I didn't pee myself today!

This may seem like an odd choice for a blog post title but trust me when I say that not peeing myself today is something worth celebrating.

Fergie: Classy as ever.

This morning I went to the RE for an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have any cysts (I don't!) and can start on 100 mg Clomid with my new cycle (I can!).  It was scheduled for 7:30am which is not fabulous since it's about an hour drive to the RE office and I am NOT a morning person but hey, I'm not about to complain.  It was the kind of U/S where you need a full bladder to start with, they do the roll-down-the-pants-thing and poke at your gunt for a bit (I swear they TRY to make you pee your pants) and then they allow you to go to the bathroom as prep for your date with the dildo-cam.  

So today I woke up at 5:45am, peed, and immediately starting chugging water. I really have a hard time eating or drinking anything within an hour or so of waking up (it's worse the earlier I get up) so there was a fair amount of gagging going on.  By the time I left the house at 6:30 I had finished about 20 oz. I brought two more bottles of water with me for the car ride and managed to drink/gag my way through another full bottle by the time I got there.  I still didn't really have to pee yet so of COURSE they were on schedule for the first time ever and actually called me in right at 7:30. I laid down, rolled down the pants, the tech put the goo on me, took one look and declared that my bladder was not full enough and I had to go back out into the waiting room and drink more water. Ugh.

Somehow I managed to drink another full bottle without barfing (grand total was approx. 60 oz. of water in 2 hours) and I paced around the waiting room waiting for it to move to my bladder. When she called me back in about 20 mins later it had definitely reached the bladder - I laid back down and seriously thought I was gonna have a gusher while she poked around taking her sweet ole time.  Then she let me pee (sweet relief!) and we proceeded with the condom-covered wand portion of the morning.

Aside: I always feel slightly weird with the condom-covered dildo-cam since, while guiding it in me, I can't keep myself from thinking about it being a sort of minor form of masturbation. Because, y'know, it's totally normal to be laying naked from the waist down in a dimly lit room next to someone I've never met while they reach between my legs and play around with the phallic object in my vajay. Obviously it's nothing sexual but transplant this scene to my bedroom and replace the random butch female tech with my husband and it's a whole 'nother situation.

Anyway, so she finishes, I get dressed, talk with the nurse about the plan for next cycle, get my prescriptions for Provera and Clomid and go. 

Problem 1: I did not pee again before I left the office. 
Problem 2: It is now 8:30 am and I am stuck in rush hour traffic going south into Boston on a rainy day and I have to pee. UGH.

Luckily, I made it to a highway rest stop which was nice and clean and smelled great (/sarcasm) so that was a relief. Then I got back in the car and continued on my way. Unfortunately, about 30 mins later as I was realizing that I had to pee AGAIN and planning to get off the next exit I came across with signs for a McD's/DD's/gas station/anything, I hit a WALL of traffic that was at a complete stop. I will not lie in that I had a moment of sheer panic. No one was moving, nothing was happening and I couldn't see anything - no flashing lights, no ambulances, nothing.  We sat for about 5 mins (the rain on the windshield didn't help) and just as I was seriously contemplating just leaving my car and running through the rain to go pee in the woods in the middle of the highway median, the car in front of me started to creep forward! I was so excited I almost peed, haha!  We finally crept our way through an accident taking up the two right lanes and I passed a sign saying the next exit had a Dunkin Donuts! Yay!  I took that exit, screeched into the parking lot, raced into DDs and found myself third in line for the bathroom.  Are you kidding me?!

And so, to my everlasting shame and with two women watching me, I went right into the men's room. Gotta do what you gotta do.  Luckily it was a single bathroom with a locking door so I didn't have to deal with anyone at the urinal but after peeing like a racehorse for about 2 mins straight, when I came out there was a man waiting who definitely did a double-take. Whoops.  I could see that woman who was in front of me in the line before was still there too and was staring at me. I avoided all eye contact and ran away. Heh.

I made it the rest of the way home without incident (and of course had to pee again by the time I got there) and learned some valuable lessons for the next time I have a 7:30am U/S.

Wow, that was a long post about having to pee. After this morning I kind of figured I was officially good and hydrated for the next couple days but ironically, I've been drinking water while writing this :-)

Fuller! "He wets the bed!"

And here it is...

...the 1 year post I always knew was coming.

Woohoo! 1 year! Party!

Today it doesn't feel too bad (thankfully). But it's tough knowing that in all this time and with all this effort, there has not actually been any chance at all to get pregnant since I haven't ovulated.  

On the bright side, in the last year I have learned a lot about my body, have completed all my testing, and have moved on to IF treatments. It's no longer a matter of just waiting and wondering WTF is happening (hint: nothing), it's now a matter of knowing that nothing's going to happen on its own and trying out different treatments to see what works.  At least there's a plan now and I'm moving forward (however slowly it may be) instead of just standing still.

Today's CD25 so I called my RE to let them know that my first medicated cycle was a no-go and am waiting for a call back.  The nurse said she expects the RE would probably want to up my dose to 100mg Clomid (after more Provera). I let her know about my suspected cyst so I'm interested to hear what he has to say.  I sense another visit with the dildo-cam in my future!

Sad and Annoyed

As you probably deduced by my blog post title, I am sad and annoyed.

This was my first medicated cycle (50mg Clomid + timed intercourse) and it appears it was a bust. Today is CD21 and I have not O'd.  I am sad.

