Being PgAL is HARD. I don't even know what to say about it besides that.
I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. The chance of Petey's problems happening was 1 in 1,300. We got great results from our Integrated Screening showing we had very little risk of a neural tube defect. But it still happened. So after being that ONE in 1,300 it's very hard to believe I would end up on the good side of the statistics this time around.
My second U/S with my RE is this coming Tuesday. I am worried. I didn't think I would be but I am. I don't know how I'd bounce back if we lost this one too. I don't know how I'd be okay. I've already started thinking about when I could fit therapy sessions into my work week in the event this baby does not stay with us. The overwhelming sense of deja vu with this pregnancy just leads me to believe that everything that happened last time will happen again. I can't stop myself from thinking about the day we received the bad news about Petey from the Periontologist... I have a hard time believing that that nightmare isn't going to happen all over again.
I also keep replaying "insensitivities" from other people in my head. I HATE that people in my life don't acknowledge our loss. I hate that they never bring it up and if I bring it up they shut me down and immediately change the subject. It really hurts. They don't want to hear about my fears with this new pregnancy. "Just be happy you're pregnant again" they say. I AM happy I'm pregnant again. But it doesn't mean I'm not scared to death every single day. And it doesn't mean I don't miss the child I lost every single day.
I am grateful to be 8 weeks tomorrow. The nausea and puking sucks, the lack of sleep, the shortness of breath, the food aversions... but I am grateful for them. I am starting to get used to being pregnant again. I am starting to get attached.
I really don't know what I will do if I have to say goodbye to this child too. I am so scared.
Happy 8 weeks! haha