Last chance cycle just about over.

Did anyone else picture this when they read "Last chance"?:

LAST CHANCE WORKOUT!!!

 Yikes.

So I haven't been around much this week because I am in work hell. I work on a government contract and if they don't pass the budget (+Obamacare) by Sept 30th then there will be a shutdown starting Oct 1st. Therefore, we have all been running around like chickens with our heads cuts off (how apropos!) trying to get absolutely everything taken care of that we possibly can in case we can't work next week.  Over the last 3.5 yrs, I have learned that working for the government SUCKS.  This week has been particularly stressful.

Extra stress this week is not so good because today is really my last chance to ovulate if I'm going to before starting the IVF process. I don't think there will be a miracle O this month though (negative OPKs, no CM) so I'm mentally preparing myself to move on.  I think I'm doing a pretty good job and am starting to feel ready to get this show on the road. Dare I say I may soon be feeling some excitement coming on?

Same shit, different day. (Plus a wedding!)

Friday was a rough day that may or may not have included a couple hours of me laying in bed alternately crying and staring blankly up at the ceiling.  That morning I went in for another u/s and got negative results again. I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to go again but hear me out:

I called the RE office Thursday and talked with a nurse about my thoughts on how "it's unlikely any growth has happened in the span of 2 days when nothing happened during the former 5 and so this U/S #5 is probably just a waste of time etc. etc." but she ended up persuading me to come in because as she said; "Since I O'd so late last cycle these ultrasounds later in my cycle are actually MORE important that the ones I had earlier in the cycle since I obviously don't respond to meds in a normal way."  
Okay, that made some sense.

Unfortunately though, that comment (coupled with the ever-present cramping in my ovaries) planted an evil little seed of hope in me which was promptly squashed as soon as the nurse said "Well, ::sigh::, your ovaries seem to just be growing more little follies in there but with no additional growth to speak of". As soon as the words were out of her mouth I immediately (and unexpectedly) burst out crying. Ugh, I HATE crying in the office and I'm pretty sure I scared some poor girl who happened to be walking past us on her way in to what was obviously one of her first appointments (scared little mouse/deer in headlights look). I feel sort of bad about that one.

So the nurse and I sat down and discussed the anticipated calendar for IVF #1. She said that although they are now considering this cycle canceled, it makes sense for me to wait until next week to take more Provera JUST in case I happen to miraculously O late again. My body has until this coming Friday to do something if it's gonna but if not then it's b/w and more Provera. With the new cycle, I'll be starting BCPs and they'll schedule me for the IVF class.  On this timeline it looks like the egg retrieval (ER) will likely end up being the week before Thanksgiving with the embryo transfer (ET) hopefully 5 days later. That means by the beginning of December I will know if we have a little chicken nugget growing in there!


In related news;
Hubs and I attended his step-sister's wedding last night (so I guess she's my step-sister-in-law?). She is weird and her husband is even weirder and they are now the only other young married couple on that side of the family besides us. I know for a fact that they are going to start TTC immediately and I am completely serious when I say that if these two dummies get pregnant before we do then I might lose my shit!! I know I shouldn't be judgmental but they are so young and do NOT have their shit together (e.g., unstable jobs, still run to daddy for help with everything, don't seem to have a good relationship [most of the family has alluded to the fact that they think this marriage won't last]...) and I LOVE my mother-in-law and reeeeeeaaaaally want to be the one to give her her first grandchild. Sigh. I mentioned it to Hubs and I don't think he understands why that is important to me. He seems to think that because he is her flesh and blood, that his mother will...what?  Love our baby more? Feel like our baby is more special?  Ummm, no. All babies are wonderful and amazing and there is only ONE first grandchild in a family. You can't duplicate that feeling. I don't care how shallow I sound - I want my MIL to feel that way about MY child! ::stomps feet:: 
Come on IVF #1!!! Pleeeeease work for us!!!!!

And now for something completely different...

LOL!  I love this because A) it's random and ridiculous and makes me laugh, and B) It makes me think of Jen!