The reason I am annoyed is because of my stupid RE not monitoring this cycle. And I'm annoyed with myself too since I knew better because of everything I've learned on TB. I should have pushed my RE to monitor even though he finds it to be "completely unnecessary during the first Clomid cycle since it will either work or it won't".  Well, apparently it won't, and since there was no monitoring I don't know if I had zero response or if it almost worked but couldn't quite get there so maybe (due to the cumulative effect of Clomid) another 50mg next cycle will be all I need to O and 100mg would be overkill. I would think this would be important info that the RE would want to have, no? Frustrating. I feel like I wasted a chance for more info and that was stupid of me and stupid of him IMO.

Here's the other annoyance: I'm pretty sure I have a cyst on my right ovary. However, since there was no mid-cycle u/s, I wouldn't know.  I've had ovary pain & cramping since CD10 (day after last pill) and it hasn't stopped. I can actually FEEL my right ovary.  Me thinks that is not good. The pain is pretty dull so I haven't been worried yet but it hasn't gone away or lessened over the last 2 weeks so that bums me out because I'm worried I'm going to be benched next cycle and have to take BCPs until the cyst goes down.

I'm supposed to call the RE's office on CD24 since I haven't O'd (confirmed by neg OPKs and low temps) so I'm interested to hear the plan for next steps. I know I definitely need an u/s to check out righty and that better be the first thing out of his mouth or I might have to think about whether this is the right RE for me.  Thankfully, he did say during our last appt that he does do full monitoring for every clomid cycle after the first so I'll definitely be ensuring that that happens (CD3 b/w & u/s, mid-cycle u/s to check follies, and b/w to check progesterone 7DPO assuming I O sometime in this century).

Whew - I feel better now that I got that off my chest. I've been avoiding TB check-ins over the past couple weeks and even my own BLOG! (ridiculous!) because I knew it would be obvious I was not being properly monitored and I didn't want to hear it from any of you helpful ladies who know better because I'm apparently a child.  I'm mad at myself for not pushing the RE and advocating for myself. I was worried that if I did that I'd be viewed as a high maintenance or pushy patient and didn't want the RE or nurses to be frustrated/annoyed with me. Dumb.

So with this waste of a cycle, it brings me full 'round to close out the first craptastic year of TTC: A year in which I did not O even ONCE and had exactly zero % chance of making a baby despite all our efforts.

Hmm, this is not a very good mindframe to start my day. So instead, I leave you with this:

So close! Haha

CD57: Just waitin' to bleed

I finished the Provera Rx yesterday so now I'm just waiting to bleed so I can start the Clomid on CD5!

This time I took the 10mg pills for 5 days instead of the 5mg pills for 10 days.  I always take it before bed so that I can sleep through the side effects but that didn't really work this time since the hot flashes and subsequent sweating woke me up multiple times a night for the past 4 nights.  It felt like I was laying in a bed of fire.  I'm sure my hubby loved all the exasperated huffing and cover-throwing coming from me the last few nights. Still better than feeling like that while at work though! And I do like that the Rx only took half the time.  

Now I'm just keeping my FX that I get a period since the beginning of this cycle started with 18 days of bleeding. Technically, that ended a full month ago now though so hopefully my lining has built back up in that time.  We'll see!

I've got a plan! (It's name is Clomid)

Hubby and I met with the RE today for a follow up appt since I have now finished all my diagnostic testing. He said everything looks great, we just need to get me ovulating!
He gave me a Rx for more Provera (10mg for 5 days instead of the 5mg for 10 days like I'd been taking every other cycle), I took a HPT to confirm what I already knew (NOT pregnant), and I'll start the Rx tonight. I should expect my period sometime between next Thursday and the following Monday (5/13) and then I'll be starting 50 mg Clomid days 5-9 of the new cycle! I am praying I respond to the 50mg.

When we left the RE's today, my hubby gave me a big hug and was so pumped. I wasn't. I don't really know why though. Those exclamation points I wrote up there in the first paragraph are total lies. I should probably be happy and relieved that the only problem we seem to have (fingers crossed)  is that I don't O....right? Then why do I feel so numb about it? Why do I sort of feel like crying?

Maybe it's that I can't lie to myself anymore. Maybe it's that the whole infertility thing is real now.  I now have a medication sitting on my counter with paperwork that says it's use is "to treat infertility in women".  I guess I'm finally admitting to myself that I am dealing with infertility. For almost a year now I've just told myself that my hormones need to be regulated - that's all! Or, that we were just going through "testing" - Testing is easy!  But now I'm officially in the treatment phase. 
I don't know, it seems sort of stupid typing it all out. I guess it's just something I have to wrap my head around...

Rationally, I know it isn't a big deal - I'm just taking some pills and going to some monitoring appointments. There's no injections, no IUI or IVF, we're just doing timed intercourse.  There are so many women who are so much further along in this journey who would probably equate Clomid + TI to taking a break! It's not the action of actually taking the meds that is getting to me, it's what it signifies;

Brutal honesty? I'm scared. I am really scared that it isn't going to work - not this 1st round of Clomid specifically, but trying to treat my infertility in general. I am scared that I am now about to take the first official step that is going to lead me down a path that could end in NEVER being able to get pregnant.  I've seen it before - with BOTH of my sisters (one is CFNBC, one with SIF).  I am scared to death that it's going to happen to me too.  

