Thursday, May 2, 2013

I've got a plan! (It's name is Clomid)

Hubby and I met with the RE today for a follow up appt since I have now finished all my diagnostic testing. He said everything looks great, we just need to get me ovulating!
He gave me a Rx for more Provera (10mg for 5 days instead of the 5mg for 10 days like I'd been taking every other cycle), I took a HPT to confirm what I already knew (NOT pregnant), and I'll start the Rx tonight. I should expect my period sometime between next Thursday and the following Monday (5/13) and then I'll be starting 50 mg Clomid days 5-9 of the new cycle! I am praying I respond to the 50mg.

When we left the RE's today, my hubby gave me a big hug and was so pumped. I wasn't. I don't really know why though. Those exclamation points I wrote up there in the first paragraph are total lies. I should probably be happy and relieved that the only problem we seem to have (fingers crossed)  is that I don't O....right? Then why do I feel so numb about it? Why do I sort of feel like crying?

Maybe it's that I can't lie to myself anymore. Maybe it's that the whole infertility thing is real now.  I now have a medication sitting on my counter with paperwork that says it's use is "to treat infertility in women".  I guess I'm finally admitting to myself that I am dealing with infertility. For almost a year now I've just told myself that my hormones need to be regulated - that's all! Or, that we were just going through "testing" - Testing is easy!  But now I'm officially in the treatment phase. 
I don't know, it seems sort of stupid typing it all out. I guess it's just something I have to wrap my head around...

Rationally, I know it isn't a big deal - I'm just taking some pills and going to some monitoring appointments. There's no injections, no IUI or IVF, we're just doing timed intercourse.  There are so many women who are so much further along in this journey who would probably equate Clomid + TI to taking a break! It's not the action of actually taking the meds that is getting to me, it's what it signifies;

Brutal honesty? I'm scared. I am really scared that it isn't going to work - not this 1st round of Clomid specifically, but trying to treat my infertility in general. I am scared that I am now about to take the first official step that is going to lead me down a path that could end in NEVER being able to get pregnant.  I've seen it before - with BOTH of my sisters (one is CFNBC, one with SIF).  I am scared to death that it's going to happen to me too.  

However, there is no reason to think that way. I've already passed many of the hurdles my sisters faced that took them out of the running and I'm still going. Like some of the ladies on TB have said; "another woman's fertility has no effect on your own."  That's true. Granted, in this case we share genes, but that still doesn't mean that because they can't get pregnant (/get PG again) that I won't be able to have children.  Only time will tell, I guess.  In the meantime I will focus on the fact that I have had almost all good news so far. 
I have a plan, and I'm moving forward.  Wish me luck!


  1. Hey Chickie! I am excited you are able to start you first round of Clomid. While I know the IF feels more "real" now at least you can start to "battle" it and hopefully make some real progress (such as ovulating).

    And remember - IF hits people big or small, rich or poor, it isn't something you did to be in this place - IF just kind of floats around and ended up landing on us. Keep your head up and try not to be ashamed that you have to go through treatments.

    I wish you the best of luck in this round!

  2. definitely thinking of you & hoping this first round of Clomid will trigger the big "O"! I could see how it would seem daunting, but hopefully once your body starts responding you'll start to feel excited & more hopeful. Wishing the best for you!! ;)

  3. I hope everything works out for you and you respond well to everything. Sorry it must suck to really realize your dealing with IF. Hang in there though!

  4. I totally feel you about the actually realization of infertility. It took me a while to wrap my head around the fact that that "infertility" word described me. No me as a whole, but just me in my ttc journey. It definitely became more real once I had an RE appointment, then even more real once testing started...once the actual treatment got here there was no denying it. I really hope this first round works for you. Keep your chin up chick!

  5. Oh, yeah, I am right there with you. At first I was in total denial, but now I'm starting to accept it for what it is. I hope that the clomid is all it takes for you!