My rainbow

You're going to think I'm crazy since my last few posts have been so full of despair, but I am feeling hopeful right now for the first time in a long time. (I guess this just goes to show you how volatile my emotions are lately.)

It's possible you will think I'm nuts but I got a sign this evening that my rainbow baby is coming. I know it. I think the world gave me a sign of hope in the actual form of a rainbow. 

I was out floating in the pool this evening thinking and relaxing as I often do, and instead of facing towards the trees like usual and searching/expecting to see a butterfly to signify that Petey is with me, I decided I felt like facing the other way, towards the open sky.  It was a nice evening with blue skies and lots of puffy clouds. I was lazily imagining shapes in the clouds. Then, in an improbable place high in the sky between a break in the clouds I saw the colors of a rainbow.  It was faint and wasn't in an arch but I saw the colors. I know it was there. I looked away and back again to see if it was just my eyes playing tricks on me and it wasn't - it was there, hidden in the clouds like it was meant just for me. It took my breath away. It was my sign that my rainbow baby is coming. Maybe not this cycle, maybe not next, maybe not even from our first FET, but eventually. We will be blessed with our rainbow baby eventually. 

I turned around towards the trees thinking of Petey and testing to see if I could bring about a butterfly, as this has always worked and has always reassured me of Petey's presence, and there was none.  Maybe this means it's time for me to look ahead to the future and to my rainbow. 

I'm not big on signs or divine intervention or anything like that but this was a powerful experience for me. Thank you world. Thank you God. Thank you WHOEVER. This is what I needed. I needed a sign, I needed to open my eyes to see the world. Maybe this rainbow has been waiting there for me to just notice this whole time if I just opened my heart and opened my eyes. I felt the message and I now feel hope that things will be okay eventually. 

I will be testing in a couple days and I hope it will be positive. But if it's not, I think I will be okay now thanks to this experience. This rainbow gave me hope for our future and the strength to move forward.

August

Well, we're here:  August. Petey's birth month.

Since mid-March I have been dreading this month. Prior to that, I couldn't WAIT for it. I remember posting our announcement picture on Facebook back in February and writing that baby "Chickin" would be "arriving August 2014". It felt SO far away to me then and now here it is already.  

I should be 38 weeks pregnant today. 38. I should be huge right now and having trouble breathing and impatiently awaiting Petey's arrival. I should have a completed nursery upstairs, with cutesy animal sheets and piles of diapers ready to go and tiny baby clothes hanging in the closet.  I should be feeling excitement and anticipation and fear. I should be ready for my life to never be the same again.

Well, that one's true at least; my life will indeed never be the same again, but for a very different reason.

I hope that at some point down the road I will find that this quote applies to me once again but with positive connotations instead of negative. Hopefully we will be blessed someday with a healthy rainbow baby and my life will never again be the same from that point on.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this current 2WW that I am in.  I want to get pregnant again. I want to have a family. I want for this to work.  But I just miss my Petey so much. Is there room in my heart to love another little baby as much as I love(d) Petey? August is HIS month. If we got a BFP this cycle, not only would I need to make room in my heart for a new baby (not to mention all the fears that come along with being PGAL) but I'd need to find a way to feel the sadness of Petey's month and the joy of another pregnancy at the same time. I have no idea how I'd mix such happiness and such sadness and still carry on like everything's okay. I would feel guilt about not grieving Petey enough and I would feel guilt about not celebrating a new baby enough.  Lose-lose. 
At the same time, if this cycle is a BFN... well, let's just say I expect my mental state won't be fabulous.

But, "what is meant to be will be" with this cycle and I'll just have to wait and see. So for now, I'll try to focus on the fact that I have made it through one of the days I have been dreading for months in (mostly) one piece.  I'll deal with August one day at a time and eventually it will be September.  Maybe I'll be pregnant.  Maybe I'll be 10 lbs lighter.  Maybe I'll be in the same place I am today. And if that's the case then so be it.

Chance #4

4DPO! I am officially in another 2WW!  Yay!

This is our 4th real chance to get pregnant since we started TTC in June 2012 (#1: Aug 2013, #2: Nov 2013 [IVF], #3: June 2014 [crappy timing though], #4: July 2014!). And this time we had perfect timing!

