Quick update (CD11)

I had me an ultrasound this morning to check on them thar follies.  Nada.  Lots o' little ones as usual but nothing measurable. Again.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't more hopeful this time around since I'm trying a new med and reaaaally want to have a response.  I'm not surprised about these results though.  I'll be going back for another follie scan on Friday AM. If there's still nothing measurable then I'm pretty sure it's over and we'll make the plan for IVF next cycle.  Sigh.

In related news, I had a very fun 3-day weekend out of town with friends and had some drinks. That was apparently a REALLY bad idea.  Take it from me: Letrozole and drinking do not mix. I have never had such a strange and unpleasant feeling. It was kind of a headache I suppose but really, it felt like someone hit the back of my head/nape of my neck with a baseball bat. The strange pain radiated up and through my brain and down around my neck and shoulders. I took a bunch of ibuprofen (a no-no when TTC but it was the only thing around), drank a ton of water and took a 2 hr nap. Luckily I felt better when I woke up but holy crap. I will never do that again. Fortunately for my friends, that meant they had an automatic DD the whole rest of the weekend. Unfortunately for me, I learned that tailgating before a football game while sober really is not the same experience.

New plan: Femara/Letrozole

The nurse called back to tell me that the RE's official recommendation is indeed for us to continue with our IVF plan next cycle. I was very transparent with her about my concerns and thankfully, she was understanding and said that if we really did not feel comfortable then Letrozole is definitely still an option. That made me feel better.

So Hubs and I talked it over and decided that if this cycle is a BFN we are going to try a round of Femara/Letrozole + Trigger + TI. I just really don't feel comfortable going straight into IVF now that I've learned my body is actually capable of ovulating. In a way I feel like I owe it to myself to at least give my body one more chance to act "normally".  If I have no response at all then I think I'll feel okay proceeding with IVF at that point. If I do respond then we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. The nurse confirmed that pushing off the procedure for even 3 months wouldn't make a difference insurance-/authorization-wise so that sort of sealed the deal for us. I feel much better about this plan. Hopefully though, I'll get a BFP and won't even need to worry about this!! (Am I jinxing myself writing that?)

Many thanks to all the wonderful ladies of 3TC who gave opinions on my situation and told me to trust my gut! That really helped.

Next Stop: IVF

I remember blogging about my first visit with the RE and writing that it felt like I had just voluntarily hopped aboard a fast-moving train and it wouldn't stop until I was KU or hit the end of the line. Well, it looks as though ours is the supersonic train since we are now quickly approaching the last stop: IVF.

All aboard the infertility train! Toot Toot!

Hubs and I met with the RE this morning and he flat out told us that IVF would be our best bet to get pregnant. He did not think Femara/Letrozole would be effective and we'd just waste more time and money while putting our future baby at risk of birth defects. (He does not really trust it either because using it for ovulation-induction is an off-label use and is not FDA approved. Hubs is very concerned about this too - much more so than I am.)  The RE does not want to do an inject cycle because "with the state of my ovaries, he can almost guarantee I will overstimulate" which would be more time and money wasted along with adverse health risks.  Therefore,  he suggests IVF as the best course of action for us.

This is a lot for me to take in.  As I wrote in my last post, even though I would tell myself IF could happen to anyone, I never truly thought it would be me/us. I always thought of IVF as some procedure that other people sadly had to go through in order to get KU, and that was totally fine, but that it would never come to that for us. Well, it seems it's come to that.

Above all, I am thanking my lucky stars that we have IF insurance coverage (that's a large part of why I stayed at this job with the awful commute and low salary) so that IVF is actually a feasible option financially. I also feel relieved that neither Hubby nor I feel any kind of moral or ethical opposition to Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) and are on the same page there.

I just have so many emotions: I'm sad, guilty, scared, anxious, worried, excited, hopeful, disappointed... This is just not how I pictured it. This is not the way we envisioned starting our family.  But in the broad scheme of things, if we end up with a baby in our arms at the end of all this, will it really matter to us how we got here?

Time for a new plan.

I don't know what the plan will be yet but I'll find out on Thursday morning at my consult with the RE.  

Today was the nail in the coffin on this cycle - it's CD17 and I went in this AM for another follicle scan. Nada.  No growth, no response.  No more Clomid for me.

My assumption had been that we'd just swap out Clomid for Femara and see what happens (so I figured it would be Femara/Letrozole + trigger + TI) but the nurse told me that my doctor does not like prescribing Letrozole. Uhhh, why?  She was totally elusive about it which was sort of annoying but I gathered it's something about former studies that had been done showing a link between Letrozole & breast cancer.  I asked her what my options are if he doesn't want to prescribe Letrozole/Femara and she said that it's possible he could suggest injects (Gonal-F) but in the past with other women in this position, he's also suggested going straight to IVF.  WHAT?!  I am not mentally prepared for thinking about IVF.  I've been feeling like we are still in the beginning stages of IF treatment and IVF always felt sooooo far away!

Warning, heavy part of post:
I honestly never truly thought I'd be in this position.  I know other women who have gone through this but I never really thought I'd be one of them.  I gave lip-service to comments like "oh, it could be any one of us", etc. etc. but in my heart and unconscious mind I guess I always just thought that even if it took a little more time, in the end it would all work out okay for me.  Today I realized that may not be the case.  Today was the first day it really hit me that it's actually possible I may never be able to conceive a child, grow it within my body, carry it to term, give birth, and hold MY baby - my own flesh and blood-  in my arms. That is an unbelievably shitty realization.

Until now I'd had a hard time giving myself the infertility label.  Today I know it's true. 

When life gives you lemons...sometimes you just have to eat the damn lemons.