However, there is no reason to think that way. I've already passed many of the hurdles my sisters faced that took them out of the running and I'm still going. Like some of the ladies on TB have said; "another woman's fertility has no effect on your own."  That's true. Granted, in this case we share genes, but that still doesn't mean that because they can't get pregnant (/get PG again) that I won't be able to have children.  Only time will tell, I guess.  In the meantime I will focus on the fact that I have had almost all good news so far. 
I have a plan, and I'm moving forward.  Wish me luck!

CD43 Update (aka: Bitchfest)

I feel like I should post an update but honestly, there's not much news.

It's CD43. I have not ovulated. I am not surprised.

I haven't lost any additional weight since my first week on Metformin which was more than a month ago (and it's certainly not for lack of trying).  My next appt with the RE is next Thursday and I know he will scold me for not losing weight so obviously I am really looking forward to it. Since that day will be CD52, I assume the dr. will give me Provera and then we will be starting the first round of Clomid on the next cycle.

Honestly, I'm just kind of in a bad place right now with TTC.  I don't feel optimistic or hopeful, I just feel tired and disappointed.  I feel like the past year (technically, 11 mos) has been a total waste of time. I'm just so sick of it all right now. I rarely check The Bump anymore. I'm not blogging as much. I don't want to talk to anyone about it - I don't even want to SEE anyone in case they ask me about it!  One of my coworkers to whom I mentioned our trouble TTC asks me EVERY SINGLE TIME I see her how it's going. I guess it's nice that she cares but I don't want to be reminded about it all the time while at work!

I'm also consciously staying away from Facebook because I am starting to get seriously upset seeing all the baby pictures. (I realize that is not a good thing.) I counted yesterday and I have 14 friends with babies under 18 mos. old - 9 born while we've been TTC. That's almost 1 every month! If I spend much more than a few minutes on FB with the constant barrage of BABY BABY BABY, the jealousy and sadness just kind of overwhelms me. Some days I can't stand to be on it at all.  

I've also found that I've started getting legitimately angry (not just annoyed but actually angry) when posters on TB complain that "it's CD20 and I'm still waiting to O!" or "It's been 3 mos and I'm not preggers yet!". Cry me a fucking river ladies. I realize anger is not a normal or healthy reaction so I've been keeping my distance until I can get my issues under control.  I've been thinking about intro-ing on the T-TTC board since I'm having a hard time identifying with most of the posters on the TTGP board now (whenever I ask a question no one has any input since most of them are new) and feel I'd probably fit better on 3T now.  I haven't intro'd though for 2 reasons: 1) I haven't been TTC for a full year yet, and 2) my interest with TB ebbs and flows and I'd hate to intro and then disappear for a while and not be an active poster and support-giver.   I'm thinking that once I actually start clomid I may go ahead and join that board though. I could probably use some support from people who can identify with what I'm going through.

After writing all this, it sure seems like the depression is back.  I think I'll just hang out with my buddy here and hope the feelings pass soon.

It appears this is not my lucky cycle

CD28

So remember how I said I was sort of excited for this cycle? Yeah, I'm not anymore. 

After starting this cycle with 18 days of bleeding (and a month of Metformin-induced pooping), I finally restarted the temping and OPKs but that didn't last too long since I threw my back out last week! Yahoo!  Aaaand, I also have a head cold.  I'm pretty much a pile of shit right now. 

I've been trying to continue temping but haven't been as consistent as I'd like  (seeing how I'm having a hard time just moving nevermind holding a BBT in my vag) and I'm not sure how reliable the temps are.  Overall, I have seen a pretty significant temp rise but I don't know if that's due to actually ovulating or if my temps are elevated because I'm in pain.  Regardless, it sucks either way.  If I actually O'd, that would be incredible since it would be the first O in 10 months of TTC but talk about awful timing since  I'm a cripple right now (zero chance of getting pregnant this cycle).  And if my temps are up due to the pain then this is just a massive mind f#&k. I am also on NSAIDs (umm, and Percocet) which will likely screw up my cycle further if I have not yet O'd. 

In other words, this cycle is pretty much just another waste of time.  FF gave me dotted crosshairs last Thursday so I should know in about a week whether or not that is actually true. I hope it is because that would mean A) I actually O'd! and B) I could restart a new cycle and have another chance before I see the RE again at the beginning of May.

Alright, I'm gonna go ahead and put an end to this rambling post now. As I mentioned I'm currently on pain meds and am pretty sure I'm not really making much sense tonight. This post has taken me about 45 mins to write because I keep forgetting what I'm doing. I think I'll go to bed and dream about being able to walk again someday.

CD24: The waiting game

No, not the two-week wait (let's not get crazy here!), just waiting to do something. Anything.

If my body acted like a normal person's, I would be firmly in the 2WW right now and would know sometime next week whether I was KU or whether to expect my period. However, this is my body we're talking about here and it likes to play fun games with me so at this point in my cycle there is no discernible difference between today and say, CD8.  

I finally stopped bleeding this past week though so that's a plus!  Once that fabulous new addition to my cycle ended I picked back up on charting temps (up & down per usual but still low overall) and using OPKs (all depressingly faint thus far).  I did have some crampy pain around my right ovary the past couple days which I would have previously classified as ovulation pain but since I don't O, that is highly unlikely. I now wonder if that feeling is actually cyst pain which would mean I currently have a larger one in my right ovary. That makes sense to me and would explain why I get that sort of pain quite often (and then don't O). Thank you PCOS!