I felt like changing it up today because I am like a broken record of negativity lately. I know it's bad when I'm even annoying mySELF!  


And NOW for the negativity, haha:

So I had another ultrasound this morning and there was no additional growth to speak of, still nothing measurable. It was exactly what I expected so I really didn't even have a reaction to it even though the U/S Tech and nurses were all in I'm-so-sorry-consoling mode. Honestly I was really just kind of peeved to go through it all since I had to drive myself in (45 mins each way) with my bad back since Hubs is sick. I'm paying for it now with the back pain. 

As I said in the IDOB check-in this morning, my regular nurse wasn't there today and I got the distinct impression that the other nurses just don't know what to do with me. They scheduled me for another u/s on Friday AM (doesn't make much sense to me since I had almost zero growth in the last 5 days so I'm not quite sure why they think something would happen during the next 2 but whatever) and said that if it's still nothing they'll bring me back again on Monday and in the meantime they'll talk with the RE.  

I'm thinking...not. I think I'll call tomorrow to try to talk with my regular nurse about more logical next steps.  Monday makes some sense to me but I highly doubt anything's going to happen between now and Friday so I'd just be wasting more time and money.  Also, right now I'm honestly just sick of the pitiful looks and compassionate words from the nurses so I really don't want to be in there any more than necessary lately. 

At this point I want to just be done with this cycle so we can move on with  IVF (i.e.: a plan that might actually have some hope of working for us). 

Sorry I'm so negative lately.

On the bright side, my RE office has a "lending library" and I spied a brand-y new copy of "What He Can Expect When She's NOT Expecting" which I nabbed and brought home for Hubs.  He actually said he's really looking forward to reading it (I am too!) so that's exciting :-)

ARGH!!!

Over the weekend I threw my back out. Arrrgggghhhh! SO frustrating!! But all I can really do is laugh about it at this point... 

God, I am such a Debbie Downer lately!  Honestly I have been feeling a little better mentally but this is not helping matters.

I didn't even do anything to hurt it either, just twisted funny and out it went. Luckily though, the injury isn't as bad as it's been in the past so hopefully I'll be feeling okay in a couple more days. Hubs and I are supposed to be having EOD sex right now just in case I happen to magically O late again this month but I don't think that's gonna be happening since I'm pretty much immobile right now and we're not really into necrophilia.

I was supposed to go in again tomorrow AM (CD18) for a final ultrasound to see if there has been any progress on the follies but I rescheduled for Wed morning and am keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be well enough to ride in the car for 1.5 hrs if Hubby drives. If, for some reason, we find my follies ARE actually growing in there I'm going to ask about whether I could convert this cycle into an IUI since TI really isn't an option.

I've kind of given up caring at this point and am just waiting to move on and start the IVF process.

Moving on.

This morning I had the third ultrasound of this cycle and there were still no follies large enough to be measurable.  I am officially sick of this. I think this was it for me; I think I'm done with trying "naturally".  I'm to the point where I just feel sort of numb to it all. Hell, the nurses had more of a reaction to the disappointing results today than I did!  

After the u/s I went to my therapist appointment and just felt indifferent. I barely cried this time, I didn't have much to say... I think I'm just done.  I think it's time to accept the fact that it's now time to move on to the 'main event': IVF. 

I'd been apprehensive about moving on to IVF since it felt like such a leap.  For some reason I felt like I really had to "earn" that procedure; I'd have to first put in my time with Clomid, then Femara, then injects and then multiple failed IUIs. And once we'd tried everything possible and NONE of it worked, then and only then would we start the IVF process. In my mind, IVF is the end of the road: The last stop on this rollercoaster ride of IF. IVF is the place I hoped I'd never have to get to and now I find myself here so quickly...

This is our 16th month of trying. To most people, that's a long time TTC. Don't get me wrong, I feel like it's a long time too but in the world of IF it's not very long at all. Many people try for years and years and years before ever making it to this place that I now find myself in.  I feel like I'm somehow cheating the "system" by jumping ahead. I feel guilty, like I'm somehow cutting the line in front of all these women I've met through 3TC and IDOB who have been trying for longer and have shed way more tears than I have and carry the battle scars to prove it. I feel like I haven't earned it.

