What a year.
What an amazing and devastating year this has been for me and my husband. The highs have been so high and the lows so crushingly low I don't even know how to describe them.
At this time last year I was finally pregnant for the first time due to IVF. All I felt was hope and happiness. I had "beaten" infertility and only saw smooth sailing in my future. But my path took a much different turn than I ever would have expected and thrust me into a whole new community: the Loss community; the TFMR community. Groups I never would have wanted to be a part of but groups where I found strength, and support, and love. And I hope I was able to offer that to some of those incredibly strong women as well. Though I'm no longer very active with these groups I still think of these women and their children almost every day.
Three days really stand out in my mind this year: March 19, March 27, August 5.
March 27th, the day we said goodbye to Petey, was one of the hardest days of my life. But harder still was the day we found out we would need to say goodbye: March 19th. That horrible day that I will never forget in that doctor's office. I've never written about it in detail but that day is and will remain one of the most vivid memories of my life. Sitting there, hunched over on the edge of that ultrasound bench in that hot, darkened U/S room, crying harder than I ever knew was possible while we received wave after wave of horrible news about this little baby I was carrying that we worked SO hard for and loved SO much but would never get to see or bring home or watch grow. I disassociated partway through it and found myself looking down on the scene, watching myself slumped there, crying so so hard into my husband's chest; crying out every last ounce of hope I had for our future and trust I had in the world. It was... animalistic. It was without a shred of self-consciousness. It was the day that prompted the perinatologist to write in my medical history: "This couple is devastated." That we were, Doc. That we were. Losing Petey was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.
Heh, it sounds so simple to write that: It was hard. Yeah, hard. But that word, in no way, can describe what it is like to experience a loss like this. To have to make a choice like this and then have to live with the consequences and the guilt and the pain and the sadness every single day. There is no way to describe it unless you have been there. This is something that changes you forever and gives you a different perspective forever. I can understand why this breaks some people. Why they never "get over it". I feel lucky actually. Lucky that I am "okay". That I have been able to find ways to move on in healthy ways and that, though I love and miss my Petey and ache to hold him in my arms every single day, I am able to have perspective on my loss and my grief and be able to still live a happy and grateful life.
And I am grateful. Not for what we went through but for where we are now. I am so happy to be 6 months pregnant with this little boy. I cannot wait to meet him and love him and raise him. HE is my unbelievable high for the year.
Which brings me to my third unforgettable date: August 5th. Not the day I found out I was pregnant again and amazingly, without infertility treatments this time (that was actually the following morning), but the day I saw my rainbow and felt hope for my future again. That day was a turning point for me in my grieving process and gave me strength to move forward. I still struggle each day with being able to trust that everything will be okay but I have learned that there really is no other option. What will be will be, good or bad, and I just need to live and be thankful for what I have.
I miss my Petey, my first baby, and I love him.
I am excited about this new healthy little baby I'm now carrying and I love him.
My relationship with my husband is stronger than I thought possible as a result of everything we have gone through together.
I have hope for the future.
What's better than that?!
The new year
also marks my 2-year blogiversary; 2 years, 268 posts, 1487 comments, and more than 70 THOUSAND pageviews (that absolutely blows my mind)!
This blog has meant a LOT to me
over the last 2 years: It has helped keep me sane through infertility and pregnancy and loss and grief; it has helped me
sort out and come to terms with my feelings and move forward; it has connected me to
some incredible, strong, and supportive women who have become real friends.
THANK YOU to everyone who has been a part of my journey. It has been a rocky road and your unwavering support and friendship has meant more to me than I know how to express.
Here's hoping that the hope and excitement I felt at this time last year and what I feel now will be my reality in 2015. Happy New Year! :-)