Overall though, I gotta say I am feeling much better emotion-wise so far this cycle than during the last few.  I'm hoping it's because of the Metformin, acupuncture & weight loss (all 4 lbs of it, woo!), and not just because it's still early yet.  The change in season could also be having a positive effect (Hubby & I are shopping for new patio furniture this weekend!). The real test will be if I gear up to O and then don't. Last cycle I noticed that the depressive feelings were the worst a few days after that happened each time and got progressively worse with every subsequent surge.  I guess I'll just have to see how this cycle goes.

I think I'm also in a good mood because Hubby and I had a great little mini-getaway this past weekend at Foxwoods Casino/Resort in CT! We stayed at the MGM Grand, saw a show, did some gambling (I learned Craps and won some $ at Blackjack!), and had a fancy dinner at Craftsteak (Chef Tom Colicchio's restaurant for any of you die-hard Top Chef fans like myself!)

Exhibit A: Acting like a dink

ASIDE: I sort of have a little crush on Tom Colicchio. I realize he's not really all that good looking and is sometimes a total jerk to the contestants but I think that's just part of his charm, haha (I was also totally convinced that when Padma had a baby and wouldn't reveal who the father was it was because it was Tom! But nope. What a let down :-)  I think I have a crush on him in the same way you would a co-worker who you probably wouldn't really notice in day-to-day life but since you're around him so much and you get to know his personality, he starts becoming cute to you. Know what I mean?...No?  Well whatever. Maybe this is indicative of the fact that my obsession with Top Chef has gone a bit too far.

Aaaanyway, back to real life.  So yes, we had a good time. We never really go anywhere unless it's on a planned real vacation to the Carribean or something so it was nice to change it up a little.  It was also nice to make some lovin' because we wanted to, not because we felt like we had to.  I vote for more getaways and more spontaneous sexy time!

"May the odds be ever in your favor"

LOVE Katniss, LOVE the Hunger Games, LOVE Jennifer Lawrence.

Well, my diagnostic testing is officially done and I am convinced that the odds are totally in my favor regarding TTC.  However, it's really easy to lose sight of that as the days tick by with no measurable progress and no baby. I've decided to write down all that is working in my favor and the few obstacles I have in the TTC process, so that I can refer to this post whenever I'm feeling defeated and need some perspective.

Things in my favor:

• Good SA results: healthy swimmers!
• Good HSG results: clear tubes!
• Good baseline U/S results: normal-shaped uterus, good blood flow to proper areas, ovaries were a normal size, no strange masses/scarring/etc.
• Good B/W results:  high androgen levels but that is to be expected due to the PCOS
• On Metformin and I have faith that it will help
• Sloooowly losing some weight
• Acupuncture 1x/week (can't hurt, right?)

Things working against me:

• No ovulation (also causes long, irregular cycles)
• PCOS (more difficult to get KU and higher chance of miscarriage)
• Hubby's chronic pain

That's it! The odds here are clearly in my favor. 

Hubby's pain is and will always be a challenge since there's not much more to be done about it than we're already doing, but that just means we need to be as intentional as possible about our timing. [One of these days I will blog about the physical and psychological difficulties (for both of us) that come with his chronic pain but for today, I am feeling positive and don't want to get all deep and bring myself down.]

My other challenges can (and are) being worked on; Metformin and weight loss should help and if they don't do enough on their own, Clomid (or Femara) should make me O. I have no doubt that we should be able to get KU with just a little help. And if we can't, there are other options down the road that I know could be successful (they'd just take some additional work, time, money and PATIENCE). But, like the title of one of my favorite blogs to stalk states; "The harder to get, the better to have"! 

Wednesday, Bloody Wednesday

Well, it's cycle day 16 and I'm STILL bleeding. This is a first.  I think I choose the extremely long cycles over the extremely long period. Unfortunately, I'll probably have both this cycle. Yuck.  And my ultrasound is tomorrow morning so that should be fun.  Luckily, the nurse said that u/s are often done around CD3 so they're likely used to the bleeding. Can't say I'm really looking forward to it though.

Also, I ended up starting the double dose of Metformin on Monday since I had a couple of okay days in there so I'm now at 1500mg/day.  The first day was alright but this morning was ugly. I HAD to go into the office today though so I pumped myself full of Immodium and powered through. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Lastly, today my pregnant next door neighbor's water broke so they're at the hospital tonight. She's almost 3 weeks early so we're all hoping everything goes well and that they'll be bringing home their healthy baby girl soon.  I'm so excited and happy for them and wishing them all the best but I also can't help but feel a little jealous and sad for myself.  It makes me want to be pregnant SO BADLY. I would love for our kids to be close in age so we could hang out together while the kids play in the yard...sigh. I could go on and on about my feelings on this but I really don't feel like dwelling on it tonight and making myself feel bad.  Instead I'm gonna keep watching the Bruins kick the Habs' ass!

In other news...

In the midst of unnecessarily feeling bad for myself, I forgot to write down my other news:

1) The nurse gave me my repeat bloodwork results and my potassium levels are fine. I celebrated by immediately gobbling down a banana.

2) They want me to double the Metformin dose to 1500mg/day starting on Monday so I am thinking I should buy some stock in Charmin UltraSoft. 

Here's how I plan to decorate my bathroom next week:

Lastly,
3) The nurse scheduled me for a pelvic exam & ultrasound for next Thurs AM so it's back the hospital I go! Fingers crossed:  this should be the last testing that needs to be done before my next RE appt (rescheduled for May 2nd)!

Another irregular cycle

I'm feeling sorry for myself this afternoon...