I am super excited that I ovulated again. When I O'd last month I figured it was a bit of a fluke and my hormones were still regulating after the D&E. Now that I O'd AGAIN, I am hoping that the hormones are are all settled back to where they should have been all along and that this will now be a trend! Eeeeeee!

If not though, I am grateful for this little gift of having another chance (and without fertility treatments!). It's like a little glimmer of hope.

I think this is going to be a long 2 weeks for me.



Aside: I love love love this "TTC Update" picture because of the butterfly. Ever since I read that post on another loss mama's blog about how she'd see butterflies whenever she was thinking of her child, that has been happening to me too.  I'll be out in the backyard thinking of Petey and a butterfly will appear almost every single time.  At this point they really have become a sign for me that Petey is still with me. I love the symbolism of this picture with the butterfly perched there and I'm interpreting it to mean that Petey is on-board with us starting to TTC again. Maybe it's silly but it gives me a peaceful feeling and the strength to feel okay and hopeful about this.

I don't wanna get ahead of myself but...

...I think I ovulated again!

EWCM the last couple days, obvious positive OPK yesterday... HOLY CRAP you guys!!!

For any of you who have followed my blog for a while, you can understand why I am excited.  I am anovulatory. Or at least, I have been anovulatory since we started TTC in June 2012. I did O once back in August 2013 but besides that ONE time in 2 years, we have not had any chance at all to conceive without IVF despite all our efforts.

But since losing Petey in March, I have had sort of regular cycles! They're still long (last cycle was 44 days and if this is a BFN it will likely be 40 days) but who cares?!  I'm ovulating!!

I am kind of in amazement here and don't really want to let myself believe it.  I joked about pregnancy "curing" my infertility but.....
What if it actually did??

TTCAL...after IF

I came to a surprising realization today that I'm GLAD we're benched.  I'm not glad for the reason since it's due to high blood pressure, but I think I'm glad that the decision was taken out of my hands.

Bear with me while I try to make sense of my feelings here...

I had expressed my ambivalence previously about moving forward with a FET but it's only now that the decision has been made for us that I'm realizing I didn't feel very good about it.  A few weeks ago I couldn't think of a good concrete reason why NOT to move forward with starting up IF treatments again so I concluded that that meant I should just go for it. ["Get busy living or get busy dying", right RR? ;-) ] But now that the decision has been made for us and I can take a step back and allow myself to feel my feelings I've realized I'm not ready for all that again. 

I don't want to live that life again. The infertility life, I mean. I don't want all the doctor's appointments and the medications and the all-encompassing thoughts that come along with it.  IF runs your life.  It ran my life for 1.5 years and then pregnancy ran my life for 5 months.  After that, grief ran my life and while sometimes it still does, I am trying to find a way for me to run my OWN life again. I barely even remember how that feels. By jumping right back into IF treatments I am giving it that power again and I think it's that which I am not ready for.

I think this because Hubs and I are still TTC on our own (in a bed, just me and him as is the experience of most normal couples). And I feel good about it! I think I would be okay and happy with a spontaneous pregnancy so I don't think it's the prospect of being pregnant again which I struggle with, I think it's the idea of facing (fighting) infertility again. 

The title of this blog post; "TTCAL...after IF" I guess is really about the two things I'm struggling with: The complicated feelings associated with trying again after a devastating loss; and those which accompany trying again after battling infertility. Both things have scarred me deeply but in very different ways.  And I'm surprised to come to the realization that in trying to move forward, I think TTC again after IF is a bigger mountain for me to climb right now.

Mt Katahdin, Maine: End of the Appalachian Trail and my old stomping grounds

I know I have very little (if any) chance of conceiving again without a FET but for now I'm just not ready. I am taking advantage of these next few months to get healthier and focus on me instead of wasting all my energy on trying to control things I can't control. Hopefully somewhere along the way I'll gain a new perspective and new strength and will eventually feel ready again.

Or.....not.

My last blog post was titled "Messy and uncertain but moving forward".  Mmmm, not so much. It looks like we're benched.

I've visited the RE twice since that last post. The first time I met with the dr. for baseline B/W, discussed what happened with my pregnancy and surgery and determined next steps on moving forward with a FET.

