Let me start this post by saying that the baby is fine. Thank God.
However, there was a span of about 45 minutes this afternoon when it looked like my nightmare was coming true.
I went for my routine prenatal appointment today and saw my midwife again for the first time since Petey. That was a little tough. I was feeling slightly emotional as it was and then of course (of course!) she wanted to talk all about it: What was wrong with him, my surgery, how life has been for me since.... everything I DON'T want to talk about when I am trying to keep my shit together. I got through that though and we started talking about this pregnancy. And about all the fears that come along with it. And then she got out the doppler.
I had thought about and dreamt about this moment more times over the last 2.5 weeks (since we last heard the heartbeat) than I'd care to admit. And every time I thought about it my fear was that there was no heartbeat to be found. Today, that nightmare came true. I laid on the table for what felt like forever while she slowly moved that doppler around, digging it into my stomach with nothing but static to be heard. At first she was chatty, saying it can take a little while to find, and baby's still so small, and don't worry because my uterus is so big and full... but as the minutes ticked on and on she became silent. I laid there barely breathing and eventually the tears started to fall. She let me cry and kept trying for a few more minutes but eventually we knew it wasn't going to happen. She told me she'd get me in for an ultrasound immediately and left the room to make arrangements. I couldn't help but notice she wouldn't look me in the eye. I cried so hard with fear when she left. I was shaking and at one point heard myself whimpering like a child. I so regretted telling my husband not to bother coming today. I didn't know how I'd physically get myself home if I was about to be told that we'd lost another baby.
I got dressed, went to the ladies room to splash some cold water on my face, then went downstairs to the radiology department. I had to wait 20 minutes. It felt like an ETERNITY as I sat in the waiting room trying to keep the panic and fear at bay. The radiologist finally called me back and as we walked, she told me that we'd be in the room at the end of the hall. I remember thinking that was sensible. If I was about to find out my baby was dead they certainly don't want the other patients to hear me wail. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was walking down that hallway to my doom.
In the end though, everything was okay, thank God. My baby's heart is still beating. I got to see him/her move again. I didn't have to say goodbye today. I don't have the words to express the relief. The problem was likely due to the fact that they found I have an anterior placenta which means it's on the front of my uterus with the baby behind it making it hard to hear the heartbeat. PHEW.
That was a very scary appointment. I would like for that to please not happen again.
In related news, I am happy (understatement) to be able to say that I am still pregnant and am 11 weeks today. And baby measured right on track at 11w2d with a heartbeat of 168. Also, my nausea is out of control. My doc gave me a prescription for Zofran and I didn't even make it out of the pharmacy parking lot before I took the first dose. I need this to work for me. I can't eat and am struggling to not get dehydrated. I lost another 2 pounds this week and feel sick and weak all the time. My body doesn't seem to like pregnancy. (I really hope that is not foreshadowing.)
Hi from my sweet baby today!: