fun. If I wasn't triggering until tomorrow I would have had to actually drive about an hour to the fertility pharmacy today to pick up another pen for tonight! Glad I don't have to worry about that or pay the extra $ for more meds :-)

Ahhh I am so excited!!!  I almost can't believe that it is really happening.  I don't know why since I've been preparing for this multiple times a day (i.e., sticking myself and taking meds) for more than a month but for some reason it is FINALLY now starting to feel real.  

Hubs is all freaked out about having to give me the shot in the bum but I'll do the mixing/prepping and all he has to do is stick me.  I've reminded him that he did it perfectly once before (even if it did hurt like a bitch) so hopefully he'll get it together in time for tonight.  

I'm so happy!! (I can already feel the anxiety starting to creep in though...I'm trying to ignore it.)

Moar follies!

Monitoring today showed that I have 21 measurable follies. BAM! My current superstar is a 19mm and there's a bunch of 16s and 15s and then most of the rest are still between 11 & 13 (and I of course have the tons of little PCOS follies). I'm starting to run out of room in there! 

Lining is great at 11.5 and my Estradiol is high which is to be expected since I am borderline hyperstimulated. I will be consuming lots of Gatorade and protein bars over the next few days hoping to keep that in check.

The nurse told me that I should expect the Dr to cut my stims dosage in half starting tonight. I'm currently going in every morning for monitoring and she expects Thurs to be my last time since I will likely be triggering that night for ER on Sat AM!  There's a possibility I'll trigger tomorrow night with ER on Fri but their preference is to hold off one more day if possible to let the eggs mature some more.

I'm excited! This is really happening (and soon)!!

The Stork Award!

Thank you to ttuprincess from Table for Two (a recent addition to my list of blogs that I love to shamelessly stalk) for nominating me for The Stork Award!! Excitement!

I like the name of this award; I am taking it as a positive sign since I am praying for this damn stork to make its appearance soon :-)

So here's how The Stork Award works:

1. Add the avatar for the award in your blog post

2. Link to the blog that nominated you
3. Answer the ten questions given to you
4. Nominate other bloggers
5. Ask your nominees their ten questions
6. Let your nominees know they've been awarded 

7. Put the award icon on your side bar if so inclined

Click here to read about the origins of the Stork Award!

Here are the questions ttuprincess gave me: 

1.  One item your days would not be the same without. (clothing, kitchen items, office supply, etc)  My comfy PJ/yoga pants! 

2.  The best book you have ever read? Pride and Prejudice 

3.  A song that always takes you back to a certain place or time?  One that evokes strong memories? I Shot the Sheriff (Eric Clapton version). It reminds me of standing in my living room when I was a little kid, singing along with my dad while he played the guitar. 

4.  If you could have any job what would it be and why? I've always struggled with this question because if I knew the answer to this I would like to think I would be doing it!!  I know I want to do something I find fulfilling, helping people in some way during times of need. I just don't know what that is yet but I hope to figure it out some day. 

5.  One thing you wish you were good at but are not. Being able to put my emotions aside with certain situations/decisions. If you are familiar with the Myers-Briggs, I am almost 100% Feeling (as opposed to Thinking). I could never be a boss responsible for firing someone - I'd cry through the whole thing and then wimp out. 

6.  Your favorite vacation? 10 day European "tour" with a girlfriend. We went to Amsterdam, Brussels, Bruges, Paris and London. It was amazing and I wish I could relive it. 

7.  Describe yourself in 5 words. Personable, Capable, Smart, Funny, Independent. (Before IF, Happy would have made the list but that's sometimes debatable now. I'm confident it will make the list again though.

8.  Did you have a moment where you knew your DH was "the one"? I don't think so.  However, we went out to dinner a few months into dating and after that date I distinctly remember thinking that being with him was unlike anything I'd ever felt before. I was keeping a journal then and I remember writing in it around that time that "this could be something real...and I hope it is". 

9.  Aside from dealing with IF what has been the biggest challenge or struggle you have had to deal with or overcome? The few years post-college were the hardest for me. I worked almost around the clock waiting tables, cleaning rooms at a B&B and as a coffee barista and STILL could not pay my bills. I got evicted, lost my car, and finally agreed to move to New York with my current boyfriend even though I knew the relationship wasn't going anywhere. Eventually we broke up, I moved to Mass and lived on my sister's front porch/couch until I finally found a solid job and an apartment. It was a very hard time in my life but it helped make me into who I am today and makes me grateful every day for my life now. 

10.  If you could have dinner with any famous person or celebrity who would it be?  Past or present, dead or alive.  Hmmm...maybe Adele. She is spunky and hilarious (and talented obv). I would love to be friends with her.

