Saturday, December 21, 2013

I have a tenant!

I had my first ultrasound yesterday morning at 6 weeks and they confirmed that Pete has indeed taken up residence in my ute :-D  Let's just hope he's signed the lease for the full 9 months.  

Unfortunately there is no picture to share (sorry J & CC!) because all we saw was a black area with a definite round ring at the edge of it which was apparently the yolk sac. Honestly it was pretty uneventful since Hubs and I really had no idea that we were even looking at anything.  However, the nurse confirmed that although there's nothing much to see yet, everything is as it should be at this point.  Before we went in she said we were right on the borderline of possibly being able to see a heartbeat so we were excited but it turns out it was still too early.  Boo. I also learned that I have a few massive cysts still on my ovaries: 36mm, 40-something & 52. Yikes. Hopefully those will go down soon.

We've been scheduled January 2nd for our 8 week ultrasound (we should definitely see something then plus the heartbeat!) and "exit interview" with the doctor.  Assuming all is well, that will be my very last visit to the RE.  It sounds silly but I almost feel scared about that.  I've come to rely on this clinic and the nurses so much it's like they are my safety blanket and now I'll be released into the world as a "normal pregnant woman". I don't feel normal though. I still have that feeling of being lost and it's like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I want to feel happy and hopeful and excited but instead I feel very guarded with a slight sense of dread that I can't shake.  Maybe I've just seen too many instances of women finally getting PAIF and then losing it, that I can't fully believe that I'll be any different. 

I don't know when I'll start to feel good and positive about this.  Maybe after 12 weeks?  15?  Maybe once I see there's an actual BABY growing in there?  I don't know.  I feel like I owe it to all my friends still struggling with IF and my family (and likely myself too) to be over the moon happy about this but I'm still having a hard time believing any of it.

Hubs felt good after yesterday's appt.  He was waiting for yesterday's results to feel good and secure and now he does. Just like that. I wish it was that simple for me.  Both he and my sister want us to announce it to everyone on Christmas Eve (we host both families at our house every year). I don't.  I can't help but feel like it could be a big mistake.  However, there will only be a handful of people here who aren't aware of our IVF so it seems sort of dumb to tell everyone except a few. I guess my issue with it is that it just feels so FINAL if we do an actual announcement.

If I had to go back to October when we started this IVF cycle and do it over again, I would tell almost NO ONE about the IVF.  Since so many people knew, it's forcing our hand now and we've had to tell people we're pregnant so much earlier than we would have wanted to.  I know it's completely illogical but I feel like every additional person we tell makes it more and more likely I'll miscarry.  I know that's dumb so I'm currently trying to smack some sense into myself.

In the meantime, I'm reading some baby books so I can get a clue as to what happens during pregnancy and what I should and should not be doing.  I also need to find an OB.  Technically I have one but she's terrible so I need to find a new one prior to my Jan 2nd appt. That means I also need to decide now which hospital I want to deliver in. This is easier said than done since I have more than a dozen choices around here and really have no idea what I'm looking for, what to ask, and what's good or bad.  Oy. Wish me luck!


  1. I'm so glad to hear that everything looks great so far. I can't wait until January 2nd! I think what you're feeling is probably completely "normal". I hope that as time goes by, the good feelings will start to outweigh the bad. Hugs and love for you and your little guy <3

  2. So excited your bean is in the right place! I think I had a cyst or two in there during my pregnancy, but it didn't affect anything.

    It is tough to go from the RE to the OB! You have developed such a nice relationship with the OB and the nurses and to go to the unknown realm of "OB Land" is tough!

    I wish I had a better answer for you as to when you will feel "OK" with the pregnancy. Everyone is different! For me there was always a level of concern (which is probably true for most). It went down after seeing/hearing the heartbeat, that is for sure. Then feeling kicks made me feel better, but then I started to worry about feeling "enough kicks" etc. Oy parenting worries start early!

    I hope you feel comfortable with when you decide to tell others. I totally got a passing feeling of panic once I told people - like you said it seems so "final" at that point. One of my cousins announced her pregnancy on facebook at 7 weeks and I was like "wow, I can not imagine feeling so comfortable with my pregnancy to announce that early" I guess it might be different for people who did not go through as much to get pregnant!

    Can't wait to hear more updates!

  3. I totally understand what you're going through, I know how hard it is to really believe it & feel at peace. Honestly that didn't happen for me until after 1st tri, & even then a little doubt held on until around 20 weeks. It's tough! I also freaked out about telling people. We told our immediate families & 4 best friends really early, but didn't tell anyone else until 11 weeks, & even then I was pretty nervous! I started to feel a little better after 13 weeks. I think every appointment you have you'll feel a little better!

    1. Thank you for your comment. You have no idea how much that helps me right now <3 Thank you. I really hope all is well with you! I've been anxiously awaiting an update!

    2. aww I'm glad this helps! It really is a weird/hard position to be in, & reading your post really took me back to how hard that was. It honestly felt torturous while waiting to finally feel some peace, & I remember just wanting so bad to be able to relax & really be happy. It does come though. For me once I started to feel her moving on a regular basis (around 20 weeks) is what really helped. Also, I would look into buying your own doppler! I swore I never would (because for some people it freaks them out more if they can't find the heartbeat right away,) but then I ended up buying the Baby Sounds home doppler, & listening to that little heartbeat really helped calm me whenever I was worried. I can't remember what it costs, but it was under $50, & really worth the peace of mind! Btw, I haven't posted yet, but our baby girl was born on December 5th! :) I'll have to post soon!

  4. I am so happy to hear your appointment went well and that everything looks as it should! I think it is very normal to feel the way you do, IF makes us weary. I hope that your next appointment brings you some excitement once you see that little heart beating away!