Sad and Annoyed

As you probably deduced by my blog post title, I am sad and annoyed.

This was my first medicated cycle (50mg Clomid + timed intercourse) and it appears it was a bust. Today is CD21 and I have not O'd.  I am sad.

The reason I am annoyed is because of my stupid RE not monitoring this cycle. And I'm annoyed with myself too since I knew better because of everything I've learned on TB. I should have pushed my RE to monitor even though he finds it to be "completely unnecessary during the first Clomid cycle since it will either work or it won't".  Well, apparently it won't, and since there was no monitoring I don't know if I had zero response or if it almost worked but couldn't quite get there so maybe (due to the cumulative effect of Clomid) another 50mg next cycle will be all I need to O and 100mg would be overkill. I would think this would be important info that the RE would want to have, no? Frustrating. I feel like I wasted a chance for more info and that was stupid of me and stupid of him IMO.

Here's the other annoyance: I'm pretty sure I have a cyst on my right ovary. However, since there was no mid-cycle u/s, I wouldn't know.  I've had ovary pain & cramping since CD10 (day after last pill) and it hasn't stopped. I can actually FEEL my right ovary.  Me thinks that is not good. The pain is pretty dull so I haven't been worried yet but it hasn't gone away or lessened over the last 2 weeks so that bums me out because I'm worried I'm going to be benched next cycle and have to take BCPs until the cyst goes down.

I'm supposed to call the RE's office on CD24 since I haven't O'd (confirmed by neg OPKs and low temps) so I'm interested to hear the plan for next steps. I know I definitely need an u/s to check out righty and that better be the first thing out of his mouth or I might have to think about whether this is the right RE for me.  Thankfully, he did say during our last appt that he does do full monitoring for every clomid cycle after the first so I'll definitely be ensuring that that happens (CD3 b/w & u/s, mid-cycle u/s to check follies, and b/w to check progesterone 7DPO assuming I O sometime in this century).

Whew - I feel better now that I got that off my chest. I've been avoiding TB check-ins over the past couple weeks and even my own BLOG! (ridiculous!) because I knew it would be obvious I was not being properly monitored and I didn't want to hear it from any of you helpful ladies who know better because I'm apparently a child.  I'm mad at myself for not pushing the RE and advocating for myself. I was worried that if I did that I'd be viewed as a high maintenance or pushy patient and didn't want the RE or nurses to be frustrated/annoyed with me. Dumb.

So with this waste of a cycle, it brings me full 'round to close out the first craptastic year of TTC: A year in which I did not O even ONCE and had exactly zero % chance of making a baby despite all our efforts.

Hmm, this is not a very good mindframe to start my day. So instead, I leave you with this:

So close! Haha