Friday, September 13, 2013

Moving on.

This morning I had the third ultrasound of this cycle and there were still no follies large enough to be measurable.  I am officially sick of this. I think this was it for me; I think I'm done with trying "naturally".  I'm to the point where I just feel sort of numb to it all. Hell, the nurses had more of a reaction to the disappointing results today than I did!  

After the u/s I went to my therapist appointment and just felt indifferent. I barely cried this time, I didn't have much to say... I think I'm just done.  I think it's time to accept the fact that it's now time to move on to the 'main event': IVF. 

I'd been apprehensive about moving on to IVF since it felt like such a leap.  For some reason I felt like I really had to "earn" that procedure; I'd have to first put in my time with Clomid, then Femara, then injects and then multiple failed IUIs. And once we'd tried everything possible and NONE of it worked, then and only then would we start the IVF process. In my mind, IVF is the end of the road: The last stop on this rollercoaster ride of IF. IVF is the place I hoped I'd never have to get to and now I find myself here so quickly...

This is our 16th month of trying. To most people, that's a long time TTC. Don't get me wrong, I feel like it's a long time too but in the world of IF it's not very long at all. Many people try for years and years and years before ever making it to this place that I now find myself in.  I feel like I'm somehow cheating the "system" by jumping ahead. I feel guilty, like I'm somehow cutting the line in front of all these women I've met through 3TC and IDOB who have been trying for longer and have shed way more tears than I have and carry the battle scars to prove it. I feel like I haven't earned it.

Logically I know that's ridiculous. We all have different paths yada yada yada.  And again, logically I know that if the RE can't make me ovulate then there's a zero % chance I will become pregnant.  If I can't O we're never going to go through IUIs since there's no egg for the sperm to meet. I get that. I get that IVF really is my only hope if I can't O. It's just that my logical mind and my emotional self haven't seemed to want to get on the same page about it.

The other reason I'd been apprehensive about IVF is because I feel like it's the end of the line.  If we do 'X' number of IVF cycles and it doesn't work then that's it for us. End of story. I am scared to death that I'm fast forwarding to the end of this story of ours just to find that there is no happy ending.

In spite of all this, I am slowly starting to feel better about moving on to IVF. Honestly, I just really don't want to go through another cycle of feeling like this so I'm ready to move on. I'm coming to terms with the fact that this will have to be our path and that is okay. Maybe it's time to try to feel positive again.


  1. I'm so sorry :(

    You're right that everyone has their own path and there's no point comparing other people's struggles to your own. It's really hard not to compare, though, and I have felt the same way - guilty about feeling sorry for myself when so many other women have it way harder. But this is your journey and you are allowed to feel however it makes you feel.

    ((hugs)) to you.

    1. Thanks SP. That's a good point and it's funny because I think I've said very similar things to other women (and fully believe that it's true!) but when it applies to me I struggle with feeling like I have the right to do so.

  2. Oh my god, Chickin... I feel like I could have written this post... everything about it... the feelings of complete apathy in the face of disaster, feeling like I'm cheating the system and cutting the line, the fear of 'what if this doesn't work,' the looming 'end of the road'... I am right there with you and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this too. I've spent the past week grieving, and for a while I didn't understand what my loss was. But then I figured out that for me, I am grieving the loss of a natural conception that isn't scarred with infertility... I'm so sorry, my dear, and I wish these ((hugs)) were real.

  3. I can understand what you mean about feeling like you are skipping ahead of the line. With IF there will always be someone who has been trying longer or has done more treatments, and you can feel for them, but if you have the opportunity to do the treatment that will yield the best results then that is what you should do for you guys.

    I wish you the best of luck starting IVF!

  4. I'm sorry Chickin. PPs were much more eloquent than I am right now, but I wanted to send my love and lots of big squishy hugs!! I am rooting so hard for you! <3