I don't even recognize my blog right now. Opening it up to the homepage showing a big ol' picture of a BFP just seems sooooo out of place. Like it's not mine. Like I have a guest blogger who is posting their happy news and I'm just looking on contentedly. I know I'm technically pregnant but I still just can't believe it. Especially with the way it happened - it just feels so surreal. Like every single piece fell exactly into place. Like it was meant to be. I can't wrap my brain around it.
Besides my BFP post, I don't really recognize the handful of previous posts either: Receiving signs from the universe? Writing a string of super depressing posts? These don't jive with how I've been feeling the last month+. But since August hit there have been some unbelievable lows and now some unbelievable highs.
I think I'm starting to level out a bit now.
I had been worried about getting PG again when we started TTCAL. How I would feel? Would I be able to be happy or would it just make me feel guilty since it's not Petey? Would I only feel pure fear?
But so far, I feel happy. And I'm happy that I feel happy. I'm sure there will be hard times and I'm sure my emotions will go up and down. But in the first couple days of receiving this incredible news I am glad that happiness is my main emotion.
So on to my updates!
I had my first beta this morning and it was 202. 202! At 13DPO! How can I not feel happy with that number?! (And with the ridiculous amount of love and excitement I received from my IDOB & SAIF girls and bloggy friends, how could I not be happy?!)
Hubs said I've started humming/singing to myself again. He said he hasn't heard me do that since we found out that we were going to lose Petey. That made me cry. I'm so grateful that I'm actually feeling happy all the way down to a subconscious level. I'm so grateful that I might be able to become myself again.
Also, I have officially lost 10 lbs :-) I worked hard for the last month and am proud of myself. Now that I'm pregnant though I have no idea what will happen with my weight loss. I plan to continue my healthy eating and exercise for as long as my body will allow but I remember just how difficult eating well was last time; how many foods made my stomach turn; how exhausting it was just to walk up one flight of stairs... Zumba ought to be interesting.
I am so interested to see how this pregnancy will be for me: Will I have all day morning sickness well into the 2nd trimester again? Will I crave cheeseburgers and lemonade all the time again? Or will I crave Eggos like Ally and Jen? ;-) Will I carry low like I did before? Will I only be able to sleep in one specific position again? Will I wake up every single night at 3am and get sick again? Only time will tell.
For now, I will just hope and pray that this will be our take-home baby. I am so conscious of the fact that I still have double the risk of miscarriage (due to my PCOS) but it won't help me to worry about it. I will just try to remain positive and see what happens.
Beta #2 will be Saturday AM and #3 on Monday for this little rainbow of mine :-)
Update: Beta #2 was 453!!!