The second time I met with the RE was yesterday. I went in for a hysteroscopy and he found polyps still left in my uterus. He said it's possible I will need surgery to remove them depending on the location and that he needs to take a closer look at the pics and video to see for sure. I should be finding out this afternoon whether or not I will need surgery. They also discovered yesterday that I now have high blood pressure. It was 144/90. I have never had high BP before. It has always been perfect or even a tad bit low so this is new for me. The nurse took my BP (twice) when I was in last week too but said it was likely elevated because of the anxiety of being back there again. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case. The doc wants me to go see my PCP to get checked out. He expects they will tell me to lose weight (I'm 10 lbs heavier than I was when I started IVF) and that they might want to put me on medication for it. (No thank you, I do not want to take more meds.)  I will also need to meet with someone in Maternal Fetal Medicine to discuss the risks of getting pregnant right now with high BP as it increases the risk of Pre-Eclampsia.  

::sigh::  I'm starting to fall into pity party mode. I know I brought the BP thing on myself with my extra weight gain but jesus! It's only 10 lbs!  Between leftover baby weight and deep depression over everything we've been through I am proud of myself that I didn't gain 3 times that amount! I exercise regularly and don't eat horribly (both of which I have to work at) but I guess the fact is I will just have to suck it up and put myself on a diet. It is what it is. I can take responsibility for that. 

But the thought of another surgery... that is a bit of a nightmare for me right now. Even just going in for the procedure yesterday was tough. For some reason I felt more...violated yesterday than I have since I first started seeing the RE at the beginning of 2013. Now it's not so easy for me to just detach from what's happening during a procedure - I can't force myself to think about the errands I have to run and what to make for dinner. Instead, I am acutely, painfully aware that the last time I saw my uterus my precious baby was growing inside of it and the last time a doctor entered my cervix it was to rip him/her out of it. Most women have no knowledge of any of this. Most women make love to their husbands, discover their periods should have come the week before, take a test, rejoice, go through 9 healthy months of pregnancy and then deliver perfect babies.  Not me. Not us.

I held it together in the doctor's office but cried on the way home. I am just sad and disappointed and I guess frustrated.  I really had to work to get to a place where I felt okay to move forward and start TTC again and now that I'm there I'm told we need to wait again. I hadn't realized how important it was to me to have a plan and a timeline and something to look forward to. It's so frustrating feeling like you're just at the mercy of the shifting winds. I'm sick of telling myself to be patient and have faith.  I'm tired.

I really appreciate all the love on Facebook from my IDOB ladies. I know I haven't been around much but I so appreciate you still caring and offering support when I need it the most. <3

Messy and uncertain but moving forward

My head is a bit of a mess.  To the point where writing a comprehensive blog post isn't really possible lately so this is what you get instead :-)

I took a test today at 14DPO and it was stark white.  I don't have the energy to try to express all the conflicting emotions I feel about that.

However, despite my continued uncertainty as to whether TTC again is what will help move me out of this low place or if finding a way to move out of this on my own before TTCAL is the better plan, I've decided I am sick of feeling unsure and afraid. I am an action-oriented person so I am taking action: Hubs and I are meeting with the RE on Thursday to start the process for FET #1.  In the last week I had all my medical records from the pregnancy and D&E (from my OB, Periontologist and Operating Dr [3 different hospitals])  sent to the RE's office and have secured another 6 months of referrals from my PCP.

Ready or not, here we come.
 

I'm Losing It

During a serious conversation with Hubs last night I heard myself telling him that I wasn't sure anymore if I even wanted to have children.

I don't know what's gotten into me. I don't know if that's even true or not.

I never used to question it. From the moment I was old enough to realize I was a girl and "girls grow up to be mommies" I knew I wanted children. Whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I told then I wanted to be a mom. (Although Broadway Star was a close second.)

For as long as I can remember I've had a vision of what my future would hold and it always centered around kids. Happy, healthy kids who would be outside playing in the yard while I stood at my (always lovely, always granite-topped) kitchen counter fixing them snacks. That vision never included infertility and it certainly never included deformities and abortion and grief. Now it does. Now it also includes uncertainty and fear.

It's hard for me to admit that since our loss I sometimes question myself now. I question whether I am meant to be a mother. Maybe the path I've led is now meant to just be a story, a cautionary tale of sorts for other women who will stumble across this blog and read about all these sad things that happened to some person who calls herself Chickin.  Maybe everything I've been through has happened because I'm spending all my time and energy chasing something that is just not meant to be.  
Maybe I'm losing my mind.