Now I get to nominate some other bloggers!:

Miles Yet to Travel: J, you know I love you and stalk you shamelessly at all times. I liked you even before I really knew you (pre-blog), just from reading your posts on TB!  I'm so happy we're friends now. Always rooting for you, lady!

Running and Dreaming for Two: CC, I love that you are so open and honest. You are inspiring to others, even if you don't know it. I will forever be appreciative of you bringing me into IDOB; I feel like you saved my sanity and continue to do so daily just by naturally being such a wonderful and supportive person. <3

The Harder to Get, the Better to Have: Runnin' Red, you were the first blogger I formed a bond with. By following in your bloggy footsteps, I learned the ropes with both blogging and T-TTC. Even if you don't know it, you helped me along at a time when I had no idea what I was doing or where to turn and I am so grateful to you for that.  I am absolutely thrilled that Lucky will be here any day now and I wish you all possible happiness!

 

Here are the 10 questions for my nominees (I'm passing along the disclaimer that this is supposed to be fun as a way to get to know each other a little better so please don't feel pressure to do this if you don't want to or don't have time!) 

1. Share a favorite memory from when you were little.

2. What was the best part of your day today?

3. Besides your marriage, what is the most important relationship in your life?

4. Favorite food/drink? (only one!)

5. What are you most proud of?

6. Describe yourself in 5 words. (Stealing this one!)

7. Describe your perfect day.

8. If you could travel anywhere in the world for free where would you go?

9. If you could be anyone else for a day, who would you be?

10. If you won a million dollars tomorrow, what's the first thing you would buy with it?

Making progress!

CD9 Monitoring today! The 11mm follies have turned into 12s and I have three more now at 11. Hooray! These are the best U/S results I have ever received which I realize is slightly pitiful but I don't care; I'm happy and the nurse was so happy she actually gave me a high five!  All the measurable follies are on the left ovary although there are quite a few immeasurable ones on the right side; we'll see if they catch up. E2 levels doubled since Thursday but that makes sense since the follies are growing.  They're keeping me on the same protocol with 10iu Lupron each morning and 150iu Gonal-F every night and then I'll go back in on Monday AM for more U/S & B/W.

I am so relieved that there was some growth.  With this appt I finally broke through that 11mm barrier that held me back with every previous medicated cycle. It's been a long time coming just getting to this point and it feels good to FINALLY clear that hurdle :-)

Email diarrhea

As I'm sure you are aware from my ample bitching lately, I've been feeling pretty crappy over the past week. Luckily, I normally work from home 3 out of 5 days a week and only go into the office twice so if I don't feel well I can still work-- in my PJs :-) But I actually haven't gone in at all this week.  That's not a huge deal because I have a lot of flexibility but I've felt like a slacker lately. That, coupled with feeling like a big pile of poo, somehow convinced me that it was a good idea to email my supervisor and a coworker the other day about what I'm going through and why I'm slightly MIA lately and will likely need to take some sick time. I seem to have email diarrhea (copyright!) lately about IVF. I just can't hold it in!  (haha, gross)

Seriously though, I should stop telling people.  In this case I convinced myself it was necessary since it has sorta been affecting my work. However, I probably could have just gotten away with saying I was sick/feeling under the weather and no one would have asked any questions... Maybe it's just that it feels weird to be going through something so big without important people in my life knowing about it! I am normally a very open person and it's strange to be so secretive about such a large part of my life right now.

My coworker's reaction could not have been better though so I don't regret emailing. I've copied her response here because it makes me feel so lucky to have supportive people like her in my life and I don't want to forget that:

I am thinking about you and love you. Focus only on yourself and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Work is so unimportant compared to what you are doing now and you need to devote all your physical and emotional strength to this. Tell me what I can do to help.

xo

Is that a perfect response or what? I cried of course. I love her. This is the same coworker I told many months ago about our trouble TTC and she shared with me that she suffered 15 miscarriages (15!!!) while conceiving her 3 children.   Talk about putting things in perspective!

Anyway, I think I'm done with the email diarrhea now. I counted today and there are 18 people in Hubs & my life that know about our IVF cycle. That's way more than I thought.  It's good to have support and people rooting for us, but it also means there will be lots of questions come transfer/beta time on whether or not we're pregnant. If it doesn't work that's going to be a lot of bad news to relay over and over again. And if it does work (please please please!) it's going to be a lot of avoidance/elusiveness on our part since we won't want to announce so early. If that's the only problem we have though, I'll take it!
 

