I just told the coworker I'm closest with that we're expecting. She is so awesome. She was wonderfully supportive throughout our IF journey and loss and didn't disappoint this time either. She told me she suspected but didn't want to put me in an awkward position by having to talk about things I wasn't ready for and then said:
I am keeping my fingers crossed and am cautiously
excited and optimistic for you!!! xoxoxox! You are a courageous superwoman!
I am amazed at how she always knows the exact right thing to say.
I am lucky she's in my life.
Besides her, I need to tell my boss next week when we're both back in the office. My blump is now unable to be hidden so people will start suspecting soon (if they're not already) and I certainly don't want her to hear about it through the grapevine.
In addition to my coworker, both of my sisters know and about 4 of my closest girlfriends. That's it. After Friday's scare though, Hubs had a bit of a breakdown and told me he wants to tell his parents soon because the thought of losing this baby with no one in his life knowing it ever even existed was too much for him. [It's so hard to see your strong rock of a husband vulnerable :-( ]. I agree about having the support so we plan to start telling more people soon.
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On another note, I've begun buying stuff for the nursery. I don't know why. I just want to. Maybe it's because after losing Petey I had nothing tangible of him. No little bear, no onesie, no bibs, nothing. I can't do that again. I hope I won't be forced to say goodbye to this baby but if life turns out to be that cruel I don't want to be left with nothing but the emptiness inside me again. It's possible I'm starting to go a little crazy with purchases though and should probably take it down a notch.
I also apparently am convinced this baby is a girl since I'm buying pink things. ::facepalm::
I am aware that that is a very silly thing to do but for some reason I can't stop myself.
Here's a pic of some of the stuff I've already bought. There will be many store returns if we discover there actually a little boy taking up residence in my ute!
As you can probably tell, I plan to go for a grey, pink and white theme with elephants & giraffes, chevron prints and polka dot accents. I plan to paint the walls grey except for an accent wall behind the crib which will be white with polka dots (polka dot idea stolen from Ally!).
Yeeeeah. I am aware I'm only 11.5 weeks along...
I think my thing this time is that I had IF Brain so badly last time that I never got a chance to enjoy shopping and planning and dreaming about the nursery before it was all taken away from me. This time, no matter how short our time may end up being with this baby, I want to have a chance to enjoy some of that! My Loss Brain is sometimes on overdrive but I don't want to let that keep me from getting any enjoyment out of this pregnancy.
I plan to keep right on shopping. Fuck the fear.
Let me start this post by saying that the baby is fine. Thank God.
However, there was a span of about 45 minutes this afternoon when it looked like my nightmare was coming true.
I went for my routine prenatal appointment today and saw my midwife again for the first time since Petey. That was a little tough. I was feeling slightly emotional as it was and then of course (of course!) she wanted to talk all about it: What was wrong with him, my surgery, how life has been for me since.... everything I DON'T want to talk about when I am trying to keep my shit together. I got through that though and we started talking about this pregnancy. And about all the fears that come along with it. And then she got out the doppler.
I had thought about and dreamt about this moment more times over the last 2.5 weeks (since we last heard the heartbeat) than I'd care to admit. And every time I thought about it my fear was that there was no heartbeat to be found. Today, that nightmare came true. I laid on the table for what felt like forever while she slowly moved that doppler around, digging it into my stomach with nothing but static to be heard. At first she was chatty, saying it can take a little while to find, and baby's still so small, and don't worry because my uterus is so big and full... but as the minutes ticked on and on she became silent. I laid there barely breathing and eventually the tears started to fall. She let me cry and kept trying for a few more minutes but eventually we knew it wasn't going to happen. She told me she'd get me in for an ultrasound immediately and left the room to make arrangements. I couldn't help but notice she wouldn't look me in the eye. I cried so hard with fear when she left. I was shaking and at one point heard myself whimpering like a child. I so regretted telling my husband not to bother coming today. I didn't know how I'd physically get myself home if I was about to be told that we'd lost another baby.
I got dressed, went to the ladies room to splash some cold water on my face, then went downstairs to the radiology department. I had to wait 20 minutes. It felt like an ETERNITY as I sat in the waiting room trying to keep the panic and fear at bay. The radiologist finally called me back and as we walked, she told me that we'd be in the room at the end of the hall. I remember thinking that was sensible. If I was about to find out my baby was dead they certainly don't want the other patients to hear me wail. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was walking down that hallway to my doom.
In the end though, everything was okay, thank God. My baby's heart is still beating. I got to see him/her move again. I didn't have to say goodbye today. I don't have the words to express the relief. The problem was likely due to the fact that they found I have an anterior placenta which means it's on the front of my uterus with the baby behind it making it hard to hear the heartbeat. PHEW.
That was a very scary appointment. I would like for that to please not happen again.