I think I said that to my husband last night because after assuming for so many years that my dream of a future would someday come true, things feel like they are so off-kilter now that it's enabling me to picture other futures for us for the first time. Futures that include selling our big house in the suburbs and moving into a small condo in the city; traveling multiple times a year and buying a boat to dock at our future lake house; moving across the country or even to an entirely new country... It scares me that I can now so easily picture these things when less than a year ago I had not a shred of doubt in my mind that there was ONE future in store for us, and that we would make it happen however we needed to. I was so impatient then and each month that ticked by felt like an eternity and made it that much more critical for the next thing to WORK. Now, time is barely a factor.  I feel no sense of urgency anymore. I feel no sure path anymore. How quickly things change.

Last night as we were wrapping up our convo I found myself beginning to tell Hubs that he shouldn't worry, that he shouldn't think that I no longer want children. I had wanted to set his mind at ease but I had to stop. I couldn't do it. I couldn't say the words because I'm not sure what's true anymore. I don't know how I feel.

But then I'll see a baby and break out in tears because I'm so sad that s/he's not our child and that our arms are still empty and I remind myself to be patient and have faith. So apparently that longing is still there inside me.  I still wish and hope and pray... I just am no longer certain of what it is I'm praying for.

Fill-the-Void Friday, 6/27

Today marks 3 months since we said goodbye. It simultaneously feels like both a lifetime ago and like it was yesterday.  In the weeks after our loss, every hour ticked by so slowly that I didn't think we would ever put time between us and that moment of despair. And now here we are, already a quarter of a year later.  I expect I will always dislike the 27th of each month but:

Or, I'm reaaaally trying to anyway :-)

So here we go with this week's positives:

• This morning after an especially intense Zumba class, I went home and dove straight into the pool for a cool down. It was heavenly! I think I shall do that more often.
• A while ago I had to hide all the automatic Facebook status updates from everyone I know with babies because I couldn't handle the constant barrage of baby baby baby.  As a replacement, this week I "liked" a page that is full of pictures of the same kind of dog I have. Now when I log into FB I am bombarded with pictures of adorable furry puppies instead of things that make me sad.
• I found a new show I like called "The Profit". It's about some rich dude who finds small businesses that are struggling, invests in them and then turns them around to make them profitable!  It's kind of awesome and the show makes you really pull for the business owners. (PS: I would love to own a business someday, I just need to figure out what that might be...)  Anywho, I found that there's a whole season of the show On Demand so I've been watching some of that to keep me distracted when I'm having tough evenings.
• I'm looking forward to a beach day on Sunday! 
• And the big one: On Wednesday morning as I was standing in front of the mirror doing my makeup I found my mind wandering to my RE's office and I realized I was having good thoughts about it. I was actually having pleasant thoughts about going back which proves to me that I am moving towards a place of readiness with TTC and IF treatments again. That's pretty incredible.

 

June

When updating the "My TTC Journey" tab to note that we've officially started TTC again, I couldn't help but notice that the last 3 Junes have all been pretty significant for me:

June 2012: Started TTC
June 2013: Started medicated cycles/IF treatments
June 2014: Started TTCAL
June 2015: ???

How about:  "June 2015: Rainbow Baby is born!" ?!

(Y'know, I was never really big on the term "Rainbow Baby" until I found this:

Please oh please let us be blessed someday with a happy, healthy Rainbow Baby.)

Back on the TTC bandwagon

Well, I think I'm officially in a 2WW. My chart is all messed up because I haven't been consistently temping/POAS but my temp seems to be rising a bit and is in the same range it was the only other time I ovulated. If I did actually O we managed to hit the fertile window once so... there's that. But honestly, I have no hope that this will lead to some miracle BFP so yesterday I decided to call the RE's office to start putting the wheels in motion for our FET.  It looks like I've made up my mind that we are now officially back on the TTC bandwagon. Here are my next steps:

• Contact hospital to have all notes from D&E faxed to RE
• Office visit with RE on July 3rd
• Day 3 baseline B/W
• Hysteroscopy
• BCPs until all insurance paperwork goes through
• Then stop BCPs, get AF, start estrogen
• Day 4 B/W to ensure I'm on the correct dosage
• Day 14 lining check and schedule the transfer

I'm actually glad I called now and did not wait longer since at this point the FET still won't be until August. I think I'll have plenty of time between now and then to wrap my head around everything.

