16 week check-in

I have now reached 16 weeks which means the anatomy scan is one week away!  Please oh please oh please let it bring us good news....

We'll also be finding out next week if this little baby is a girl or a boy.  As long as the baby is healthy I will be happy either way but I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't mess me up in the head a little if we find out it's a boy.  Only because I have convinced myself that Petey was a boy (though we elected NOT to find out for sure) and since my pregnancy symptoms and "cravings" (or lack there-of) have been SO different with this pregnancy it leads me to believe that I'm currently carrying the opposite sex. Therefore, if this baby is a boy it will make me question what I've felt in my heart about Petey all this time. ::sigh::  We shall see.

It's funny to me to think back about how I felt about the upcoming anatomy scan when I was pregnant the first time. I had a countdown going a month out and was SO EXCITED for the day to finally come so we could find out the sex! The fact that the whole purpose of the A/S is to make sure the baby is growing properly and is healthy really didn't even enter my mind; of course my baby was perfect!  This time I've had a countdown going again but for a whooole different reason.  Now finding out the sex is the afterthought and this last month has just been filled with anxiety for us.  But it's finally less than a week away and I'm just about counting the hours at this point.

I'm feeling pretty good physically, nothing major to note.  My belly is definitely growing. It's like once I hit 2nd tri it triggered a switch and now I'm ballooning. At 16 weeks I look similar to how I did at 20w with Petey. I still have not gained any weight yet though.

I had my routine prenatal with a high risk OB last Tuesday. Everything went well and the doppler worked this time, thank God. Baby's heart is still beating away at 150ish bpm and the doctor told me that "the size of [my] uterus is impressive". I must admit I feel a funny sense of pride about that for some reason. (Like I have any control over it...)

This was the first time I had met that doctor. It was SO different from seeing my midwife.  She is all touchy-feely, always wanting to talk about everything and offering all kinds of information and hugs and reassurance... Whereas he was the absolute stereotype of a cold, unfeeling doctor with absolutely no bedside manner.  He answered each of my questions in monotone, offering no additional information if I did not specifically ask for it, and gave no reassurance about anything. Example:

Me: Do you have the results of the urine sample I gave during my last appt?
Doc: Yes, it's in your file.
Me: Good. They're not posted on the online patient portal so can you tell me if everything came back ok?
Doc: You tested positive for Group B Strep. ::Goes back to what he was doing::
Me: And that means what exactly...?
Doc: It means you carry a bacterial infection in your body that could be harmful to the baby if it is passed to him during delivery.  ::Goes back to what he was doing::
Me: Ooookay, so what is going to be done to make sure it's not passed?
Doc: You'll get an antibiotic via IV during labor. 
-End of convo-

The fact that I had to pull the info out of him annoyed me a little (and of course I went home a googled GBS and I see it's pretty common - about 25% of women have it - and doesn't seem to be a big deal) but honestly? His complete lack of bedside manner really didn't bother me too much.  I much prefer my midwife's approach but I'm not really looking for reassurance and hand-holding right now, I am just going through the necessary motions like a robot until I can get to the anatomy scan and confirm that everything is okay. My advice to anyone who is newly pregnant though, is to look into a midwife vs. a physician if you have the option. When you're newly PG you have no f-ing clue what you are doing so it's helpful to have someone who actually wants to tell you things.

Finally, I wanted to end on the best moment of the week! 
I received an awesome present in the mail this week from a very sweet and thoughtful woman (Erin K) in my SAIF FB group! She told me she was out shopping and saw this, thought of me and just had to get it for my little rainbow :-)  I am just bowled over by that. When we lost Petey I hadn't been a part of the SAIF group for very long at all but still the amount of support and love I received was just incredible. Now, even though I'm PG I'll admit that it's still been hard for me sometimes to see babies (especially recently since I sort of feel like I'm in limbo) and so I'm currently not very active in the group. I recognize Erin of course, and would know a picture of her and her adorable boys anywhere but we've never actually had a one-on-one conversation. So I am just so humbled and appreciative that she would not only think of me but actually buy something (awesome) for my baby :'-)  There are a lot of good people in the world.
Check out my baby's first Patriots "jersey"!!

ADORABLE.

And look at that - you even get a bump pic out of the deal! :-)

15 (& 1/2) weeks: Positive steps

So, I've taken some positive steps since my last post:

• I contacted a therapist and set up my first appointment. She couldn't get me in until Nov 11th but at least it's scheduled.
• I opened up to Hubs that night about everything. He was very understanding and said he would help in whatever way he could. It was a good conversation and it helped to set me at ease a little bit. I guess I was really holding a lot in because after that convo I finally slept well and woke up feeling good the next morning. That hasn't happened in a long time.
• I called up a friend to get together for lunch on Saturday. I'm glad I did.
• I went to a Halloween Party last night and saw a lot of people and it was totally fine.  I even ran into our friend A and his mysterious wife (remember them? The ones we unexpectedly ran into at the RE's office last year when we were going through IVF but I STILL had not met her?) and she's PG too, about 2 weeks behind me!  AND, I like her!  I thought she would be weird and snobby or something but she wasn't!  I hope we get together more.

