Sometimes I feel really dumb.
Like I should have known.
Like I should have been able to interpret what was normal and what wasn't with our last pregnancy.
But I didn't.
was just a new, naive, excited pregnant woman. I was so so HAPPY. I was
so so RELIEVED the IVF had actually worked! I was actually proud of
myself that I wasn't one of those freak-out-about-everything new moms
who feared that every cramp meant a M/C was imminent and who asked a
million questions during every U/S to make sure things were normal. I
strived to be that way, and I was proud of myself for it.
I feel like a dope. Would I have been less blindsided if I had asked
more questions during our NT scan? Should I have googled how much baby
is supposed to move during U/S? Shouldn't I have questioned why our
baby never wanted to cooperate and why the U/S Tech couldn't get him to
turn no matter how much she tried, when every other pregnant mama talked
about how active their little ones always were?
the hell didn't I question it?! Why didn't I think something could be
wrong? Why did I assume everything was perfect and that bad things
couldn't/wouldn't happen to me?
Through two NT scans the
baby wouldn't cooperate. Then as I got further and further into 2nd tri I
never felt any movement. Weeks 16, 17, 18 ticked by and nothing. Why
didn't I question that?! And then it was time for the anatomy scan and still no
cooperation and still no thoughts that something might be wrong. Why was I so fucking DENSE?!
Well now I
know. I know more about things that could go wrong than I ever would
have wanted to. I know what it is to receive soul-crushing news and I
fear that it might happen again. I know what to look for now. I know
just how scared to be if the baby doesn't move around much during my 12
week scan (assuming I get to 12 weeks). I know to focus on the legs now,
to make SURE they are moving, to make SURE another little baby isn't
paralyzed from the waist down. I know what a deformed head looks like
now and the image of a wide open spine... why was I so fucking IGNORANT?! Why didn't
I pick up on any of the signs?!
Why didn't it enter my mind that bad things could happen to me?
now I feel like it would be stupid of me to trust again. To feel like
lightening couldn't possibly strike twice. Because it could. And it
might. And I need to mentally prepare myself for that.
My first U/S is this coming Tuesday at 6.5 weeks. I am not worried about that one. I had a late loss, not a M/C. I expect to see my baby in there. And I hope to see/hear a heartbeat if I'm far enough along. I
really hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment. But
truthfully I feel like next Tues will be fine. It's the 12 week scan I
am already scared about. And I am petrified of the anatomy scan. Those
are the hurdles I need to cross. And if I get past those, I really
don't know how I'll feel. I've never been more than 20 weeks pregnant -
half baked. I have no idea what the 2nd half of pregnancy is like. I
have so much experience now with things most people will never know
about but no experience with being normal. I wasn't normal when TTC and
I wasn't normal when PG. I hope to God that this pregnancy will be
I hope my fear will calm down once we pass the anatomy scan.
(I hope we make it to the anatomy scan.)
I hope I'll feel connected to this baby soon.
I hope I'll be able to love this baby as much as I loved Petey.
I hope the guilt will die down eventually.
I hope I'll be able to feel excited and be able to trust and be able to let the past go.
I just hope more than anything that this baby will be healthy.