What They Don't Tell You About PAIF

Who's "They" you ask?  ::shrug::

What I do know though, is that this is going to be a brutally honest post...

Now that I've reached the "other side" of IF, I've learned it's not all green grass and rainbows.  PAIF is scary as hell and it's lonely as hell.  At least it is for me anyway.

Don't get me wrong; I am thrilled and amazed that I am actually pregnant and thank my lucky stars every minute of every day that I am in the position I am in.  At the same time, I am so SO scared to let myself feel happy and secure about it. It's not a conscious decision to feel guarded - it's unavoidable for me. This all seems too good to be true and if I trust it and finally let my guard down, the natural next step is that the pregnancy will be taken from me. I am an infertile. Something obviously went wrong somewhere - the storks got confused, one ended up on my doorstep and once they (there's that elusive "They" again) realize their mistake, they'll come and rectify it.  

I thought that IF was some tangible thing that I was fighting and once I beat it, I could move on and never look back.  But IF is an evil bitch that's mental as well as physical. Right now it feels like there's no such thing as the "other side" of IF... I didn't cross through some magical gateway into a beautiful garden of fertility, I crawled my way through a long dark tunnel of mud and shit and tears and pain and now that I've finally reached what looks like a way out of the tunnel, my surroundings turn foggy and feel dangerous. I hated that IF tunnel but I knew what to expect when in it. Now, I have no idea if I've truly found a way out or am about to unexpectedly fall into a deeper, darker tunnel than I could have imagined was there.  If it's the latter, I honestly do not know how I will be able to fight my way through the dark again to get out of it.

It's a hard thing for me to describe and it's probably an even harder thing for others to understand.  Know that I'm not looking for sympathy with this post, that would be ridiculous.  I am writing it because I am silently struggling. I'm struggling at a time when those looking in from the outside likely think that I shouldn't be - that this is the time when everything should finally be perfect and wonderful for me!  It's not though, not yet.  This place that I'm in right now feels lonely because I have no one to connect with who understands. Hubs doesn't even understand.  And that's the other reason I'm writing this post: In case there is anyone out there in a similar position who stumbles upon this blog, I want you to know that I get it.  That you are not alone. That you are not crazy and your feelings are valid even if they seem improper and unappreciative.  And that even though you finally achieved your goal of becoming pregnant, it's okay that you don't feel ready to jump for joy and shout it from the rooftops.
At least I think it is anyway...

I'm sad that the struggles didn't automatically end for me once I saw those 2 pink lines. I thought I'd be feeling pure happiness and relief right now but I don't. Not yet anyway. But I do have hope that I will get there eventually.