Tuesday, August 12, 2014

I won't lie...

...I am a mess right now.

I can't decide if I'm happy or sad. One minute I'll be thrilled about this pregnancy and the next minute I won't be able to stop crying because a) it's not Petey and b) Petey's EDD is this week.  I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on work, I can't get the anxieties out of my head, I can't decide how I feel. 

I am coming apart at the seams more and more with each hour that brings me closer to Petey's EDD (this Friday 8/15). I am dreading it. I took the day off but I have no idea what I am going to do with myself. Hubs and I were planning to go away for a long weekend to distract ourselves but that didn't feel quite right so I kept stalling and we never made any plans.

Most loss mamas celebrate this day. I don't know if I can celebrate. I don't know what will feel right. What I do know is that I don't want to find myself waking up on Fri AM with no plans and spending the entire day in bed sobbing. I feel frozen with inaction as I just stare at this monster approaching closer and closer.

I try to remind myself that it's just a day. The percentage of women who actually give birth on their EDD is so small that it's unlikely I would have actually had Petey on Friday... maybe this could make Friday a little easier for me. But it also makes this week leading up to it harder because today might have been the day we were bringing Petey home. Or tomorrow. Or Thursday... 

I just miss him.  I'm sad.  I feel robbed. I'm mad at myself that I seem incapable of feeling as much happiness as I should right now about this new pregnancy. And I'm upset that, as I anticipated, I feel guilty about Petey when I feel happiness about this pregnancy, and I feel guilty about this new baby when I feel sad about Petey. Lose-lose. But as someone on TB Loss board said: "This new baby won't take away my love for [Petey]". I need to remember that.

After writing this I'm now thinking that I really should take this opportunity to do something meaningful for Petey this Friday. Maybe I could find a way to feel a little bit of closure and allow myself to look forward to the future and to this new pregnancy. I've already decided I want to write Petey a letter, shred it and bury it under his tree. Besides that I just don't know. 
Any ideas from you all out in the bloggy world? 

Update: I found a butterfly sanctuary that's only about 45 mins away from me. As you know, I think of Petey when I see butterflies so I think I may go there on Friday.


  1. I don't have the words or advice to help...but I do want you to know that it is okay to feel whatever you are feeling. You are still grieving for Petey, but that doesn't take away from your love for the child you are carrying. Don't ever feel guilty for that. Rainbow babies are miracles, and I think one of the main reasons that they are is because they come into your life when you need to experience happiness again, and they help you through the hard days. I think visiting the butterfly sanctuary is a beautiful idea, especially if it helps you through a tough day.

  2. I don't have any advice either, but I think the butterfly sanctuary sounds lovely! I also agree that it's okay to feel whatever you feel. Please don't feel guilty if you don't feel certain things. Everybody is different and everybody grieves and celebrates in their own way. I hope that you find the way that feels right for you. Sending you lots of love and saying some extra prayers for you guys this week <3

  3. We're in that weird, horrible, twisted world where we are still in bereavement (and probably always will be) and at the same time, celebrating a new life. There is no right or wrong way to feel and there is no right or wrong way to spend Petey's EDD. I think visiting the butterfly sanctuary would be a great way to remember your angel. I'll be thinking of you this week and praying that you find some peace.

  4. Having something fun to do on the hard days has helped me.

  5. The butterfly sanctuary sounds wonderful! I don't think that there's any right or wrong way to feel. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now, and I don't know if it will ever get better. But I'm sending you lots of love and I'm here for you if you ever need anything <3

  6. I have no words... All I can say is that I love you all. You. Your DH. Petey. Rainbow.

  7. I just wanted to say that I <3 u. I am thinking of you, Petey, your husband, and this rainbow baby this week and keeping you all in my T&P.

  8. I'm so sorry you are feeling so torn! That must be so hard. Just remember that both babies would be okay with your feelings...they are siblings after all, & I'm sure Petey would be okay with you being happy about having his/her sibling, just like I'm sure your new rainbow baby would be okay with you being sad about missing Petey. In a way, as siblings they would love each other. Maybe thinking about it this way might help alleviate some of the guilt. Hugs!