Thursday, September 4, 2014

PgAL (8 weeks)

Being PgAL is HARD.  I don't even know what to say about it besides that. 

I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. The chance of Petey's problems happening was 1 in 1,300.  We got great results from our Integrated Screening showing we had very little risk of a neural tube defect. But it still happened. So after being that ONE in 1,300 it's very hard to believe I would end up on the good side of the statistics this time around.

My second U/S with my RE is this coming Tuesday. I am worried. I didn't think I would be but I am. I don't know how I'd bounce back if we lost this one too.  I don't know how I'd be okay.  I've already started thinking about when I could fit therapy sessions into my work week in the event this baby does not stay with us. The overwhelming sense of deja vu with this pregnancy just leads me to believe that everything that happened last time will happen again. I can't stop myself from thinking about the day we received the bad news about Petey from the Periontologist... I have a hard time believing that that nightmare isn't going to happen all over again.

I also keep replaying "insensitivities" from other people in my head. I HATE that people in my life don't acknowledge our loss. I hate that they never bring it up and if I bring it up they shut me down and immediately change the subject.  It really hurts. They don't want to hear about my fears with this new pregnancy.  "Just be happy you're pregnant again" they say.  I AM happy I'm pregnant again. But it doesn't mean I'm not scared to death every single day. And it doesn't mean I don't miss the child I lost every single day.

I am grateful to be 8 weeks tomorrow. The nausea and puking sucks, the lack of sleep, the shortness of breath, the food aversions... but I am grateful for them. I am starting to get used to being pregnant again. I am starting to get attached.

I really don't know what I will do if I have to say goodbye to this child too. I am so scared.

Happy 8 weeks! haha

10 comments:

  1. Oh Chickie, I am so sorry that you can't enjoy this pregnancy like you should be able to :(

    I have to be honest, when I read your post my first thought was that maybe people don't bring things up because they are afraid talking about Petey will make you sad. I don't know the people in your life and I don't have experience with loss, but looking in from the outside I would be nervous about bringing up a friend's loss because I wouldn't want to say the wrong thing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Huge hugs, Chickin. I can't begin to imagine what this is all like for you. I pray every day that your rainbow baby is growing strong and will be happy and healthy in your arms in 7ish months. And I'm sorry that people are insensitive to what you have been through, what you are going through, and brushing aside your fears. I hope you know how much I love you and Petey, and I am always here if you want to talk about him or talk about your fears, you do not need to pretend anything with me. I will never brush aside your love for Petey, or the fact that you miss him every day. And that love and missing him, that does not make you any less grateful for this baby and sorry to be blunt, but screw anyone that tries to make you feel that way. You have more than enough love for both of your babies. Love you <3 <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are awesome.Thank you <3

      Delete
  3. Jaytee said it perfectly - I really can't think of anything to add to what she said. I am praying and hoping with all of my heart that everything will go well for you and baby <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. I know there are no words to make you feel any better and I feel bad that the people in your life are just brushing off your very valid feelings and concerns. You have every right to be scared and worried, you have every right to miss Petey. I agree with Jaytee, screw anyone who tries to invalidate your feels. I keep praying that the fact that there are a lot of differences with this pregnancy means that everything will be different this time and that on Tuesday you are able to get some reassurance that everything is going well. Sending you tons of love <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm also echoing Jaytee's response. I know that feeling of constant worry and overanalyzing everything. I hope that as the weeks go on in this pregnancy, you will feel more at ease. **hugs**

    ReplyDelete
  6. Jaytee nailed it through and through. Hopefully Tuesday will bring some reassurance for you. ((Hugs)) my sweetie.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I cannot say it any better than Jaytee. I'm sorry people have been insensitive. And know I think of you and Petey pretty much every day. If you ever (and I mean EVER) need to or want to talk, you know where to find me <3

    ReplyDelete
  8. I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you today! I am sure everything is going to be perfect with baby at your u/s and I hope seeing him/her relieves some of your worries. Sending you love and hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I miss you! ((Hugs))

      Delete