Friday, August 22, 2014


Sometimes I feel really dumb.
Like I should have known.
Like I should have been able to interpret what was normal and what wasn't with our last pregnancy.

But I didn't.

I was just a new, naive, excited pregnant woman. I was so so HAPPY. I was so so RELIEVED the IVF had actually worked!  I was actually proud of myself that I wasn't one of those freak-out-about-everything new moms who feared that every cramp meant a M/C was imminent and who asked a million questions during every U/S to make sure things were normal. I strived to be that way, and I was proud of myself for it.

Now I feel like a dope.  Would I have been less blindsided if I had asked more questions during our NT scan?  Should I have googled how much baby is supposed to move during U/S?  Shouldn't I have questioned why our baby never wanted to cooperate and why the U/S Tech couldn't get him to turn no matter how much she tried, when every other pregnant mama talked about how active their little ones always were?  

Why the hell didn't I question it?!  Why didn't I think something could be wrong? Why did I assume everything was perfect and that bad things couldn't/wouldn't happen to me?

Through two NT scans the baby wouldn't cooperate. Then as I got further and further into 2nd tri I never felt any movement. Weeks 16, 17, 18 ticked by and nothing.  Why didn't I question that?!  And then it was time for the anatomy scan and still no cooperation and still no thoughts that something might be wrong. Why was I so fucking DENSE?!

Well now I know.  I know more about things that could go wrong than I ever would have wanted to.  I know what it is to receive soul-crushing news and I fear that it might happen again. I know what to look for now. I know just how scared to be if the baby doesn't move around much during my 12 week scan (assuming I get to 12 weeks). I know to focus on the legs now, to make SURE they are moving, to make SURE another little baby isn't paralyzed from the waist down. I know what a deformed head looks like now and the image of a wide open spine... why was I so fucking IGNORANT?!  Why didn't I pick up on any of the signs?!  

Why didn't it enter my mind that bad things could happen to me?

And now I feel like it would be stupid of me to trust again. To feel like lightening couldn't possibly strike twice. Because it could. And it might. And I need to mentally prepare myself for that.

My first U/S is this coming Tuesday at 6.5 weeks. I am not worried about that one.  I had a late loss, not a M/C. I expect to see my baby in there. And I hope to see/hear a heartbeat if I'm far enough along.  I really hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment.  But truthfully I feel like next Tues will be fine.  It's the 12 week scan I am already scared about.  And I am petrified of the anatomy scan. Those are the hurdles I need to cross. And if I get past those, I really don't know how I'll feel.  I've never been more than 20 weeks pregnant - half baked. I have no idea what the 2nd half of pregnancy is like.  I have so much experience now with things most people will never know about but no experience with being normal.  I wasn't normal when TTC and I wasn't normal when PG. I hope to God that this pregnancy will be normal.

I hope my fear will calm down once we pass the anatomy scan.
(I hope we make it to the anatomy scan.)
I hope I'll feel connected to this baby soon.
I hope I'll be able to love this baby as much as I loved Petey.
I hope the guilt will die down eventually.
I hope I'll be able to feel excited and be able to trust and be able to let the past go.

I just hope more than anything that this baby will be healthy. 


  1. It's totally normal to ask Why, but in reality, why should you have asked? And if the doctors didn't tell you anything to be worried about, when they're the trained ones, there was no reason for you to be worried. I know how awful it is to think all these thoughts. Eventually, you will realize that nothing you did/didn't do/say could have changed the outcome, and that's a hard and powerful feeling.

    As for your rainbow pregnancy, take each day as it comes. Milestones will be hard. The point that you are more pregnant than made it with Petey may be a traumatic day, as well as happy/exciting. Rainbow pregnancies are filled with rollercoasters of emotions as you just have to figure it out, day by day, as you go as you strive to be "normal", but also take care of your physical and mental health.

  2. Oh Chickin... thank you for sharing your honest thoughts with us. I'm sending you big, huge hugs right now. I can't begin to imagine how scary this all is for you. I am so, deeply sorry for all of it. The pain, the heartache, the guilt, the fear... you don't deserve any of that. Please don't beat yourself up for "missing the signs" with Petey. Would it have changed the outcome? Sadly, I don't think it would have... nature was going to run its course regardless of your state of mind. Like you said, now you know. And I am so sorry that you do. Pain is an incredible teacher... and I share all of your hopes along with you. I hope your fear will turn to courage, I hope your doubt will turn to faith, I hope you soon see that the love you have in your heart is enough for Petey and Rainbow. I hope and pray that this baby is healthy and in your arms smiling at you after surviving this uncertain time. I love you dear.

  3. Chickie I am so sorry that you have to question/worry through this new pregnancy. Isn't it enough just dealing with IF? I wish I could say something that would make you feel like less of a dope for having trusted that Petey was developing with no problems. Having dealt with IF to get pregnant we have to try to grab every little bit of happiness in the moment - even if things don't turn out well in the end. I pray with all my might that this baby is healthy and that it is your take home baby and that all of the hopes you mention in this post come true.

  4. Huge hugs.. I am so sorry. (I hope this comes out right) But because you didn't have any reservations about your pregnancy, you believed Petey was your take home baby and you were able to love him so much. You went weeks without having heartache and instead had just pure joy and excitement for him. I think that is important to remember. Please try not to feel guilty for missing the signs, every possible take home baby deserves to feel as loved as possible, and you did that. I pray that you have no doubts with this current pregnancy and all the 'bad' signs you are naturally going to look for won't be there. Hugs

  5. I love what Nicole said. You absolutely should not beat yourself up about this. There is no such thing as "normal" even with healthy babies so there's no reason that you should have suspected anything, especially as a first time mom. I am so sorry for the extra fear and doubt that you now have. I will be praying for the health and happiness of you and your little rainbow <3 <3

  6. Chickin, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Sometimes the "Why didn't I?"s can be the most cruel questions. Each and every pregnancy is different and, as a first time Mom, there is no way to expect that you could have (or should have) known something was off.

    I hope with every ounce of my being that you have a fantastically healthy pregnancy. You are an amazing woman and mother and you deserve to have a healthy baby in your arms to share that with. Petey will always be your first baby and knowing that I'm sure that this pregnancy will be filled with so many more fears and trepidations. But I hope too, that it will be filled with more happiness than you can ever imagine. Always thinking of you and rooting for you <3

  7. I am so, so sorry you are going through all these emotions. I have so many of these myself. But the truth is... no matter how careful you are, you cannot stop what is going to happen. I often think "what if I had caught this, or that" with the boys and I realize it wouldn't have done anything if I was more diligent. The time you had with Petey was happy and not spent drowning in worrying about things you had no control over. Like you, I worry about the later months and not so much about the first trimester. I so wish that you were not robbed of the happiness and excitement that comes with pregnancy. I'm praying for a healthy and happy 9 months for you and this little one.