Making the call was a little tough. I found myself laying on the couch yesterday feeling miserable about the sad dark expanse of nothingness that is stretched out before me and wishing there was something I could do about it. Then I realized; there IS something I can do! So I got up, marched over to the phone and made the call before thinking twice.  I ended up talking with my favorite nurse and of course she was so sweet and so sad for us when I told her what happened so I got a little emotional.  It's not going to be fun to have to have those conversations with the nurses and my RE but I guess it has to happen eventually.

I feel...pretty good. I feel some sadness that we're moving on but it's also nice to have a plan again and something to look forward to.

 

Smiley Face

I got one today: A smiley face OPK. The last two days I've had lots o' EWCM but was traveling for work and couldn't do anything about it. This morning I peed on a stick and it smiled back at me.  Hubs and I went ahead and humped it out.  I guess that means I'm officially TTC again.

Granted, I am anovulatory and today is CD32 so who the hell knows if this even means anything, but the one time I did ovulate (ONCE!) last August this is exactly what happened.  Hey, maybe being pregnant really DID "fix" my body!  I can dream, right?

So FX and let's hope my temp rises tomorrow morning! Or not. I can't decide.

And we're back here again.

Hubs told me yesterday that he wants to start trying to have a baby again.

I don't know how I feel.

I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know how to tell if I'm ready. I don't know if I'll ever truly feel ready.

I knew this was coming. I didn't really expect it on a random Monday evening while I was standing in the kitchen arranging a vase of flowers from the garden but I knew it was coming. I think I hoped it would come later though. Like in a month or maybe two or maybe a year. Or maybe never. 

I feel so different about TTC now. I still want to have a baby. I still picture us as a happy little family with kids playing in the backyard, bikes laying on the driveway, and toys strewn about.  I still want that to be our future, I just don't know at what point in time this daydream of mine takes place.  Is it the immediate future? Is it 5 years down the road? 7?  I'm 32, I'm not getting any younger.  If I got pregnant today I wouldn't even have my first child in my arms until I'm 33.  And I want a brood! I've always wanted 3 or 4 of them. If this daydream has any hope of becoming a reality I better get moving. Time is starting to run out.

Hubs asked me what I felt like I was waiting for.  He was sensitive about it, don't get me wrong, but direct. And I couldn't answer him because I don't know.  I think I'm just afraid.  Some bumpie who is TTCAL said you'll know you're ready when the excitement (of trying again) outweighs the fear.  I don't feel excitement, I feel tired.  I feel dread and fear. I know what it's like to be pregnant now. Besides the amazing fact that you're growing a human inside of you, being pregnant SUCKS. It's really hard on your body and your emotions. Am I ready for that again? Am I ready for any of this again? All the dr. appts and the bloodwork and medications and dildo cams and getting up at the ass crack of dawn to drive 1.5 hrs to the office. All the doctors and all the disappointments. I hated that part of my life.  Although I never would have chosen the path we've had to lead, it was sort of nice to have a break from all of that and just live for a bit. Am I ready to put myself in a position that could lead right back to unbelievable heartbreak again??

But there's that pesky time thing...  and the fact that Hubs is ready has been ready. So now I know for a fact that it's just me. That I'm the one keeping us from trying again. That I'm the one keeping our dream hidden away and pushing it off until I determine that I feel "ready", whatever that means. I'm always going to be afraid.  Even if we wait another 6 months I'll still feel afraid. And I'll be afraid every single day of my pregnancy until that baby is in my arms and is healthy.  So no, I don't really know what I feel like I'm waiting for.

So now I'm sitting here with my heart in my throat staring at my RE's business card. The one that I tucked away happily at the beginning of the year, thinking and hoping I wouldn't have to dig out again until well into 2015 when we were ready for a FET for our second child. (And if I'm being honest, the one I hoped I'd never have to dig it out again because in my dreams, my body magically fixes itself after having Petey and I never have to go through the pain of IF again!! Right.)

But I think today I don't feel ready to make that call. I think I'll just tuck it away again for at least one more day. Or one more week. Or one more month...

I wish I could close my eyes and fast forward to my happy future.