I was really hoping that I would have a normal cycle this time. Just one!  One in 10+ months isn't too much to ask for, right?  (Granted, today is only CD11 so it ought to be laughable that I'm feeling like this already but) I just talked to my RE's nurse and she said that it sounds like my post-HSG bleeding is just a continuation of my period.  Y'know, the one I started 11 days ago?  I did have 1 day in there where it was just a teensy amount of spotting, so I assumed that after 5 days of bleeding and 2 days of spotting that it was over. Then I had the HSG and apparently that just re-opened the flood gates (I'll refrain from posting another gross blood-related gif) since this last period (or apparently, 1/2 of a period) was lighter than usual and my last cycle was 85 days long.  I got me a fair amount of lining to get rid of.

I am bummed. I've been really excited about this cycle since I'm on Metformin now, I'm losing weight and also going to Acupuncture, so I was hoping those would help regulate me, AND I just had the HSG (which, for some reason in my mind apparently means I'm ripe for the pickin') but I think I was just getting my hopes up for no reason.  I let myself think for a couple weeks that maybe I would actually ovulate and not only that, ovulate at a NORMAL time, so I kept thinking Hubs and I could bang it out this weekend, I'd O like a normal person and we'd finally have a shot!  Now, it looks like I'll still have my period this weekend so THAT won't be happening.

Sigh.

Overall it is a GOOD thing if this is still just my period because that means there's not something else wrong which would be MUCH much worse. So for that I am grateful. And eventually it will end and who knows? Maybe I will O this cycle.  It just won't be on CD14.  One of The Bump's TTGP ladies just got KU after Oing on CD82!  That gives me a little glimmer of hope for my ridiculous never-ending cycles...

Post-HSG Bleeding

I realize it's normal to have some spotting after the procedure but what I'm having is beyond spotting. 
I had the HSG on Tues AM and had zero spotting until last night (Wed PM) when I starting getting bright red blood and some clotting every time I wiped.  It's gotten heavier and now I need a pad.  Currently I'd classify it as light to moderate flow like a period, only a brighter red.  I googled the shit out of it this morning and it seems that since it's not heavy (yet) and I have no pain, fever, or additional discharge, I'm currently okay. I'm going to monitor it closely though and if it gets heavier or lasts like this beyond tomorrow I'm going to call the dr.  I really hope nothing's wrong!

HSG is done aaaaaand...

...my tubes are clear!  Yippee! Glad that's over. 

It was mostly fine but I think I had worked myself up a little bit since my sister said hers was EXTREMELY painful (I wonder if she was allergic to the dye?) and I read multiple stories on The Bump from women who did not have great experiences. I was also already having a weird morning because we got another foot of snow today (of course) so I had to shovel before leaving, the 45 min drive turned into 1 hr 15 mins due to the weather, and then there were ZERO spots in the parking garage so I was almost late. I also had to go to a different part of the hospital where I had never been so I didn't really know where I was going. Additionally, Hubby was planning to come with me today but he ended up getting sick so he stayed home and I took his car since it has 4-wheel drive.  However, it's a gigantic monstrosity that I had never driven before so it was really fun figuring out how to maneuver the thing whilst in the middle of a snowstorm. 
Needless to say, I was stressed before I even put on the assless gown.

The first bad part was when he put in the speculum (aka: duck bill) because it seems he pinched something up in there so I was already having pain before he even did anything. Apparently I wasn't doing as good a job of not grimacing as I thought I was because the Tech mentioned something to the Dr. who adjusted it which gave me a brief moment of relief.  However, the doc must have then immediately inflated the balloon (with no warning) because I had instant intense cramping in a way that was different than I had ever felt and I immediately got completely flushed/really hot and nauseous. I think I concerned them. The Tech brought a cold facecloth to put on my forehead which helped and I just focused on breathing and answering her when she asked if I was okay. It was weird - like my body went from zero to sixty in an instant and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I'm pretty sure the best part of it though was when I told the Dr. that I was afraid I was going to poop on him since I have constant diarrhea from the Metformin. I bet that was fun for him. 

Luckily it was over quickly and I had no additional pain or cramping the rest of the day.  I also got a chance to see my tubes on the monitor (they look very long and squiggly!) and could see that the dye spilled out of them so I know they are open.  I was hoping to also see pics of my uterus so I could see the shape but I didn't really get a chance and didn't want to ask for something else from the Doc when I was already the patient who threatened to poop in his face. My sister's HSG showed that her uterus was abnormally shaped, which was relayed to her by her RE so I assume that at this point if I hear from my RE then that's a bad sign. Otherwise, I think I'm good!

YAY!

Next Steps: HSG & b/w

I forgot to post an update last Friday regarding my bloodwork results:  I am NOT a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis or Spinal Muscular Atrophy (look who figured out what SMA stands for!) and I had previously learned that my Rubella immunity and RH factor are positive so that's good. 

Besides that, the nurse said my Potassium levels were high so they want me to lay off the bananas and spinach for the next week and then come in for repeat b/w this Thursday. That's a bummer because A) I hate getting blood drawn (although I am getting quite used to it lately) and B) I eat both spinach and a banana almost every day. Now that I'm on Metformin and having almost constant upset stomach/diarrhea, I would really like to eat a banana since it's one of the better foods to help calm the tummy (I am quite familiar with the BRAT diet - Bananas, Rice, Applesauce & Toast for those of you who aren't lucky enough to have a touch of IBS all their lives like I seem to) but, too bad.

