Friday, September 6, 2013

First Therapy Appt

I met with the therapist (aka: Dr. G) for the first time today. Honestly, I didn't really feel like going since I've been feeling pretty good lately (I've been wondering if my last meltdown was an effect of the post-O progesterone coursing through my body since it's not used to it??) but I figured the appt was already booked and it couldn't hurt, right?  So...I went.  And I cried the whole. damn. time. I don't even know why either! I just couldn't stop the tears. I think it's likely because (as Dr. G says;) it was a "safe place" to let my emotions out. Once I realized I could let my guard down, the tears just came and there was nothing I could do. 

I realized that I really do swallow my IF-related emotions. I put on a happy face so the rest of the world doesn't know how much I am hurting but those emotions are always just below the surface threatening to break through. Today when I was given the opportunity to not have to hide them and encouraged to actually explore them, I learned that although I've been "feeling good" lately there is still a lot of sadness and disappointment and anger and other emotions caused by IF that I don't often truly let myself feel.  

For some reason, I haven't been granting myself the permission to feel these emotions because my logical brain tells me that I don't have the right to feel sorry for myself when many others have it so much worse than I do. I feel selfish being so upset. And I feel silly for having a hard time emotionally. I think Dr. G will help me learn that these feelings are valid and it's okay to feel them.

I like Dr. G and made another appt for next Friday. I'm hoping seeing her and talking through things will help me unravel the jumble of thoughts and emotions that are whirling around in my brain. 
And here's something: Not only does Dr. G have personal experience with infertility so she understands exactly what I'm going through, but she actually went to the exact same RE I see! Small world.

In other news, I am currently on the 3rd day of Letrozole. No noticeable side effects so far and I'm hoping it stays that way!  U/S to check follies is on Tues AM. I am very interested to see if I will have any response to the Let.


  1. I'm so happy you found a safe place to let your guard down and allow yourself to acknowledge all of these feelings. It can be so cathartic to just let it out. I'm trying to take Cici's advice and surrender - it sounds so liberating! I'm glad it went well and that you're going back. And what a small world! Fx that the Letrozole doesn't cause negative side effects and the u/s on Tues goes well :) <3

    1. Thanks J! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow when I'm right across the lake! :-)

  2. I'm so glad that you went and got so much out of the appointment! We discussed the topic of rationalizing emotions at the session I went to earlier this week. The nurses said that I am trying to rationalize something that is not rational. This journey is almost entirely emotional, so I guess their point was to stop beating myself up trying to make sense of all this and assume that I should feel a certain way. That's a hard thing to do for an OCD/Type A personality! It sounds like Dr. G is perfect for you. I'm so glad you are going back & hope you continue to find it helpful :)