CD7 Monitoring

First monitoring appt: done!  I got the good nurse who found my vein immediately AND the quick u/s tech (yay!). My E2 (Estradiol) level is good at 102, my lining is good at 8.5 and I have a LOT of little follies but nothing they consider measurable yet (sounds familiar...). Two of them are at 11, plus an 8 and a 7 and then a ton of little guys.  I'm staying on the same dosage of meds and then going back on Sat AM for more u/s & b/w. 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly disappointed.  I'm just so used to getting these exact same results at every u/s and then seeing the follies never grow after that point.  I'm afraid that's going to happen again so I'm a bit apprehensive about the next appt. I just really hope there's some measurable growth by Saturday.

Grow, follies, grow!

Day 5 of stims

Thank the lord above, I am feeling quite a bit better. The headache is still lingering most of the time but has lessened considerably and I feel mostly like a human again.  I really hope that continues and think it may since it sounds like these were Lupron headaches and I'm currently taking half the dose I was before.  

I've now gone through a full vial of Lupron (280iu) and am on to my second. I'm also starting in on my 3rd Gonal-F pen tonight (300iu each), and have just about filled up one of the two biohazard disposal containers they sent me.  That's a lot of shots. When I first started with the shots a little over 2 weeks ago I remember writing that I was so focused on them and hoped I'd get to a point where giving myself the shots was just a tiny blip during the day. It reached tiny blip status about a week ago. Now it feels like nothing, just another routine thing I do, just another cross off my IVF calendar as I work my way towards the end of next week. I'm more than halfway through now :-)

Tomorrow morning is my first monitoring appointment!  The nurse told me they usually just do B/W on CD7 and then based on the results would likely bring me back in the next morning for a U/S, but since I have a 1.5 hr drive she said we'll just go ahead and do both B/W and U/S tomorrow to save me a trip. Yay! I can't wait to see if the stims are making a difference and if things are moving along as they should.  I have not had the best results from ultrasounds (read: my ovaries have never ONCE reacted the way they should to meds so every single U/S has been a disappointment) so this would be a whole new world for me if I find that my ovaries are actually acting like normal functioning organs!  FX!

My poor head!

I have had a headache since FRIDAY. It will not go away in spite of all the Tylenol, naps, soothing baths and cold compresses. I want to bash my head against the wall. Or better yet, reenact the scene from Liar,Liar where Jim Carrey repeatedly smashes the toilet seat down on his head; "I'm kickin' my asssss!".  (Wow, I'm big on referencing semi-popular '90s movies lately.)

It lessens a bit here and there which makes it just bearable, but then other times it's so bad I almost vomit, can't stop crying, and have no idea how I'm going to do this for the next week+ until it's time to trigger.   It's gotta be from a combo of the Lupron and Gonal-F (today is Day 4 of stims). It's like my body reached it's limit of Lupron and started sending caution signals up to my brain in the form of waves of headaches but instead of listening to it and stopping those meds, I just added on a new med that also gives me headaches! Awesome.  

I really hope that although I'm having these bad side effects right now, that my body will get used to being pumped full of these meds and will start adjusting itself accordingly. If this doesn't stop soon I will lose my freakin mind. Overall, I just really really really (really really REALLY) hope that all of this will be worth it in the end.

Thankfully, I am feeling slightly better today than I was yesterday at this time. FX that's a trend. Also, the weird feeling I was talking about the other day from the Gonal-F has gone away too. That one was like a pressure of some sort around my abdomen and back - I still can't describe it.  It was sort of pressure, cramping, pulling, tightness, aches, fullness...but also none of those things at the same time. Impossible for me to explain. I was concerned that it might be the beginning of OHSS (especially since I was already going into stims with 18 follies) but I'm no longer worried and am relieved it went away.  Now I just need to get rid of this motherf@#$%in headache!!!



Other random updates:

Hubs got his repeat SA results back last week and they were fine! Great counts, motility was good again and the morphology was just fine (that was the one we were waiting to hear about).  We weren't really concerned but it's still a relief to have the numbers.

Also, I did hear back from all but one of the friends I told about IVF. The ones I heard from were great and supportive and I'm happy I shared.  The one outlier is a girl who has a history of not exactly being supportive when friends are going through hard times (understatement!) so I shouldn't be surprised. (Example: While a mutual friend was going through chemotherapy, not only did this friend not check in on her/offer to drive her to appts/help in any little way even though she lived LITERALLY down the street from her, but she actually asked her to cat sit for her during that time!  That still blows my mind. So yeah, not so supportive.) I will not be bothering to include her on any additional update emails or anything and I would be shocked if she asked about any of it. Ah well.


In the meantime, I'm just going to deal with this and repeat the following as my mantra (only it's: Just keep stimming, just keep stimming...)