Additionally, my HSG is scheduled for Tuesday morning (CD8)  so I'll have to start antibiotics tomorrow (which will apparently also make me poop, hurrah!)  since it's invasive. I'm not exactly looking forward to the procedure since it sounds like it could be very painful (at a minimum, quite uncomfortable) but I'm glad it's scheduled.  It will be one more thing off the checklist and hopefully my tubes will be clear and we'll be good to go!  Hubby is coming with me because my sister said that hers hurt SO badly that she'd actually take the day off to be with me if Hubs couldn't make it just in case I have the same experience she did. FX that it won't be bad!

I've heard quite a few times from many different people that the cycle you have the HSG done seems to be extra fertile (b/c the dye clears everything out?) so I really hope the Metformin (and acupuncture? still skeptical)  will help me ovulate this month so that we'll have a chance this time without needing Clomid. My follow up appt with the RE is on April 25 so I assume at that point if I have not gotten my period and am not KU he will want to give me Provera to jumpstart the next cycle and then we'll start Clomid.

FX for clear tubes and ovulation this cycle! 

ONWARD AND UPWARD!
 

 

First RE Appt Today

I had my first RE appt today!  It went well and was...enlightening. It also totally gave me the sense that with this appt, I just voluntarily hopped aboard a fast-moving train and there will really be no slowing down until I'm pregnant or if we happen to hit some sort of unavoidable roadblock. I guess I'm just gonna hang on and hope for the best.

Warning: This is probably going to be a SUPER long post because A) I want to write things down before I forget in case I want to review it and B) I want to provide details in the off-chance that someone reading this who is in a similar situation might actually get something from it!

So here's what happened today:
Hubby & I had a good discussion with the RE and I got to ask all my questions (more about that in a minute). They drew blood to make sure I'm not a carrier for cystic fibrosis and SMA (? I can't remember what that is).  They also tested something with my liver to make sure my body can handle Metformin. As long as the b/w results are good I will be starting Metformin (extended release) tomorrow night. The plan is to start with one 750mg pill every night before bed and once my body is used to that dose (he said it would likely take a few weeks) I'll add a 2nd pill each night so it'll be 1500mg/day every day, through (at the VERY least) 10 weeks into my pregnancy since he said it cuts down the chances of early miscarriage. I also will be having my HSG next week on either Tues or Wed so that we can make sure my tubes are clear and my uterus is shaped correctly. (It ended up being a very good thing that I timed the most recent dose of Provera to make sure I was only a couple days into my cycle at this point so that we can get the HSG done now instead of wasting another 2+ months until I can be at the beginning of my cycle again.)  I'll also have a pelvic exam and ultrasound to determine just how cystfull (totally a word) my ovaries are.  I think that's all that's scheduled for now. Once it's all done I will be going in to meet with him again in another 4-6 weeks and I will be starting Clomid shortly after that (more about that below).

The other big thing is that I will now be very focused on trying to lose weight since he said that my chances of becoming pregnant would increase dramatically with weight loss and that I should focus on getting my BMI into a healthy range.  I asked if the Metformin could help with that and he said if it does it would really just be because of appetite suppression and since the Met will almost undoubtedly give me diarrhea, I likely won't feel like eating as much or the same kinds of foods I have been. So that will be tough but I am motivated.

So here's some not great news: (And let me first preface this by saying that I really do trust that he knows his shit, understands the cutting edge research, and has proven success regarding his patients' pregnancy rates. He has stellar credentials and works at one of the top hospitals in the COUNTRY. His bedside manner is somewhat lacking but I don't mind if it means I am receiving great care. In spite of all that, I WAS surprised at some things he said and asked him many questions, and do not plan to just blindly follow exactly what he says without first doing some more research on my own.) Okay, so:

1. Apparently with PCOS, not only is it harder to get pregnant but my chances of miscarriage are greater as well. Direct quote: "The problem won't be GETTING you pregnant, it will be KEEPING you pregnant." Silly me, and I thought this was the hard part. Now I have something else to worry about.

2. He doesn't think depression and PCOS are really linked and that I should ask my PCP about it if I'm having a problem. He doesn't know if it's connected to my hormones and said if it IS, it would be due to increased progesterone but based on my charts, that doesn't really make sense when I look at my most depressive days (it looks to me like increased estrogen and/or LH and/or FSH cause it). So I don't know what's up there.  Hopefully eating better/exercising/losing weight will help. If is doesn't, I guess I'll go back to my incompetent PCP.

3. He puts zero stock in charting BBT, etc. and seems to think it is outdated.  I brought copies of my charts for him and he was completely uninterested. Charting over the past 10 mos was helpful in that I was able to confirm that I do NOT ovulate but other than that, now that I've 'graduated' to fertility medications, it seems like he thinks there is no need. (I plan to still chart while on meds even though my temps may be elevated, in order to see if I can still capture a temp shift to confirm O.)

4. He told me that he does not prescribe Metformin without also prescribing Clomid (except he did make the distinction that I need to take the Met alone for 6 weeks to get it fully into my system before starting the Clomid), because he says there is not much point and we'd just be wasting more time. He says it's proven time and again that the two work very well in conjunction with one another so that is the path he follows. I take it to mean that he takes a more aggressive approach to infertility than some other drs might. I guess that is not a problem for me.

