Thursday, December 5, 2013

Positively torturous

Yesterday at work I started bleeding. It began as spotting and when I saw it my stomach just dropped.  An hour later it had turned into AF - a light flow but definitely how my periods normally start.  I was crushed. I went back to my desk to pack up because I knew I couldn't stay there any longer, and my coworker (the one who has been so great through this whole process) saw my face and just knew. She came over and gave me a huge hug and I lost it.  I cried hard but as silently as I could into her shoulder. I couldn't help the huge gasping breaths every now and then though so I can only imagine what kinds of questions she got after I left.  Sigh.  

Once I got out to my car I REALLY lost it (I'm talking blubbering/snotting all over myself) and then cried most of the way through my 1.5 hr drive home.  I was dreading telling my husband when I got home and it was every bit as awful as I thought it would be. Needless to say it was not a good night as Hubs and I came to terms with the knowledge that this IVF cycle failed. I was so sad and felt so dumb because even though I knew we only had a 45ish% chance of it working, I just always thought it WOULD work. I didn't mentally prepare myself for it failing.  I had been so focused on making it until next Monday's beta that I allowed myself to be completely side-swiped by the fact that if it was negative, I wouldn't MAKE it to Monday because I'd get AF before then.

I decided I would take an HPT in the morning so that when I call the RE to let them know I got my period I could also report the BFN and hopefully they'd move my beta to Friday so I could start to move on.


This morning, this happened:

HO.LY.SHIT.  I was SHOCKED. Hubs was shocked.  We have no idea how to feel and are SO apprehensive.

After being so crushed just last night, it's hard to feel positive about this - particularly because I am still bleeding quite a bit (it's a light-medium flow at this point).  I have no idea if this is going to be a viable pregnancy and this is just some kind of breakthrough bleeding or if I'm currently in the process of losing it. I am hoping so hard that when I test tomorrow AM the line is darker. 

I called the RE office and the nurse agreed to push my beta up to be tomorrow AM so thankfully I will only have to be tortured with wondering what's going on until I hear back tomorrow afternoon.  If it's positive then the second beta will be Sunday.

::Sigh:: I'm afraid to be happy or truly believe this yet.  I always pictured getting my first BFP would be such an exciting and happy day - I'd see the line turn and then run into the bedroom waving the pee-stick in Hubs' face and we'd laugh and cry and hug and kiss.  Instead, I climbed solemnly back into bed, told him it was positive, and we laid there in the dark in shock and confusion, holding hands, afraid to be happy, unsure of how to feel.

Now, this has been the longest morning of my life. I cannot WAIT to get the number back tomorrow. I don't know whether to expect to crash back down into despair or if the IF rollercoaster is going to bring me up higher than ever.

I'll update again tomorrow PM but in the meantime, if you have any positive/sticky vibes to spare please send them my way!! <3

PS: Get the title?  "Positive"ly torturous?  Heh. I amuse myself.


  1. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I wish that your first BFP was the happy moment that you deserve. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. FX so hard that the betas bring you some wonderful news <3 <3

  2. Oh my goodness, what a roller coaster! I have everything crossed for you that things work out well. Sending nothing but positive, healthy, sticky vibes your way...

  3. Thank you ladies. SP - I hope everything's going well for you!!!

  4. Chickin I'm crying reading this post, so many emotions!!! I'm sorry that you were robbed of that first BFP amazingness. I am hoping and praying that Pete is just giving you a scare but is settling in and ready to sign the lease! ;) Sending all my love and strength to you, YH and Pete - good luck tomorrow morning, I am rooting so hard for you. Love you girl!!!! <3 P.S. Awesome post title is awesome :P

  5. I am so sorry things are so up in the air right now. I am sending big prayers your way that the test is a real positive and you get rising betas.

    I can remember it being really tough when I got my positive test too - you can't believe it - even throughout the first trimester I always had panics that it would go away.