Okay, so I'm proud of myself for all of that stuff and I hope I keep it up.  I guess I was in a real downward swing but hopefully things are starting to look up now. Being PgAL is QUITE the rollercoaster.

-------

So now I'm a bit over 15 weeks which means we have less than 2 weeks until our anatomy scan. I also have a routine prenatal appt this Tues with the high risk OB. Hopefully everything will go well there because Hubs can't come. I know I'm still PG because I can feel the stretching, etc. every day but I'm still afraid. I think I have PTSD from the last appt when I thought it was all over.

My belly has officially popped in the last weekish. Here I am in all my saggy-ass maternity pants glory:

My maternity pants fit me well with the last pregnancy but this time they are too big since I had lost some weight right before getting PG. I absolutely refuse to buy more at this point though since I suspect that if I continue with my crap-filled diet I will fill them up soon enough. For now I will deal with the sag. 

I'm still holding steady at -1 lb below starting weight. I suspect this is because I still hate all food. Every now and then something will sound good so I run right out and get it on the spot since that happens so seldom. Otherwise I mostly have to force myself to eat.  There's a lot of cereal consumption happening 'round here.  Nausea's still hanging in there but I can't complain. Plus, the Zofran usually works.

Other than that things are fine physically and I'm just waiting.

Thank you to everyone who offered support over the last week. I really appreciate it. <3

Depression

I am a horrible employee. I've done a handful of hours of work in the last week.  I work from home a lot so it's way too easy to slack off.  I just don't care.  I don't care how much is on my plate or how many pressing things I have to do.  When I turn on my computer for work it is all immediately pushed to the backburner and instead, I spend my hours trolling the internet.  Reading the TFMR board, reading the PG after TFMR board, and the Loss Board and the PgAL board, and my PAIF group and IDOB and SAIF. Reading through women's stories of loss and others blogs and even back through my own blog posts...  Hours and hours leading to days and days are just wasted away like this and I don't even care.  I don't care that I'm a shitty employee now.  I don't care that I have no passion for my work; that I have no passion for my life really.

My husband doesn't know I spend my days like this; sitting on the couch in my pajamas, sometimes showering, sometimes not, just lost inside my computer, often giving myself a headache from all the crying (which I then blame on the pregnancy).  When he asks me how my day was I say busy. He thinks I work all day. My boss and coworkers think I work all day - how I've managed to pull the wool over their eyes for this long I really don't know.

And I don't even know what I get out of all of this internet searching.  I am not learning anything new, it's not making me feel any better... Each night when I lay in bed thinking about what I have to do the next day I make a promise to myself to just NOT open those forums or blogs or links. To start right in on my work and have tunnel vision and not allow myself to stray. But I always do. My life revolves around my loss, my fear with this new pregnancy, and my internet world. I live that life all day and then I dream about it all night.

I know this is not healthy.  I know I'm depressed. Having constant nausea and fatigue for the last few months has not helped either since I can't exercise. I used to go to Zumba 3x/week. It made me feel good - the movement, the endorphins, the weight loss, the schedule, the reason to get out of the house and interact with people...  I don't do that anymore. I also don't reach out to my friends and when they (rarely) reach out to me to get together I always make up an excuse.  I isolate myself. It's easier this way.

Since we received the results last week from my screening I haven't been able to picture any other future besides loss.  I no longer picture myself with a baby.  Any amount of connection I felt with this pregnancy has pretty much dwindled down to nothing. All I can picture now is going through all the same pain we went through with Petey. And this time, I can't picture myself being strong and moving forward.  All I can picture is it breaking me.
And that is how I feel: Broken and useless and just... sad.

In the past I've felt like this blog has been my therapy. But it's no longer helping. I think it's time to go see an actual Therapist. I haven't wanted to because I just haven't wanted to talk about it. When I focus on all of this it makes it worse. If I can distract myself it is better. But I've been unable to distract myself lately. Maybe this is a sign that I'm doing a worse job than I thought working through my grief and my fear.
 
Finally opening up about this and typing it all out is making me see just how mentally unhealthy I really am right now. I think it's time to admit that I need some help.

1st Tri Screening Results

We finally got our bloodwork results back from the first tri screening. They were not great. 

Our genetic counselor had prepped us for receiving higher risk results due to our history but our risk for Trisomy 21 (Downs' Syndrome) came back higher than expected. Based on age alone it would have been about 1 in 1000.  Add in our history and it should have brought it to 1 in 500ish.  Ours came back at 1 in 160.

I know that's still less than a 1% chance.
I know this 1st Tri Screening can result in false positives.
I know that if our baby ends up having a Trisomy THIS is the one to have since 85% of babies born with DS survive and many of them are able to lead mainly "normal" lives.