5. The thing that MAY be a problem for me is that he does not think monitoring on the first dose of Clomid (i.e. CD3 & CD10 b/w and u/s) is necessary. (Note that he DOES monitor each dose after the first) The reason why he said he never does it is because the risks are SO rare that it's not necessary and in his thousands of patients, not ONE has ever had a problem. When I mentioned the risk of large and/or ruptured cysts he said that if I have a problem I will have pain so we will know something is not right and that the monitoring would not head that off. When I mentioned the risk of overstimulated follicles (i.e. too many follies and increased risk of multiples) he said having a lot of follies is what we WANT because I would have a higher chance of getting pregnant and that the risk of actually getting pregnant with multiples (esp. 3+) is very low anyway.  And when I mentioned uterine lining thinning he said that is really only a concern if you take about 12 rounds of Clomid which he would NEVER let happen, and that the generally accepted "limit" of 6 cycles among medical professionals is not truly a limit but just the consensus they came to based on the hard "limit" of 12.

So this was very surprising to me since I've been on The Bump for almost a year now and have seen it repeated time and time again that you "MUST BE MONITORED EACH AND EVERY TIME!!!".  After a year, that kind of got drilled into my head.  So I'm not sure what to think now.  Is this dr just extremely headstrong, has seen what works, has never had a patient with serious issues and so he is convinced that this is the best/right way to do it? He IS the professional... is he right and the women on TB are just overly afraid? I don't know. He DID say that if I really want to have the monitoring done (even though he made a point to restate that he finds it completely unnecessary) then we can do that. So that's good I guess.  I haven't made up my mind about it. He told me about some studies regarding this that I can take a look at and I will be doing some more researching on my own as well.  Thankfully, it's just the first dose that he finds no need to monitor so if it is taking a chance, it is only ONE chance, not every month. We'll see.

Okay, I think those are the main points.  HSG early next week, and I should be starting the Metformin tomorrow night! Let the diarrhea commence!

CD 85: bad, CD 1: good

Hmm. In the past, I've gotten my period (heavy) on the 3rd morning after the last Provera pill. However, today is the 4th day after the Rx and I only had a tiny bit of spotting early this afternoon then nothin'. Humph.  I would MUCH rather be on CD 1 than CD85 right now. I am still holding out hope that the floodgates will open tonight before I go to bed but time is getting short here. I don't like this...

Creepiest movie ever!  (Also, wicked gross, I know. Sorry.)

 

 UPDATE: Tues ended up officially being CD1 even though very light.  Yipee!

Mini-meltdown

I had a bit of a meltdown last night when Hubs and I crawled into bed. (I knew the positivity couldn't last!) It wasn't a TOTAL breakdown or anything, but I definitely started crying for no reason and blubbering to him about how "my hormones are all out of control and I go from being so happy one minute to miserable the next for NO reason and I'm fat but I can't make myself exercise or eat right and you keep bringing bad food into the house so I keep eating it and I'm so tired of TTC with nothing happening and I need new hobbies to get my mind off of TTC and I hate that we just watch TV every night and blah blah blah."  Ugh, poor Hubby.
He was AWESOME about it all though and let me just talk everything out and cry and he just hugged me, told me he loved me, and reassured me that it's not my fault and we just need to regulate my hormones and things will get better. I love him.

That obviously helped me feel better but I still don't feel "normal" today (I haven't felt normal for the better part of 10 months now) but I'm fighting the bad feelings minute by minute, hour by hour, like I always do now.  

Irony: I've always hated Eeyore

Depression is a funny thing - the analogy of the omnipresent black cloud following you really does seem accurate (only mine's more of a light to mid grey-colored cloud). My cloud is often at a safe distance but it's always there lurking in the background, weighing on me and following me around threatening to come closer. When it comes too close, it doesn't matter that I have a wonderful life and am blessed in numerous ways - it starts to envelop me and I end up walking around in a dull haze, either unfeeling or feeling TOO much and those are the worst days. It's a very hard thing to accurately describe or really even talk about. It's changed me.

While talking things out last night, I came up with the following actions that I think will help me (I like lists):

1. Join a gym again.  I need to exercise to get healthy and get the endorphins going which should hopefully give me a mood lift.  I used to love exercise and lately I avoid it like the plague.
2. Eat better. I need to lose weight. Supposedly, even a 10 lb weight loss could make me O naturally. One focus will be on cutting out most sugar & white flour.
3. Try to focus less on TTC.  Overall I've been keeping my distance from The Bump and will continue to do so because I find that it doesn't help me - it just makes me focus on it more.
4. Blog when I need to.  Writing really does help me feel better even if it makes for super depressing posts like this one (sorry about that).
5. Get a new hobby where I see & interact with people. This one's tough for me because I am not interested in much. Maybe I should look into volunteer opportunities in the area.  I work from home the majority of the time so I am alone a lot, and hubby and I don't really DO all that much (mostly due to his back pain) so I need to see more people and get out more.
6. And finally:

I mostly attribute the depressive feelings to my PCOS and I think that regulating my hormones (maybe with Metformin?) will probably make the biggest difference so I'm really looking forward to my RE appt this Thursday. However, I think I'm also highly affected by the seasons  ( how appropriate that the acronym for Seasonal Affective Disorder is "SAD") so it's like a perfect storm for me right now.  I do know that things will get better so I'm just taking it day by day/hour by hour.  This morning, I have been focusing on the fact that it is sunny out, I have my first acupuncture appt in an hour (it was rescheduled from yesterday due to the unexpected FOOT of snow - way-to-go, Meteorologists), and I have a plan!

