Monday, December 23, 2013

What They Don't Tell You About PAIF

Who's "They" you ask?  ::shrug::

What I do know though, is that this is going to be a brutally honest post...

Now that I've reached the "other side" of IF, I've learned it's not all green grass and rainbows.  PAIF is scary as hell and it's lonely as hell.  At least it is for me anyway.

Don't get me wrong; I am thrilled and amazed that I am actually pregnant and thank my lucky stars every minute of every day that I am in the position I am in.  At the same time, I am so SO scared to let myself feel happy and secure about it. It's not a conscious decision to feel guarded - it's unavoidable for me. This all seems too good to be true and if I trust it and finally let my guard down, the natural next step is that the pregnancy will be taken from me. I am an infertile. Something obviously went wrong somewhere - the storks got confused, one ended up on my doorstep and once they (there's that elusive "They" again) realize their mistake, they'll come and rectify it.  

I thought that IF was some tangible thing that I was fighting and once I beat it, I could move on and never look back.  But IF is an evil bitch that's mental as well as physical. Right now it feels like there's no such thing as the "other side" of IF... I didn't cross through some magical gateway into a beautiful garden of fertility, I crawled my way through a long dark tunnel of mud and shit and tears and pain and now that I've finally reached what looks like a way out of the tunnel, my surroundings turn foggy and feel dangerous. I hated that IF tunnel but I knew what to expect when in it. Now, I have no idea if I've truly found a way out or am about to unexpectedly fall into a deeper, darker tunnel than I could have imagined was there.  If it's the latter, I honestly do not know how I will be able to fight my way through the dark again to get out of it.

It's a hard thing for me to describe and it's probably an even harder thing for others to understand.  Know that I'm not looking for sympathy with this post, that would be ridiculous.  I am writing it because I am silently struggling. I'm struggling at a time when those looking in from the outside likely think that I shouldn't be - that this is the time when everything should finally be perfect and wonderful for me!  It's not though, not yet.  This place that I'm in right now feels lonely because I have no one to connect with who understands. Hubs doesn't even understand.  And that's the other reason I'm writing this post: In case there is anyone out there in a similar position who stumbles upon this blog, I want you to know that I get it.  That you are not alone. That you are not crazy and your feelings are valid even if they seem improper and unappreciative.  And that even though you finally achieved your goal of becoming pregnant, it's okay that you don't feel ready to jump for joy and shout it from the rooftops.
At least I think it is anyway...

I'm sad that the struggles didn't automatically end for me once I saw those 2 pink lines. I thought I'd be feeling pure happiness and relief right now but I don't. Not yet anyway. But I do have hope that I will get there eventually.


  1. You have every right to feel however you feel. Hugs, lady!

  2. I have heard these same thoughts from many in your place, so don't feel alone! You should get to enjoy this time in your life, especially after waiting for so long and trying so hard to get here. You have earned it. I hope that you get to that place once you are a little further in :)

  3. {{{{{hugs}}}}} This is exactly what I've been afraid of... I have had a feeling that once a pregnancy is finally achieved, there's no magic switch and things go back to normal. IF changes us... I'm so afraid that I've lost the person I was and that she won't come back after getting through this. I'm so sorry you're feeling scared and isolated... I won't pretend to understand 100%, but I can commiserate. I'm here with you, dear, even if I'm still in the tunnel... I'm always sending love to you and hoping for the best.

  4. Hugs <3 <3 I have been afraid of this too. I know that imagining something isn't the same as experiencing it, but I just wanted you to know that I don't think it's crazy for you to feel the way you do. Of course I wish you were feeling happy all the time, but I don't think you should beat yourself for not feeling that way right now. I'll be thinking of you and I'm here if you need anything!

    Is there an IDOB grads group? Like I said, I've been worrying about this and I've been thinking it might help to have a group like that if there isn't one already...

  5. Wow, I have missed so much. First of all, congratulations! Second, I would probably feel the same. It's kind of like anticipation always makes things look so glittery and fluffy; like Christmas. I anticipate it so much and think it's going to be this magical time and then it's alright, but always a little depressing at the same time! You know, the next thing to anticipate is the warmth of spring.... we're always looking ahead I think at what's not yet here, then it happens and we don't know how to feel!

  6. ((hugs)) Like others have said, this is a fear of so many of us IFers. Going through IF definitely changes who we are and how we see and experience things. I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted to say I am here for you and will support you and listen if you need someone to talk to, even if I can't fully understand what you are going through. <3

  7. I am afraid there is definitely a lot of "survivor's guilt" that comes with being pregnant. Fear of losing the pregnancy and guilt that you are pregnant. I wish I could say that both of these things go away further into pregnancy or even after you have the baby, but I found myself holding my new little one in front of the Christmas tree this year and tears running down my face thinking about all of the IF folks I have met along the way, and I felt guilty that I made it to the "other side" while they are still struggling.

    The IF journey is just not something we can shake, and you know what, that is possibly a good thing in a way - it makes us more sensitive to the feelings of others for sure and it makes us appreciate things others may not.

  8. Hi from LFCA...I completely understand where you are coming from. IF definitely changes you and the way you look at things. IF changed me quite a bit and I can say I am not the same person I was before - I am oh, so much stronger than I used to be. Wishing you the very best.