In related news, I am happy (understatement) to be able to say that I am still pregnant and am 11 weeks today. And baby measured right on track at 11w2d with a heartbeat of 168. Also, my nausea is out of control. My doc gave me a prescription for Zofran and I didn't even make it out of the pharmacy parking lot before I took the first dose. I need this to work for me. I can't eat and am struggling to not get dehydrated. I lost another 2 pounds this week and feel sick and weak all the time. My body doesn't seem to like pregnancy. (I really hope that is not foreshadowing.)
Hi from my sweet baby today!:
I realized that last Friday's appointment at my OB office was exactly 6 months to-the-day that Hubs and I last stepped foot in there; the day we received the horrible news about Petey; the day I collapsed with grief in the parking lot on the way back to the car; the day we were forced to make that heartbreaking decision. MAN I'm glad I realized that after the fact and not before I went for my appointment. I couldn't keep myself from crying in the waiting room as it was!
So that means that this Saturday is 6 months since we said goodbye. Six months without our Petey. It feels like both an eternity and like it was yesterday. I cannot believe it has been half a year. I also cannot believe how long this half a year has been for me.
I am not the same anymore. I know I've lost a little bit of my light, and my lightheartedness. I don't laugh or joke quite as easily anymore and there are still many many triggers. I'm okay though. My little rainbow has helped. I still struggle with the guilt and the feeling that this baby is "replacing" Petey but overall I can separate my feelings for and about Petey from my feelings about this baby. I am happy about this baby and I love it. I love it so much that I don't know what I would do if it were taken from me as well.
I am so sad that we don't have our little 1 1/2 month old in our arms. I still have to ignore those twinges of jealousy I get when I see pictures of others' sweet snuggly babies. I still feel robbed and I think I always will. It's true what they say: A little part of me will always be missing.
Yesterday I made the mistake(?) of reading through my medical records. The OB's online portal makes everything accessible which is both wonderful and a curse. I didn't let myself read anything since our loss because I thought it would be too difficult to see in black and white. Yesterday I read everything. Every note from every doctor. Every bit of technical jargon. Every awful thing that was physically wrong with our baby that we loved so much and worked so hard to create. It was definitely difficult. I was right that in my grief and shock I didn't retain everything from our appointments with the specialists. There was more wrong with Petey than I let myself remember. He had no chance. I am so sad for his little soul. And I know that we made the right decision for him and for us. It is hard to come to terms with the truth though. And it was hard to see that amongst all the professional dialogue from doctor to doctor, there were little snippets that got to me:
"Patient is having difficulties with news and will be given time to process before follow up tomorrow."
"Conversation was held amongst much tears and grief."
"Patient is understandably upset but asking appropriate questions."
"This couple is devastated."
That last one kills me a little. Yes, that's correct. We were devastated. That wasn't an opinion, it was stated as a medical fact in my record. ::deep breath::
I don't know where I'm going with this... I just need to get it out of my head. It's all so sad and it sucks and I hate that this happened to us and to our baby. I am sick of being the one with this sad story. I just hope and pray that I won't have any new sad tales to write about with this current pregnancy.
On Friday I see my midwife again for the first time since Petey. I already know it's going to be emotionally exhausting but I cannot wait for it. I will get to hear the heartbeat again and it cannot come soon enough. Please be healthy, baby.
How Far Along: 10 weeks - double digits!
Baby is the Size of a: Prune (1 and 1/4 inches)
Total Weight Change: -2 lbs (I gained 3 lbs very quickly during the first few weeks but have since lost that plus 2 more.)
Showing Yet?: No but the bloat is certainly making itself known. Should still be a couple more weeks before my uterus is up and over my pelvis
Maternity Clothes?: Not yet but pants are starting to get tight by the end of the day
Stretch Marks?: No new ones
Sleep: Not so great most nights. I am having some hip pain. I've also really increased my water intake so getting up to pee 3-4 times per night and then laying awake nauseous isn't helping matters.
Symptoms: Nausea and a little puking (but not too much!), food aversions, tired, heartburn
Food Cravings/Aversions: I am having aversions to most foods. I eat a lot of english muffins, dry cereal and oyster crackers. Really the only craving is mashed potatoes and often sweet things like cakes/pastries. I really hope I'll be able to eat vegetables and meat again soon.
Miss Anything?: Being able to eat a full meal without wanting to hurl partway through; Not feeling winded after minor activity; Getting through the day without needing a nap
Mood: Pretty steady most of the time (Except this morning when I started crying while sitting in the OB waiting room. I think I was just overwhelmed because the last time I was there it was under very bad circumstances.)
Best Moment of the Week: 2 of them! (1) Getting a nausea survival pack in the mail from the awesome ttuprincess :-D and (2) Having my OB intake appt this morning. I am officially a patient there again and my prenatal care has now started :-)
Upcoming Appointments: Next Friday is my first actual OB appt. It was the earliest they could get me in so they scheduled me with whomever was available. I found out today that it happens to be the same midwife I saw when I was PG with Petey. I have very mixed feelings about that but I don't want to wait any longer so I'm not going to call to request a change.
What I'm Looking Forward to: Hearing baby's heartbeat again in one week! It can't come fast enough. I need reassurance, dammit!