Provera-induced genius!

I keep a notebook and pen on my nightstand because if I'm awake in the middle of the night and get an idea in my head, I have no hope of going back to sleep until I write it all down. Unfortunately, after writing it down I oftentimes will still spend hours thinking about it while laying in bed trying to ignore the chainsaw next to me (aka: my sleeping husband), since I seem to find myself so clever that I get all excited about my idea and can't go back to sleep anyway. Sigh.

Lately, Provera is not helping matters. I'm currently halfway through the Rx and it definitely affects my sleep (not to mention giving me some sweet hot flashes). My newest talent is waking up right at 2:30am and not getting back to sleep until it's almost light out, writing down oh-so-important notes to myself here and there until I finally stop thinking about it and conk out.  Most mornings I'll turn over and find that I wrote things like "email Sarah about laieruoid!" or "DON'T FORGET: Aeriowrp the foer!!!" But this morning, I rolled over and found a relatively comprehensive 5-page outline for a novel!  Ooookay. I totally forgot that last night I decided that my new profession is going to be "writer".  Silly me.  

After taking way longer than it should have to decipher all the chicken-scratch, I gotta say... it's actually kind of good! I really have no idea where this sudden inspiration came from, but DAMN I am creative in the middle of the night! Is it crazy that I'm thinking about actually writing it?  I've never written anything besides school papers and these blog posts but why the heck not, right? Maybe this can be my new like, decade-long project that I will probably just eventually give up on (since I am a master at starting projects and not finishing them), or maybe lil ol' me could actually write a book someday!  Weird.  

If this is what comes from 5 days of Provera, imagine what LSD could do for me! Hmmm...

"All the flowers would have extraordinary powers..."

TTC when you have all single friends

Apparently I'm the kind of person (that everyone likely hates) who forms a new group of friends at every major new stage of life and loses touch with all the old ones. I wonder if it's a result of changing high schools when I was younger - your teenage years are so formative and when you are forced to make a new group of friends during that insecure and tumultuous time, maybe that establishes itself as a "norm" for you moving forward? Or, (as crappy as it sounds to say this) maybe I just haven't really made any "quality" friends that are worth keeping in touch with? Or maybe I just am a sucky friend. Who knows. 
 
What I DO know is that I have lost touch with almost all my college and HS friends (except for Facebook of course because where would the world be without silently stalking the lives of people you used to know and comparing yourself to them?) and although I'm not losing sleep over it, I now happen to find myself surrounded by a close group of girlfriends who are all older than me (some much older), unmarried, and childless, most with no plans to ever have children. 

I do have one close girlfriend who is about my age but she and her fiance recently moved away for work. They were our fun "couples friends" so I am very bummed that now we will only see them a handful of times a year.  She is the only one of my friends who is in a similar situation as me and now she's far away. Sad face. 

Don't get me wrong - I love my girlfriends, but we are just in such a different place in our lives that even though it used to not be an issue, it's starting to make a difference to me now that my priorities are changing. I'm not sure if they can feel it too or if it's all in my head, but things are just different. I don't feel like I can really talk to them about any TTC stuff which is hard because it has become a very important part of my life and I used to be able to tell them anything!  I already wrote about one instance of unintentional insensitivity (clicky - sorry, I realize it's pretty douchey and totally narcissistic to link to another post on my own blog), but there have been others things that have happened too.  I know they don't do it on purpose but they just can't relate to what I'm going through and I find it's creating a divide for me.

For example, a little while ago we all met for dinner after work. One of them was telling a story about her coworkers and said something to the effect of: "well, they're all married with kids anyway so they're probably just jealous of me since I have a life and they have all lost their identities and are completely boring since the only thing they have to talk about now are their kids."  Uhhh, what?
One of my other friends looked at me sort of apologetically then but most of them just sort of nodded in agreement and continued with the discussion, completely oblivious. Another friend did notice the look and said to me (trying to be helpful I guess): "That's why we're happy you don't have kids yet! You're still fun!"  Uhhh, thanks? WTF kind of back-handed "compliment" is that?  First, am I supposed to be happy you think I'm fun even though that also means that you are all apparently going to think I'm boring once I have kids and won't be interested in hearing about them?  And second, thank you oh-so-much for saying you are HAPPY I don't have a child yet even though you know we have been TTC for a while. That makes me feel great. 

They obviously weren't trying to make me feel bad and I'm trying to focus on not being oversensitive (maybe it was a joke?) but that kind of sucked.  I went to the bathroom then and have to assume they talked about me while I was gone since there was a lull in conversation when I got back to the table and the more sensitive friend who had looked at me apologetically asked me how everything was going and if there were any updates from the doctor, etc.  At that point I totally did NOT feel like I had a supportive environment in which to share my feelings so I just shrugged and said that I didn't really feel like talking about that tonight.

Since then, I haven't had all that much communication with them. I haven't reached out and they haven't reached out to me.  Sigh. C'est la vie.  NOW, I'm sort of wishing I had stayed in touch with some old friends too, since we're the same age and many of them are married, have babies or are pregnant. (However, I could also picture that if the opposite were true and all my friends were KU and had babies and I was the one having trouble TTC that that might suck even more! Hmmm...) I just hope that when I do get pregnant (and especially when I have a baby) that I'll be able to meet some new people who are in a similar situation as me.  It's not like I want to just throw away my current group of friends - I love them, but it would just be nice to feel like I can relate more closely to someone else again instead of feeling more and more like an outsider.