Logically I know that's ridiculous. We all have different paths yada yada yada.  And again, logically I know that if the RE can't make me ovulate then there's a zero % chance I will become pregnant.  If I can't O we're never going to go through IUIs since there's no egg for the sperm to meet. I get that. I get that IVF really is my only hope if I can't O. It's just that my logical mind and my emotional self haven't seemed to want to get on the same page about it.

The other reason I'd been apprehensive about IVF is because I feel like it's the end of the line.  If we do 'X' number of IVF cycles and it doesn't work then that's it for us. End of story. I am scared to death that I'm fast forwarding to the end of this story of ours just to find that there is no happy ending.

In spite of all this, I am slowly starting to feel better about moving on to IVF. Honestly, I just really don't want to go through another cycle of feeling like this so I'm ready to move on. I'm coming to terms with the fact that this will have to be our path and that is okay. Maybe it's time to try to feel positive again.

Quick update (CD11)

I had me an ultrasound this morning to check on them thar follies.  Nada.  Lots o' little ones as usual but nothing measurable. Again.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't more hopeful this time around since I'm trying a new med and reaaaally want to have a response.  I'm not surprised about these results though.  I'll be going back for another follie scan on Friday AM. If there's still nothing measurable then I'm pretty sure it's over and we'll make the plan for IVF next cycle.  Sigh.

In related news, I had a very fun 3-day weekend out of town with friends and had some drinks. That was apparently a REALLY bad idea.  Take it from me: Letrozole and drinking do not mix. I have never had such a strange and unpleasant feeling. It was kind of a headache I suppose but really, it felt like someone hit the back of my head/nape of my neck with a baseball bat. The strange pain radiated up and through my brain and down around my neck and shoulders. I took a bunch of ibuprofen (a no-no when TTC but it was the only thing around), drank a ton of water and took a 2 hr nap. Luckily I felt better when I woke up but holy crap. I will never do that again. Fortunately for my friends, that meant they had an automatic DD the whole rest of the weekend. Unfortunately for me, I learned that tailgating before a football game while sober really is not the same experience.

First Therapy Appt

I met with the therapist (aka: Dr. G) for the first time today. Honestly, I didn't really feel like going since I've been feeling pretty good lately (I've been wondering if my last meltdown was an effect of the post-O progesterone coursing through my body since it's not used to it??) but I figured the appt was already booked and it couldn't hurt, right?  So...I went.  And I cried the whole. damn. time. I don't even know why either! I just couldn't stop the tears. I think it's likely because (as Dr. G says;) it was a "safe place" to let my emotions out. Once I realized I could let my guard down, the tears just came and there was nothing I could do. 

I realized that I really do swallow my IF-related emotions. I put on a happy face so the rest of the world doesn't know how much I am hurting but those emotions are always just below the surface threatening to break through. Today when I was given the opportunity to not have to hide them and encouraged to actually explore them, I learned that although I've been "feeling good" lately there is still a lot of sadness and disappointment and anger and other emotions caused by IF that I don't often truly let myself feel.  

For some reason, I haven't been granting myself the permission to feel these emotions because my logical brain tells me that I don't have the right to feel sorry for myself when many others have it so much worse than I do. I feel selfish being so upset. And I feel silly for having a hard time emotionally. I think Dr. G will help me learn that these feelings are valid and it's okay to feel them.

I like Dr. G and made another appt for next Friday. I'm hoping seeing her and talking through things will help me unravel the jumble of thoughts and emotions that are whirling around in my brain. 
 
And here's something: Not only does Dr. G have personal experience with infertility so she understands exactly what I'm going through, but she actually went to the exact same RE I see! Small world.



In other news, I am currently on the 3rd day of Letrozole. No noticeable side effects so far and I'm hoping it stays that way!  U/S to check follies is on Tues AM. I am very interested to see if I will have any response to the Let.