But I also know that our risk of neural tube defects (NTD) with Petey came back last time at 1 in 1300. And that I was that "one".
I know that this increased risk of T21 doesn't just mean our baby's risk of DS is increased but that it is also a marker for NTDs.
I know that there is nothing I can logically do right now but wait until our early anatomy scan on Nov 6th to see if yet another baby that we have created has birth defects.

Besides just waiting to see what the A/S shows we also have the option to have another blood test done this week (the AFP) which would give us a better idea of NTD and DS but if the results come back positive there is still nothing we can do but wait until the A/S on Nov 6th to see just how bad it is.  We have elected not to do that to ourselves. I am trying so hard not to let these results make me crazy. If we were to get bad AFP results I would be a fucking wreck until Nov 6th. (Now, I'm just kind of a wreck.) 
If there are issues identified through the A/S then there are whole slew of other diagnostic tests we would look into but at this point I'm trying not to get ahead of myself.

I'm trying not to think about the 'what-ifs'. 
I'm trying to stay positive.
I'm trying to believe in the numbers being on our side this time.
I'm trying not to disconnect from this pregnancy and let the fear take over.
I'm trying to pretend that I don't know as much as I know about everything that can go wrong.

But after what I have been through and what I have seen with so many other women it is nearly impossible. I am so scared.

I really thought infertility was supposed to be the hard part. But my life since March 18th has been a whole different kind of hard.  It doesn't matter how much you've had to go through; there are no guarantees.

And now I have a whole other sense of deja vu; similar to the feelings we experienced the night we found out Petey had problems and we had to wait for the appt with the Periontologist the next day. (Except now, my "next day" is not for another 2.5 weeks.)  It's the feeling that your heart is trying to escape from your chest; the sense of panic that comes on suddenly making you stop in your tracks; the inability to focus on work; the overwhelming sense of dread that you try to squash deep down inside but it just keeps creeping back up.

I am regretting getting this screening test. I felt I was doing my due diligence by getting as much info as we could on a decent timeline.  After our integrated screening results with Petey gave us a false negative I had no confidence in that "more advanced" screening so I figured this was the way to go. And I was scared, but I honestly thought things would be okay.  I hope things really will be okay.

I JUST WANT A HEALTHY CHILD. 
After everything, I really don't feel like it's too much to ask for. But what the hell do I know?

November 6th.  It cannot get here fast enough. (Understatement.)

14 weeks: The good.

I really want to try to make more of an effort to focus on the good. I owe that to my little Rainbow (and to myself too, really).  Maybe I just have to remind myself that yes, I love Petey and I miss him and I always will, but letting my grief and sadness run my life is not helping anyone. It won't bring him back and it's certainly not making me feel any better.  So I'm going to try to focus a bit more each day on the things that I have to be happy about (namely, a new little life growing inside me).

So, The good: 

• I have hit the 2nd trimester!  I've officially made it through the horrid 1st trimester TWICE in (mostly) one piece
• Nausea is getting a bit better and I have my wonderful Zofran for the bad days
• My belly is getting rounder (but I'm still holding steady at my starting weight - go me!)
• My boobs haven't changed much at all and never hurt (which is VERY different from my 1st pregnancy)
• I sleep decently most nights thanks to my memory-foam mattress topper! 
• I am having very few cravings
• I'm lucky in that I work from home 3 days/week and can live in yoga pants and huge oversized tees half the time since I'm still at the funny in-between stage where my clothes are too small/uncomfortable but maternity clothes are still too big.
• What else?  Ummm...it's Friday! Ok, that's it for now.

The not-as-good: 

• I am super constipated.  I mean super. I need some Colace or something STAT.
• My diet is terrible.  Meat still makes me gag and I haven't been able to choke down a vegetable in months.  I am grossing myself out.
• I still cannot exercise and get light-headed if I try to do too much. I almost fainted walking the dog the other day so now I'm a little scared to try again.

I wonder if I will start feeling excitement once we pass the anatomy scan (assuming all goes well)? With this pregnancy I just feel like I'm waiting.  I'm experiencing all the pregnancy symptoms, both good and bad, and every time something "new" happens I just sort of recognize it like, "yup, here's that again, right about when it came last time", and then just wait for the next thing.  Hopefully once I pass 20 weeks (again, assuming I get there [I can't seem to say/think about the future without a disclaimer]) things will start to change for me. At that point I'll be entering uncharted territory. Hopefully the apprehension and feeling of deja vu will fade and be replaced with excitement and anticipation.  And hope.


And in non-baby related good news: I do government-funded contract work and just found out today (after MONTHS of waiting) that our company won the rebid for the next 5 years!!! Thank goodness. If we hadn't won I'd be out of a job come October 31st! Cutting it close there, gov't!

Have a good weekend, people!