Friday, October 3, 2014

12 week check-in

~*~*~*~*~*WARNING: For anyone looking for TFMR-related posts, you may want to skip to the very bottom of this post and read just the part labeled "Randoms"*~*~*~*~*~

How Far Along: 12 weeks!  "Week 12 signifies the first milestone for you and your baby. The major organs are now formed and will continue to develop and your baby will now focus on growth. At this time the chances of miscarriage are greatly reduced."

Baby is the Size of a: Plum. S/he was just under 2 inches last week so she might actually be closer to the size of a peach now.

Total Weight Change: -3 lbs

Showing Yet?: The blump can no longer be hidden (but it still won't be cute for a handful of weeks). I'm starting to get funny looks at work.

Maternity Clothes?:  Not yet. I'm currently at the yucky in-between stage where the bloat makes regular pants extremely uncomfortable but the maternity pants are still too big. I hate the belly band and there's no option to use the hair-tie-trick with work pants.

Stretch Marks?: No new ones

Sleep:  A little bit better! I was having a lot of hip pain from sleeping on my sides but this week I bought an amazing Serta 2.5inch memory foam mattress topper for my side of the bed that's so squishy it's like I'm sleeping on a cloud!!  (It's kind of ridiculous though since I'm now so much higher than Hubs even though we're in the same bed - I feel like I'm going to roll down the hill onto him in the middle of the night.)

Symptoms: I got a prescription for Zofran last week and my nausea is now SO MUCH MORE MANAGEABLE.  I have cried with happiness and relief multiple times over the last week because of this - especially because it is helping me eat, sleep, and stay hydrated which I desperately needed.

Food Cravings/Aversions: Still having a hard time eating a lot of foods (meat & veggies especially) and nothing sounds good. Really I just don't feel like eating. Most carbs are doable at least.  I've been eating lots of Rice Krispies lately.

Miss Anything?: Being able to exercise. I hate feeling sick and weak. I miss Zumba.

Mood: This week? Not so good. The sadness crept in and has stuck around. I miss Petey.  Last week was 6 months since we said goodbye, then we had our scare at the OB on Friday, then a thread on one of my online groups really upset me early in the week... That has all kind of stayed with me unfortunately. I'm feeling a little fragile and on the verge of depressed lately. Luckily, it is FINALLY sunny today so I'm hoping that will help.

Best Moment of the Week: One word: ZOFRAN!
Upcoming Appointments: This coming Tuesday is my NT scan. More about that below.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Seeing our baby again on Tuesday. I hope everything will be looking good.

Randoms: I have my NT scan on Tuesday with Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM). I also have a meeting with Erica, the genetic counselor.
I am afraid to see Erica again. She is the one we saw back in March who first broke it to us that most people choose to terminate a pregnancy with the severity of Petey's problems.  I was not at ALL prepared to hear that. I was still in IF-fight mode, still amazed the IVF worked, still so thankful just to be pregnant. The night before we met with Erica was the night I got a phone call from my midwife who said she had the results of my anatomy scan and that there were some problems and we needed MFM to look closer to see what we were working with.  Hubs and I had spent the entire night before and all that morning trying to convince ourselves to keep calm and not think the worst and then we saw Erica and the first thing out of her mouth was an apology and that I wasn't too far along yet that termination was still an option as long as we "moved quickly". We were dumbfounded and completely confused.  We thought we were there for MFM to look into things further but really they already knew just how bad it was and it was already time to talk about our limited options. The meaning of the word "terminate" did not even register in my mind when she said it. It just didn't make sense to me and I mentally dismissed it.  I was mad she even said that word to me. Why on earth would we even consider that option when we love this baby more than anything in the world and we worked so damn HARD to create it?!! My brain just could not make heads or tails of her words.  Then we had an ultrasound and saw the specialists who pointed everything out to us and we knew in our hearts that she was right. As much as we absolutely hated it she was right that that was the best thing to do for him and for us.  I have run out of words to express how much that all sucked and how much it still does.
And that's why I have a pit in my stomach about seeing Erica again. It's not because of her - she was actually wonderful through everything. She made all the arrangements for us and answered all our questions no matter how stupid.  She was the one who fielded all our tearful phone calls and navigated all the red-tape between hospitals to make everything happen smoothly, and treated us gently. She was the one we leaned on to walk us through the hardest time of our lives when we were completely vulnerable and stripped down to our core. She was an absolute godsend and I so appreciated her. 
I just wish I had never met her. 
And I wish I didn't have to see her again. 

Hopefully everything will be okay on Tuesday though.  This was the stuff that I was worried about dealing with when we first started TTCAL - the stuff I wondered if I was emotionally ready for. I knew it was coming and I knew it would be hard.  It is hard but I also know we'll get through it. FX for Tuesday.


  1. Sometimes I feel like a stalker when I post comments so quickly after you post something, but oh well!

    Sending big hugs your way in preparation for Tuesday.

    1. HA HA! I appreciate my stalkers ;-)

  2. Sending you all of my good thoughts and positive vibes. I am wishing with everything in my being that you have a totally normal scan on Tuesday and get only good news. Sending you big ((hugs)).

  3. Praying for you on Tuesday. I know how hard this journey is. I have the same thoughts when I go to my doctor every week, or when I see my MFM. WHY THE HELL AM I HERE SO OFTEN? Why do need an MFM? I only hope that in the end, you'll be holding this baby and think to yourself that all the pain of being PgAL was worth it. Take it one day at a time and know that I'm supporting you all the way (as well as your other readers, I'm sure!).

    1. Thank you <3 I hate that you have to go through this too. ((Hugs))

  4. I will be thinking of you and praying that everything will go perfectly on Tuesday (and every day until then)!

  5. I'm sorry it's been such a tough week for you. I keep you and Petey in my heart and in my prayers every day. I will be sending all my love and prayers that Tuesday goes really well and you get to see Rainbow, looking absolutely perfect. Love you <3

  6. I'm so sorry you are having such a rough week. I think your feelings are completely justified and I hope so very hard that you can get the reassurance you need, and soon

    Big hugs sweet lady XOXO

  7. ::deep breath:: Tuesday. I am sending all the positive energy I have your way, dear. I can only imagine that this is incredibly difficult, but like you said at the end, you will get through this somehow.

    I am so sorry that this past week has been so hard for you... and I'm so sorry that I haven't really been there for you through it. Why must we struggle so much?? This week has been hard for me too, but in a different way. I really appreciate you being there for me, and I hope you know that even when my stalking skills are slacking, I am here for you no matter what.

    Love you, dear. Sending love to you all, as always <3