TTCAL...after IF

I came to a surprising realization today that I'm GLAD we're benched.  I'm not glad for the reason since it's due to high blood pressure, but I think I'm glad that the decision was taken out of my hands.

Bear with me while I try to make sense of my feelings here...

I had expressed my ambivalence previously about moving forward with a FET but it's only now that the decision has been made for us that I'm realizing I didn't feel very good about it.  A few weeks ago I couldn't think of a good concrete reason why NOT to move forward with starting up IF treatments again so I concluded that that meant I should just go for it. ["Get busy living or get busy dying", right RR? ;-) ] But now that the decision has been made for us and I can take a step back and allow myself to feel my feelings I've realized I'm not ready for all that again. 

I don't want to live that life again. The infertility life, I mean. I don't want all the doctor's appointments and the medications and the all-encompassing thoughts that come along with it.  IF runs your life.  It ran my life for 1.5 years and then pregnancy ran my life for 5 months.  After that, grief ran my life and while sometimes it still does, I am trying to find a way for me to run my OWN life again. I barely even remember how that feels. By jumping right back into IF treatments I am giving it that power again and I think it's that which I am not ready for.

I think this because Hubs and I are still TTC on our own (in a bed, just me and him as is the experience of most normal couples). And I feel good about it! I think I would be okay and happy with a spontaneous pregnancy so I don't think it's the prospect of being pregnant again which I struggle with, I think it's the idea of facing (fighting) infertility again. 

The title of this blog post; "TTCAL...after IF" I guess is really about the two things I'm struggling with: The complicated feelings associated with trying again after a devastating loss; and those which accompany trying again after battling infertility. Both things have scarred me deeply but in very different ways.  And I'm surprised to come to the realization that in trying to move forward, I think TTC again after IF is a bigger mountain for me to climb right now.

Mt Katahdin, Maine: End of the Appalachian Trail and my old stomping grounds

I know I have very little (if any) chance of conceiving again without a FET but for now I'm just not ready. I am taking advantage of these next few months to get healthier and focus on me instead of wasting all my energy on trying to control things I can't control. Hopefully somewhere along the way I'll gain a new perspective and new strength and will eventually feel ready again.

Weight-loss Check in: Week 1

Weight loss this week: 4 lbs! (4 lbs total, 16 to go!)

Healthy eating highlights: I did great with eating healthy this week. I made some dinners which I *hate* doing, but it was okay because it gave me lots of leftovers for other meals! 

Exercise highlights: Tuesday's Zumba class was canceled, which I found out via a flimsy piece of paper taped to the locked gym door so since I was already in workout clothes I decided to go for a long walk then came home and did some strength training. Yay me. 

Goals for upcoming week:

• 3 Zumba classes + at least 2 days strength training
• Keep up the healthy eating and cooking dinners!

Thoughts:I'm proud of myself for getting back into the swing of healthy eating so quickly and already making progress. I know that 4 lbs in a week is a fluke and is likely water weight but it's good motivation anyway. I am looking forward to being back in the 100's when I step on the scale next week!

Good news & new plan

Good news - I heard from my RE's nurse and I do NOT need surgery to remove my ute blobs! HOORAAAAAH!!!

So now that I don't have to worry about that, all I need to do is lose some weight and hope that it lowers my blood pressure. I do still have to meet with my PCP for a check-up to see what she says but even if she suggests giving me high BP meds I am pretty sure I'm going to refuse and ask for the chance to lower it myself through diet & exercise.

So, it looks like I'm back to focusing on my health and posting weekly health check-ins!  
Accountability time:

Starting weight: 204.5
Goal weight: 184.5 

I would, of course, love to lose more than that but this is the current goal because the nurse suggested losing 20 lbs and then seeing where we are with moving forward with the FET. Based on past weight loss I think I'm looking at approx 3 months of hard work to get there.

As an adult, this is the heaviest I have ever been and the smallest was 130 (I looked sickly at that weight) but I do remember 155 feeling like a perfect healthy, happy weight for me so I would love to get back there again at some point.  That would be a 50lb weight loss which feels overwhelming to me right now so I am going to stick with this current goal of 20lbs and see how I do.  
I have to say, I hate looking at that number: 204.5. I told myself last year when I saw the scale hit 200 for the first time ever that I would never let myself see that number again unless I was pregnant. Well, I saw it again when I was pregnant and now I'm still there even though I am no longer pregnant. Time to make a change so I can get healthier, lower my BP and start feeling good about myself again.

Yesterday I threw out all junk food and white bread in the house then Iwent grocery shopping and got a bunch of healthy foods. I also cooked dinner last night and made a plan for the next few nights. I am really proud of myself for that one. I hate cooking and for some reason, planning meals in advance is the bane of my existence.  That will be the biggest challenge for me but I'm starting out on a good foot.

I'll do an official health check-in post next week! 

Or.....not.

My last blog post was titled "Messy and uncertain but moving forward".  Mmmm, not so much. It looks like we're benched.

I've visited the RE twice since that last post. The first time I met with the dr. for baseline B/W, discussed what happened with my pregnancy and surgery and determined next steps on moving forward with a FET.

The second time I met with the RE was yesterday. I went in for a hysteroscopy and he found polyps still left in my uterus. He said it's possible I will need surgery to remove them depending on the location and that he needs to take a closer look at the pics and video to see for sure. I should be finding out this afternoon whether or not I will need surgery. They also discovered yesterday that I now have high blood pressure. It was 144/90. I have never had high BP before. It has always been perfect or even a tad bit low so this is new for me. The nurse took my BP (twice) when I was in last week too but said it was likely elevated because of the anxiety of being back there again. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case. The doc wants me to go see my PCP to get checked out. He expects they will tell me to lose weight (I'm 10 lbs heavier than I was when I started IVF) and that they might want to put me on medication for it. (No thank you, I do not want to take more meds.)  I will also need to meet with someone in Maternal Fetal Medicine to discuss the risks of getting pregnant right now with high BP as it increases the risk of Pre-Eclampsia.  

::sigh::  I'm starting to fall into pity party mode. I know I brought the BP thing on myself with my extra weight gain but jesus! It's only 10 lbs!  Between leftover baby weight and deep depression over everything we've been through I am proud of myself that I didn't gain 3 times that amount! I exercise regularly and don't eat horribly (both of which I have to work at) but I guess the fact is I will just have to suck it up and put myself on a diet. It is what it is. I can take responsibility for that. 

But the thought of another surgery... that is a bit of a nightmare for me right now. Even just going in for the procedure yesterday was tough. For some reason I felt more...violated yesterday than I have since I first started seeing the RE at the beginning of 2013. Now it's not so easy for me to just detach from what's happening during a procedure - I can't force myself to think about the errands I have to run and what to make for dinner. Instead, I am acutely, painfully aware that the last time I saw my uterus my precious baby was growing inside of it and the last time a doctor entered my cervix it was to rip him/her out of it. Most women have no knowledge of any of this. Most women make love to their husbands, discover their periods should have come the week before, take a test, rejoice, go through 9 healthy months of pregnancy and then deliver perfect babies.  Not me. Not us.

I held it together in the doctor's office but cried on the way home. I am just sad and disappointed and I guess frustrated.  I really had to work to get to a place where I felt okay to move forward and start TTC again and now that I'm there I'm told we need to wait again. I hadn't realized how important it was to me to have a plan and a timeline and something to look forward to. It's so frustrating feeling like you're just at the mercy of the shifting winds. I'm sick of telling myself to be patient and have faith.  I'm tired.

I really appreciate all the love on Facebook from my IDOB ladies. I know I haven't been around much but I so appreciate you still caring and offering support when I need it the most. <3

Messy and uncertain but moving forward

My head is a bit of a mess.  To the point where writing a comprehensive blog post isn't really possible lately so this is what you get instead :-)

I took a test today at 14DPO and it was stark white.  I don't have the energy to try to express all the conflicting emotions I feel about that.

However, despite my continued uncertainty as to whether TTC again is what will help move me out of this low place or if finding a way to move out of this on my own before TTCAL is the better plan, I've decided I am sick of feeling unsure and afraid. I am an action-oriented person so I am taking action: Hubs and I are meeting with the RE on Thursday to start the process for FET #1.  In the last week I had all my medical records from the pregnancy and D&E (from my OB, Periontologist and Operating Dr [3 different hospitals])  sent to the RE's office and have secured another 6 months of referrals from my PCP.

Ready or not, here we come.