I blog a lot on my other blog. Did you know I have another blog? It's not public. It's just for me. It's my "safe zone", where I can go when I'm feeling angry or tormented or conflicted or so sad I can't breathe. I'm glad I have it - it helps me get shit out of my head so I can start to feel like a human again and it keeps me from scaring the crap out of you all due to the intense ugly hard hateful bitter painful feelings I have to work through in order to get to the "okay" place where I now reside most days.
In ways it makes me sad that I could not seem to find a way to express some of those feelings here though because I do make a point on this blog to be authentic when I'm writing. What is not authentic though, is that I've filtered myself and my pain. I just read back through a lot of my published blog posts since we said goodbye to Petey and if I didn't know any better, if it wasn't ME who has had to make it through every day of this life since March 18th, I would think moving on was almost easy.
It wasn't. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I have no idea if it will ever end. There is no way to explain what it is like to grieve the loss of your child - to be moving along through life with trust in your heart and then to be so slapped in the face by the world that you are left dumbstruck. There is no way for others to understand how awful and heart-wrenching and lonely and exhausting it all is. And since it's so exhausting I don't have to energy to try to explain it. It's easier for me to just focus on living and trying to remain positive and trying to keep myself facing away from the dark hole that is always waiting there, ready to swallow me up. One slight misstep, one unexpected trigger, one day spent thinking too much and not distracting myself enough, and I'm falling again. Sometimes I can claw my way out of it by the next day. Other times I sit alone on the floor of that dark hole for weeks and don't even have the energy to look up to see how close or far away I may be from the light.
I have written some raw posts on my other blog. Sometimes I want to share them. Sometimes I want to show you all exactly what this is like so you can know how life is for me now but I don't want to do that to you. I appreciate the love and support so much more than you could ever know and the last thing I would want to do is alienate you. As much as you care about me and may be thinking to yourself right now that I shouldn't feel like I need to censor myself, trust me when I say that you're better off not knowing. I hope you never will know what this is like. And truth be told, I really am in an okay place most of the time.
I am proud of myself for consistently exercising and now really focusing on my health. That feels like a success to me. Just three months ago even driving down the street to pick up milk was a success. I have come a long way. This part of me is what you mainly see on my blog - it's no wonder why people keep saying I'm so strong. I have felt like this is not strength, it's merely survival. Then I found this quote:
Based on this definition it's true that sometimes I am strong. But I've mostly only been showing you my strength because it's too hard for me to find a way to share all the times when I choose to cry instead of move forward. So this is me, sharing:
Sometimes I'm an absolute mess.
Sometimes I am weak and overwhelmed and unable to cope with life.
Sometimes I have no hope and am angry and bitter and hate everyone and everything.
Sometimes I waste away entire days in bed, scouring the internet for other women's stories of loss searching and searching and searching for something I can't even identify.
But then there are the other times; times when I "choose to smile and take another step forward instead". I think I write about those times because they make me feel good. It is a constant battle to try to feel positive so I spend my time writing about those instances instead of sharing things that will just make me (and you) feel worse. But it doesn't mean those times aren't there. They definitely are. And they're probably not going away anytime soon. I hope that if I continue to choose to take steps forward they will slowly start to fade into the background and then this blog will be authentic again. I hope there will come a day when I won't have to filter through the bad to write about the good any longer because there will be so much good.