Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Starting to spill the beans (plus nursery shtuff!)

I just told the coworker I'm closest with that we're expecting.  She is so awesome. She was wonderfully supportive throughout our IF journey and loss and didn't disappoint this time either. She told me she suspected but didn't want to put me in an awkward position by having to talk about things I wasn't ready for and then said:
I am keeping my fingers crossed and am cautiously excited and optimistic for you!!! xoxoxox! You are a courageous superwoman!
I am amazed at how she always knows the exact right thing to say.
I am lucky she's in my life. 

Besides her, I need to tell my boss next week when we're both back in the office.  My blump is now unable to be hidden so people will start suspecting soon (if they're not already) and I certainly don't want her to hear about it through the grapevine.

In addition to my coworker, both of my sisters know and about 4 of my closest girlfriends.  That's it.  After Friday's scare though, Hubs had a bit of a breakdown and told me he wants to tell his parents soon because the thought of losing this baby with no one in his life knowing it ever even existed was too much for him.  [It's so hard to see your strong rock of a husband vulnerable :-( ].  I agree about having the support so we plan to start telling more people soon.

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On another note, I've begun buying stuff for the nursery. I don't know why. I just want to. Maybe it's because after losing Petey I had nothing tangible of him. No little bear, no onesie, no bibs, nothing.  I can't do that again. I hope I won't be forced to say goodbye to this baby but if life turns out to be that cruel I don't want to be left with nothing but the emptiness inside me again.  It's possible I'm starting to go a little crazy with purchases though and should probably take it down a notch.

I also apparently am convinced this baby is a girl since I'm buying pink things. ::facepalm:: 
I am aware that that is a very silly thing to do but for some reason I can't stop myself.

Here's a pic of some of the stuff I've already bought. There will be many store returns if we discover there actually a little boy taking up residence in my ute!

As you can probably tell, I plan to go for a grey, pink and white theme with elephants & giraffes, chevron prints and polka dot accents. I plan to paint the walls grey except for an accent wall behind the crib which will be white with polka dots (polka dot idea stolen from Ally!). 
Yeeeeah. I am aware I'm only 11.5 weeks along...

I think my thing this time is that I had IF Brain so badly last time that I never got a chance to enjoy shopping and planning and dreaming about the nursery before it was all taken away from me. This time, no matter how short our time may end up being with this baby, I want to have a chance to enjoy some of that!  My Loss Brain is sometimes on overdrive but I don't want to let that keep me from getting any enjoyment out of this pregnancy. 

I plan to keep right on shopping. Fuck the fear.


  1. YEAH!!! FUCK IT!!!! Hey girl, if you know its a girl, then its a girl. I knew Conner and Ben were boys around 10 weeks or so and bought all boy things. I didn't have to return anything. Love the theme :)

  2. "Fuck the fear" indeed!

    I love that you have such great people in your "real" life that are so supportive, your coworker sounds like an absolute gem.

    And you know I'm loving the polka dot idea!! It's going to be so pretty!! I got the polka dots from Urban Walls online in case you're wondering :)

    Love you!!

  3. I'm glad to hear that your co-worker is so supportive, that is awesome!

    I love your theme, the elephant and giraffe frames are adorable! I am happy to hear you are going for it, I wouldn't be surprised at all if baby is a girl. Some people just inherently know!

  4. I love you and I love this post! Your coworker sounds amazing, I'm so happy you have someone like that there for you. I love all of the nursery things you have bought for Rainbow, I wonder if your intuition is going to be right! I think you have an admirable attitude, you are courageous and brave and I love that you are embracing this pregnancy, letting yourself enjoy these moments, and especially, saying Fuck the Fear! Lots of love <3

  5. Yeah for baby purchases! Ellie's nursery is grey and yellow chevron with giraffes and elephants!!!! We are almost nursery twinsies! Maybe if you decide to go neutral we can be full on twinsies!

    I am glad you are starting to tell people, I feel like it is important to have a few people know at least.

    1. I looooooooove Ellie's nursery! I was amazed when you started posting pics of it (such a long time ago now!) because it was along the same lines of what I had been thinking too but yours came out so much better than I had been picturing for myself. I also love the rug you have with the hardwood but we have carpet in our nursery so that won't be happening unfortunately. And those plantation shutters! LOVE.

  6. I love your theme and your attitude. And I hope there's a LO in your future (hopefully a little girl!!) who will be able to enjoy all these beautiful things.

  7. Fuck the fear is a good way to do it!! When Pai passed having those little outfits and stuff kept me going.

    Also I know this will be it for you love! I'm sure of it

  8. GOOD FOR YOU!!! I'm so happy to see you're enjoying this :) And I love all the cute little baby things!!! Your theme is adorable :)