Randoms: Today I found out I am indeed considered high-risk due to my history and will be seeing MFM. I don't really know how that changes anything besides the fact that my regular doctor will now be a specialist just in case, and that I will be offered the Harmony test to check for risk of Downs and the Trisomys so that's good news I guess. They still won't be able to do anything different for me in regards to seeing if there's a neural tube defect (which is what I'm really concerned about) so, whatever. Today's appt was good though. I was feeling so much anxiety sitting in that waiting room again (and my sky-high blood pressure certainly reflected it!) but the appt itself was good. The nurse I met with was wonderful and had been fully prepped on my history so I didn't have to explain anything. It was a good appt and my BP was back down to normal when she checked again at the end of the hour.
Next hurdle is in one week when I see my old midwife again! Hopefully that will be okay.
Why does the title of my blog have to have the word "chicken" in it? GAG.
I am having serious food aversions to pretty much everything. (Except cake.) I can't eat vegetables, I can't drink milk, most meat grosses me out (I just gagged typing that)...
I eat a lot of english muffins and saltines these days. I can't even drink plain water anymore. Ugh. I hope this phase passes quickly.
I'm sure you're not surprised to hear that my puking is in full swing now. Usually only once a day though so it's manageable. I'm back to being awake between 3-5am with extreme nausea every night (which I was SO hoping wasn't going to happen this time around but it seems to be my thing) so that's often when I get sick. Except for Monday. Monday I had the lovely experience of having to pull over on the side of the highway on the way to work so I could puke over the guard rail during rush hour traffic! I got some honks. It was pretty awesome.
My life currently consists of thinking about food: What I can and can't stomach, when I'll be okay to eat again, when to time food with my meds... I live an exciting life.
Eyes on the prize though! I have a visual of my little wiggly baby in there now so that helps a lot :-)
I've been feeling pretty good mentally since our U/S on Tuesday. I'm feeling more connection with this little baby every day and am trying to move beyond the fear and let myself feel some excitement. I've even started thinking a little bit about how I'd like to decorate the nursery eventually!
We've told a couple people too - both of my sisters know and a handful of friends. It's so much easier to not have to hide the nausea and exhaustion around them anymore. Last weekend I drove up to Maine to help my parents with their moving sale (they're moving to Florida in 2 weeks!) and I was so sick and it was so difficult to hide it. I can't tell my parents yet though because my Mom is not thrilled about moving and if she knew I was expecting it would make it that much harder for her. But luckily I had already told my sister and she made a point to (very discreetly) carry all the heavy things so I wouldn't have to and I was so grateful.
Okay I'll stop rambling now. 9 weeks! Baby is the size of a grape!
Quick update because I am SWAMPED with work:
We had our ultrasound this morning (8w4d) and everything was looking great! We have a little gummy bear in there with a strong heartbeat of 156bpm and the best part of all: S/he was wiggling all around in there! :-D
This is new for us because we never saw Petey move much at all during any ultrasounds. We didn't know at the time that wasn't right but I have already seen the difference between what an U/S is supposed to look like and what we experienced previously. I am SO happy to report that we saw baby move all of his/her little arms and legs individually which made me immediately burst into tears of happiness since A) I wasn't expecting it and B) we know now that this little baby is not paralyzed. I am so so so so so so relieved and grateful!!
Ahhhh today is a good day :-D
Say hi to my little wiggle-worm!
Being PgAL is HARD. I don't even know what to say about it besides that.
I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. The chance of Petey's problems happening was 1 in 1,300. We got great results from our Integrated Screening showing we had very little risk of a neural tube defect. But it still happened. So after being that ONE in 1,300 it's very hard to believe I would end up on the good side of the statistics this time around.
My second U/S with my RE is this coming Tuesday. I am worried. I didn't think I would be but I am. I don't know how I'd bounce back if we lost this one too. I don't know how I'd be okay. I've already started thinking about when I could fit therapy sessions into my work week in the event this baby does not stay with us. The overwhelming sense of deja vu with this pregnancy just leads me to believe that everything that happened last time will happen again. I can't stop myself from thinking about the day we received the bad news about Petey from the Periontologist... I have a hard time believing that that nightmare isn't going to happen all over again.
I also keep replaying "insensitivities" from other people in my head. I HATE that people in my life don't acknowledge our loss. I hate that they never bring it up and if I bring it up they shut me down and immediately change the subject. It really hurts. They don't want to hear about my fears with this new pregnancy. "Just be happy you're pregnant again" they say. I AM happy I'm pregnant again. But it doesn't mean I'm not scared to death every single day. And it doesn't mean I don't miss the child I lost every single day.
I am grateful to be 8 weeks tomorrow. The nausea and puking sucks, the lack of sleep, the shortness of breath, the food aversions... but I am grateful for them. I am starting to get used to being pregnant again. I am starting to get attached.
I really don't know what I will do if I have to say goodbye to this child too. I am so scared.
Happy 8 weeks! haha
