...I am a mess right now.
I can't decide if I'm happy or sad. One minute I'll be thrilled about this pregnancy and the next minute I won't be able to stop crying because a) it's not Petey and b) Petey's EDD is this week. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on work, I can't get the anxieties out of my head, I can't decide how I feel.
I am coming apart at the seams more and more with each hour that brings me closer to Petey's EDD (this Friday 8/15). I am dreading it. I took the day off but I have no idea what I am going to do with myself. Hubs
and I were planning to go away for a long weekend to distract ourselves
but that didn't feel quite right so I kept stalling and we never
made any plans.
Most loss mamas celebrate this day. I don't know if I can celebrate. I don't know what will feel right. What I do know is that I don't want to find myself waking up on Fri AM with no plans and spending the entire day in bed sobbing. I feel frozen with inaction as I just stare at this monster approaching closer and closer.
I try to remind myself that it's just a day. The percentage of women who actually give birth on their EDD is so small that it's unlikely I would have actually had Petey on Friday... maybe this could make Friday a little easier for me. But it also makes this week leading up to it harder because today might have been the day we were bringing Petey home. Or tomorrow. Or Thursday...
I just miss him. I'm sad. I feel robbed. I'm mad at myself that I seem incapable of feeling as much happiness as I should right now about this new pregnancy. And I'm upset that, as I anticipated, I feel guilty about Petey when I feel happiness about this pregnancy, and I feel guilty about this new baby when I feel sad about Petey. Lose-lose. But as someone on TB Loss board said: "This new baby won't take away my love for [Petey]". I need to remember that.
After writing this I'm now thinking that I really should take this opportunity to do something meaningful for Petey this Friday. Maybe I could find a way to feel a little bit of closure and allow myself to look forward to the future and to this new pregnancy. I've already decided I want to write Petey a letter, shred it and bury it under his tree. Besides that I just don't know.
Any ideas from you all out in the bloggy world?
Update: I found a butterfly sanctuary that's only about 45 mins away from me. As you know, I think of Petey when I see butterflies so I think I may go there on Friday.